Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Biggest Freak Out Ever!

no rhyming like i wanted to right now, they bare, straight, raw thought...call it whatever....i'm tooo...urgh

i'm crying cause i want to....i'm shaking cause i can't control...i'm screaming and my mom is freakin...but i don't care...i been holding it whatever this fucking shit is for the longest while again... i don't care. i closed my msn, closed facebook, but my twitter is still open, not like it matters.

ever had something come over you and you just can't describe? it just came right over your every thoughts, every emotion, every sound, every blink...YOUR EVERYTHING? i felt this one time....when my ex boyfriend gave me the hardest slap in the face....it was something shocking cause i never expected it...and only told like 3 people about it...but not the crazy friends that would jump him in an alley, no not those friends....and it's not like any of those friends read my post anyways....they think i'm too soft and spit my feeling too much....well fuck y'all...sue me for being in touch with myself..aha!

it sucks. this so sucks....this whole "what is love" SHIT. what the fuck is love? tell me....is it something that changes lives? is it worth killing bitches for. do you cry over it...what's so "worth your wild" about love...?
i'm questioning this because i second guess everyone who's ever told me they loved me...is love suppose to hurt? is it suppose to cause pain? i thought i was in love once...till he slapped me...to this day it still haunts me...they look in his eye...the peachy-red colour on his face...the strength in his hand when it came down. the grip he had on me, the way me made me cry, they way me made me feel, the anger and PAIN! the rage that flared inside me when i came right back up and busted his lip....i made a promise on this blog stop of mine somewhere

"if a man EVER put his hands on me again, i would kill him....point blank"

it went something like that.

almost everyone that has said those fucked up words to me as either abused my body, my heart, my mind and my once free-spirit...it's dead now...

"If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?

i'm just a kid they say, so i don't know much...why the hell do these so called "grown ups" talk that ish? i don't get it...they think they know what's going on inside our heads when they do BUP-KISS! (whoever you spell it, i just DON'T CARE RIGHT NOW)

i didn't have a break down, but i was sooo close. i'm like soo done with everything...i try to seek this so called "love" then i stopped..then i waited a couple years for it to come to me...nothing...then i started doing both, waiting and looking...STILL AIN'T GOT SHIT.
i wanna say fuck love and everything is represents cause it had and still has no interests in me...i got so much to give and people just can't see that, i don't know how much more i gotta put out in order to be seen. i share my feelings more, i'm more easy to come at, i'm always willing and down for whatever...i can live with a lot of things that people have and go through also what they have to deal with, i'm far from shallow, i'm the most passionate person i know, i don't know what heartless means...i think till now.. i've had my heart ripped out from inside me, placed in a pressure cooker and had it sit there till there was nothing left. i've been repeatedly been kicked when i was down, and still get that. i've been treated like grime. worse then that. i don't feel love through family, or most my friends. i've hated life since i was 13. before that....life wasn't great, it was bearable at times...i disliked it...NOW I HATE IT WITH A PASSION! all i ever asked santa for was for him to bring me my own love in a box...no matter what the size...that fat fucker never even came. (note i was like 9 at the time when i begged) never believed in the fat bitch since. fuck him. straight.

there's a lot of things i lost hope in all cause of this fucking WORD! i hate this word.

but sadly i need this word.


  1. omgosh! Aubrey, babe y didnt you tell me?! I told you im here for you girl!

    This blog was..........great, even though it's about hurt you explained your feelings so well.


    * what you hold in will come out sooner or later - WHEN YOU NEED TO TALK IM HERE, YOU KNOW THAT!

    love you girl,


  2. agreed.......I'm here to if you need someone to talk to...

  3. your welcome :)


    remeber were miles apart, but im always here