Sunday, May 30, 2010

In A Day Dream

fades in, tears, fades out.

guess that's it. or is it?

Friday, May 21, 2010

Can We Establish Something?


- Aubrey



kso, in my mind this is how it is.

i write on my white board anything and everything related to you in any way possible. i write it all down in this white board till it isn't white anymore. some of the words i can't make out anymore cause there's sooo much of then. aha! then i stare at it wondering "damn" then i pick up the eraser and begin to clear the board...basically clearing my mind of all things you. two seconds later my mind does a rewind like it's a video tape i stare at the words again, then erase, over and over until i start to cry, then i wake up. this is my dream for the past few days.

i told my sister about it. (blood sister) and she said this. "from what you told me it seems you want to clear it all but something is preventing that. you write it all down cause it's all you can do. you don't wanna vent it cause you feel there's no point, what's it going to solve you know? what's done is done, the damage is all there. i can just hear it in your voice that you're tired. not physically but overall. at the same time you want to ease the pain, which is why you fool around with others. yes i know all about that, trust me. but it just makes the pain come back ten times worse. kid, i know what it's like to feel you put your soul into something you actually believed was going work in your favor and you get fucked over and the person who did it is making it seem like it's your fault and you did wrong when it isn't even like that. by the way it's no one's fault. love lost as i like to see it. don't let one person effect your whole heart on love. love is real. if it wasn't God would have killed everyone already. you think if God didn't love us that we wouldn't exists? but you know how i feel about that so scratch that. jay, i just feel if something doesn't trust, believe or can even handle you, they aren't right for you. i know how you feel, i know what he made you feel. how do i know? you never acted like this about anyone since green eyes. but this was something more. and now you're like dead. and it's pissing me off. holy jay. i wish i could fly out there and give you the biggest hug and tell you how much i care and show you that this too shall pass, but i could only send it to you in a  message. also i'm not saying to cut everything off, but at the same time now that your feelings are out there, it's going to be hard to try and rekindle what little you guys had. 'yes it was little' because of hurt feelings and anger. i never heard you this upset and shit. holy you must have really felt for this one, especially if you weren't thinking of anyone else. i just wished he actually see what me and Jamal see. but hey, that's life right? it is what it is? if i got anything else to say, i will message. stop crying, dry those eyes so the sand man can come and cover your pain, please kid. your one and only"

no one in this world knows her like me or even come close. some like to think so but she can tell me exactly what underwear i put on, what foot i used first to put it on and i wouldn't even have to tell her i was putting on some.

hands down one of the hardest things i had to go through. don't get me wrong, my life isn't hard, just stuff i have to deal with kinda just start to build up and then i crash.

it's strange to me cause i only saw one thing, i never got distracted my it no matter how hard i tried to fight temptation i never gave in, now i do whatever. i care about me but it gets hard to keep up with caring when no one else does. kinda hard to trust people when they lie to you. find it tiring bawling over my feelings being hurt once again. like fuck bro. i'm soo fucking mad. i can't even express my anger. i can't even go on the one thing that i liked reading of yours. that's how cheesed i am. it itches me real bad. i also find it weird how fast this all happened, including you getting

whatever though. i always say it's easy to forgive, but to forget?

that's some next level shit that i will NEVER do. thanks for scaring me. trust you're not the only scar i run my finger across for little reminders on dudes like you though.

i don't know what more to say.


Tuesday, May 18, 2010

I Don't Know

i'm just gonna lay back, roll this stack 
cause i have no idea what i'm doing.
i'm going to light this blunt, scream to myself i need to stop this front
cause i have no idea what i'm doing
i'm gonna tell my moms to pass me a bottle, take it to my face till my eyes start to wobble
cause i have no idea what i'm doing
i'm gonna forget all my troubles, then add a few more to make it double
cause i have no idea what i'm doing

gonna grab my keys, mama is beggin please
tell her not to worry, i'll be home before 7:30
slide down the stairs, cause i'm lighter than air
push that key into the car door, sit in the driver seat and play "no more"
cause on some real shit
i don't know what i'm about to do
eyes fucked period
tears flow near the end
i drive off into the darkness
flashing light, bitches walk the night
looking for quick bucks
even a few tried to holla but i left them like sitting ducks
i'm drunk, i'm high, i'm fucked out my mind
all over some little issues that can be solved over time
but no
i don't know what i'm doing
cause i don't know anything
i'm no better then the next bitch
the one that stares at herself for hours
the one that takes long hot showers
till her skin becomes sensitive to the touch
sits up hours every night wonder why
look to the sky...staring so hard it leaves prints in her eyes
the past life she lived seems so far away
in this life, everything that comes is never hear to stay

i keep driving and driving into this dark, cold, foggy place
now i'm really fucked up
cause everyone here has no face
no ears no eyes
they can't sense the evil, here is where it lies
i'm panicking wondering what to do
"go home sis, this is what i tell you"

you see my sister, my sister did this too.
hearing my sisters voice echo
i'm shocked it rings true
"don't follow my road, take something of your own
you see you lead this life, there's no hands to hold"
so i turn that car around and drive on home
ran up those stairs to greet my mother
only to realize
my mother was gone
open balcony door tells a story of a depressed being who couldn't take no more
she was too late
my mother decided her own fate
took her life
cause handling it...was more that meets the eye

- Aubrey

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Blurb # 13 - What Happened?

Dear Janelle,

Do you see this face?

what happened to this face?
take a good look at this face.
this face is full of happiness, confidence, no stress. just high spirits.
all this face worried about getting her hair done for school, seeing her friends, being able to bump her space jam CD when she comes home from school, not eating oatmeal and being just as strong as mother.
but now, all this face is filled of is concern, depression, sadness, pain.
not something for a girl of your nature.

you are a strong young girl and you have a whole road ahead of you. don't think about what people think/say of you. don't worry on dudes who can't see the real you or is quick to judge your character. don't stress over stupid boys either, and the ones that show play, then fade away...just let them fade. i know all these things have an impact on your life since you deal with them on a daily basis. school and friends...well maybe two of those friends, plus NLDS, should be your main focuses right now. i know you hate hearing that cause it makes it seem as if you're not focused at all, but we all get side tracked by candy in a store when we know we came for something different. get where i'm going...

the face above is what i miss. the face that had no cares in the world. just picked out things that were interesting and just rolled with it, you know? the girl who had the biggest dreams and believed in everything positive. the one that could hold her own down without anyone messing up her flow.

you know, the old Janelle? The old Jaelissa? The old MISS Scott-Johnson?
bring her back. please?

- Aubrey

P.S. if this is not knowing an aspect of one's self...i don't know what is...

Access Denied

he tried and tried again, but all he was getting was
access denied
he sent out messages of love and please come back to me, but they were even replied
access denied
burned like acid under the suns heat
he thought that this was the end and that he was finally beat

but no
access denied was a way for him to escape
for him to build his boat and finally sail away.
access denied was a prayer in disguise.
he looked at it as a break free.

while the other party looked at it as a day full of rain and coldness
the other party was taking his "caring" as some sort of boldness
he was trying, fixing, then he began replacing, forgetting
the other party couldn't bare it that they shut down, it was much, something heart breaking
the other party is so fucked that they don't know what do say, words fail them.

since the other party had codes that couldn't be cracked
he's looking at access denied as the best choice

why crack something that isn't willing to open?

- Aubrey

You Remember?

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Aubrey's Very Own

the book
the purple book
something i need to get back familiar.
the book where my life lies
you think you got everything just cause i blog my feelings?
well if you get the honest chance to check my book
that just means you're very first
i let any and everybody read it, then i thought about it
why should people read me? read the real me?

you only know me by what i say, but what i write, especially in that book, is totally different and a whole other side.

this is just the aubrey i'm willing to show, the aubrey that know one really knows...

well that's Aubrey's Very Own.

- Aubrey

"Insert Word(s) Here"

i don't wanna think about this.... "Insert Word(s) Here"
you know why? cause i get this bitter sweet ... "Insert Word(s) Here" inside that i don't want
i don't wanna "Insert Word(s) Here" this, i don't wanna know this.
this? this is what caused all this mixed up "Insert Word(s) Here" shit.
i get a happy "Insert Word(s) Here", then a sad "Insert Word(s) Here" then a mad "Insert Word(s) Here"
like i don't need this roller coaster of "Insert Word(s) Here" fuck "Insert Word(s) Here"
what has it brought me lately?

"Insert Word(s) Here"<---- guess...?

- Aubrey

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Blurb #12

no matter how hard you really wish for something, in the back of your mind do you wonder "will it even come true"

i think that people doubt things is because they really don't believe in it 100% as much as they'd really hope.

which is why i'm trying not to wish anymore. in my case, wishes are something that only come true in fairy-tales or something kid like.
and i'm no kid anymore.

- Janelle

Tuesday, May 4, 2010



i am cause i'm missing something...take a guess.

Monday, May 3, 2010

...I Just Can't Explain This Shit At All...

...I Believe In People Like You..

random, kinda.
gave myself time to think and re-think everything
and...nothing. cause all i was really thinking about most of the time was prom...and shoes... sigh.

okay gave myself more time.

i'm just hurt, okay more then hurt.
not even doing what i do best, which is flirt,
can pass time and make me feel like everything was one big lie.
on my part. well sorta. never spilled cause it wasn't a big trill
to me, obviously.
didn't think it would hurt a soul, or the hand that i'd kill to hold
guess so.
sick of hearing little sayings that ring so clear
everything is falling out of place, everything that i kept near
what seemed to me, will fit into that fucking sad book called
memories. yea yea, memories.
now they can't escape the thought of me
and you
just us....two. you know?
what was i thinking, now i'm beating myself up for misleading.
it's not me, so why did it come about?
i'm a fuck up, did you ever have any doubt?
i don't know what to do, say or think
because behind every solid blink

a warm tear falls, and hits a hard, cold surface...

- Aubrey

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Thank You!

urgh, i miss old things. tiny things like diamonds rings, Amethyst so purple deep, and the pillow on which you use to sleep. you drove me crazy and you never my baby. but hey all in all you make me stand tall. & for that, i thank you.