Tuesday, December 28, 2010

It's Over

i just can't deal anymore.
i wanna sleep, i wanna eat. i wanna be able to cope. i wanna function like i used to. i seriously want to forget you.
i don't wanna be friends, heck i don't even want to talk to you now. you are what i like to call SELFISH.
yeeep. and i'm using it in direct CONTEXT. at least i know how to use words and not throw them around. well i wouldn't know how you use words. heck i probably don't even know the real you. that's one thing i can't deal with. your scared for what? to let me in? you think keeping up these walls is going to make you a better person? it's just hiding your true self from the world. but that's OKAAY! because i'm at my brim now. i'm fed up. i'm tired. you drained me. used me up until there was nothing else. funny how i knew this was gonna happen. i saw it. but i let it play out cause i wanted to see if it would change. i guess not. i just put myself up for more hurt and pain from someone who said they were going to protect me from it... so much for that.

all i asked was realness and honesty. guess it was too hard to come by. that's all you asked of me. i gave it to you. on a fucking silver platter too. you were on me so much for not being completely honest with you. and now look. then you wonder why i give so much attitude and have anger towards you. it's because you're just...not seeing the big picture. why am i even bothering to vent? real bitches stick around. that's how you know they're hearts big enough for two. i'm finding it extremely hard to forgive you this time. all the other times is because...well i don't know because. i just did so there was no bad blood.

the thing that really burns the most is that now if you were to even spill out shit like you did before. i might not even take in what you said let alone believe you. sucks cause you basically lost my trust. i never thought i'd live to see this day... sad, sad, sad.

- Aubrey

Friday, December 24, 2010

Hope It's A Soft One...

did i really let my self down?
or was this some kind of lesson in a cloud?
looking through old things, old thoughts, old me.
i drifted so far away, i'm really thinking "how can this be?"
this isn't want i asked for nor did i want this.
but again this is life, i guess i gotta now live with it.
it's just that, it's something i never expected from me, it got too far
i have now pushed the old one down and raised a new barthey say with growth sometimes comes change and understanding.
but i'm now falling, just waiting on that landing... 

Sunday, December 19, 2010

A Change.

how did it feel to have a body laying next to you
a girl who loved you and would always pull though
to take in her scent, to hold on to her body
to feel every inch of her ocean, without it being something naughty
to have her there all night long just laying there, her mind all too strong?
you went there again, you did it. but this time to sticked around though it
even in the end you stayed with her while her thoughts raced on what happened.
you did was a real man should... you made her feel somewhat comfortable.
made her forgot about the world and her problems.
even with the ball you thought she'd fumble but she made her way through
cause on that ball, her name was written right next to you.
the true meaning of her love is written inside her soul
but she's too afraid to even let it show
she's been down that road with you and it's cause her a great deal of stress
but with you she finds it worth it

you're something like a best friend...

- Aubrey

one of those nights.

telling me the sky's the limit.
my team basically has no limit
so we ain't in the same page, i'm way ahead of my time
gifted, poetic and true, lemme spit this one rhyme
for your ears to eat, let the mind speak
truthful ways, no sinful ways
keep that dirty haze off this deep phase
let the light shine free, body continue to speak
feel and know, that it's our tim to grow...

- Aubrey

Monday, November 29, 2010

Beach Days.

it's like laying in the warm sand while the sun beams down on you making you feel...
relaxed, beautiful, toasty.
you're my sunshine on that beach, this is how you make me feel.

Thursday, November 4, 2010


it was blaring through the trunk speakers.
i used to hate it when you sang it to me...well so i made it seem.
when deep down i was feeling it every got-damn time.
i wanted you to sing it over and over and over again.
"i'm a mutha fucking KILLER"
ahh especially since your voice is just the right tone of deepness...wooo given me chills.
who knows of you'll ever sing that song ever again to me...but remembering it was pleasant.

just have this sense of giving up on something i been chasing for so long, i'm used to chasing and getting what i want...but this time it was different. i ended up with something yes...but it wasn't anything more anyhow. i still appreciate the fact that i got you anyways... :)

my love for my other half knows no bounders... ♥

- Aubrey Hope-Lynn Winter.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Seek No More...

thoughts racing, tension collides
and i’m doing this all with my wide eyes
why the fuck do they begin to flood, the the fuck do i begin to bleed
this is what i’m craving for, this is what i need
lay down, LAY DOWN, just put your body flat out
i do it every time cause i have no doubt
am i fucking twisted? i barely even tasted it
right there, right there. my word it’s right there
it slipped away now…too complicated to bare
i’m going nuts over it…wanting, needing…

but forget it all now, the one i was seeking….
i seek no more….

Monday, October 11, 2010

Deep Thought...

so i'm laying there. tears linger in my eyes. they do not fall
the floor is cold but from i can make there's a warmth coming from in between my legs.
what's done is done. many times before have a felt this feeling.
am i annoyed by this feeling? no. it's whatever
that's how i'm looking at "this" as a whatever thing
but i shouldn't be...basically what's left of my innocence is on the line here...
they come in all the time. having me feel no ways when in comes down to it now..
i'm out of sync...my hormones are basically kinda calm, but ready to bounce...
this is a part of growing up right? just basically brushing off what little girls would make such a big deal over. nahh... not me...so why do i lay on the icy floor, eyes all glossy just feeling this warmth?

i'm in deep thought.

if i got all if it out right now..i think we'd be here for days...

- Aubrey

Friday, October 8, 2010

Herself...Is Missing

she sits, in dark with dim, next to nothing light
tears fill her eyes like rain in plain site
she's hurting, never letting go of the pain
she relives it all over again
it can't escape her, if you really think about it it's all she ever knew
abuse, it began to grow, she knows it's true
she wasn't to erase, but she knows this time it isn't paper
and the reason she thinks this all happened is because her blood hates her
it runs threw her, so she leaks it
she can't stand it, so from her soul she bleeps it
for a little while though, but just like snow storm, it comes to brighten her up
this is reality though, what is it doing right now...literally cuttin her up
no one knows the true feelings as to what plays in her insides.
but what more can she do...all she ever does is cry
her friends, hate seeing her like this, but there's little they feel they can do or say
and she can't control herself anymore...anything they say makes her snap this way
she cries till she can't breathe
screams till there's no voice
but her feelings think "does she really have a choice"
everything comes hard, hits her faster then bullets
she thought everything will ease up...until this
she's losing...the battle
herself...is missing

can anybody out there see her?
cause she can't seem to see herself anymore....

Monday, October 4, 2010

Morning Verse...

given up on me. yea i seem to think so.
nothing worst then this low blow
it's a no go, no where to put my words
since basically all my crap is for the birds.
haha. seem to try, seem to figure
nothing feels better right then pullin the trigger
then have it left to linger
on all of your shoulders.
they say "this is just part of life, you're getting older"
ya yea life a game to me. just gotta fight it.
all these wrongs i gotta right them.
all these chains i gotta break them.
all this pain, can you take them?
funny how they're right there but they feel so far away.

guess i'm truly on my own now, no one is ment here to stay...
thanks for giving up on me..

- Hope

Thursday, September 30, 2010

something i do i guess.

his brother called me “Hope” cause i brought it to the team
so now i gotta bring it, make it come out like how it seems
the difference between getting money and getting creamed is
the part where you lose and the moment where you drop the bizz
i’m shy i know, building stacks? hell no…
but i’m getting there, steady, tryna show them that i’m ready
to do this, do me…let go of all this misery
cut off all the stress, no more hide behind the shadows
this is Aubrey, your Hope, which i hold… 

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Best Friends Last Forever Or Not?

minds racing and thoughts of intoxication fill the air.
straight to the face...she beats that juice. compared to her, the bottle was no fool. it knew what it was down for.
she sat there, reading, trying to keep composure. "i'm coming over.."
yea, spilling over...down the hatch it goes. "swim through my blood stream." nasty father habits.
she gets the text "i'm downstairs.."
the walk of shame is about to begin, but she can't forget her best friend for the night, her bottle.
grey goose to be exact. gulps before she hits the stairs.
what a site to see has she goes down the stairs.
surprising herself, she didn't even fall, feeling kinda accomplished she hits the last set of stairs, opens the door.
sexiest car amongst the rest, she spots it out like wild fire.
she begins to walk over to the whip.
with best friend in hand she sees more then one face on the car.
she can make out three but the last one...i face never seen before.
pretty yes.
so his type...anger builds...unexplainable.
she waves...the wave was limp and filled with death.
she gulps like it's nothing. whips her lips. looks at the bottle, it's almost done...
she can't believe. she feels her legs will fail from below her.
he steps out the car when she gets closer...he smells the alcohol on her breath and what shocked.
"hey how you doing? how was your night? bet is was nice eh? i bet it really was" she shoots him a smile
"why? what are you doing?" he says...
but means it in a way she could pick up.
"i'm doing not a thing...getting to know my best friend more. wanna meet her? she's sweet. in all ways. i bet like what's her face in the car....bitch" she's now loosing it. not understanding why all this is coming out...
after all...there's no feelings here...is there?

he's not flaming mad.
makes a couple calls while she stand there, finishing the bottle...
a car pulls up and someone comes out of it...
he throws them the keys.
"take them home then drop the car back, i have the extra key. imma stay here for a while."
points at her and her best friend.
the man nods and drives away.
he grabs her...searches her pockets and grabs her keys...they walk to the entrance to her staircase.
"what am i? a criminal? why you bothering on staying...don't you have to get back to your bitch? i'm sure she waiting on that juicy dick of yours"
with her free hand she grabs his package...
he pushes her up against the door
"i understand you're drunk, so what you say right now will not get taken serious..."
she's irritated...everything is moving slow but his words are hitting her like she's in a boxing match...
"whatever, just know i can handle my own, i don't need you"
he's opening the door while she begins to hum
"does he know what he did, turn my heart into flames?" then her best friend to her face...
"is that so?" he says to himself....
she screams...FUCK YOU!
he laughs grabs her and they make a trip up the stairs
"you know all that substance is bad?"
he says in concern
"oh so now you care about my well being...such a joke you are...guess that's why i love you." she winks at him
finally get to the top stairs...she throws up over the staircase. then whips her face
"there goes the neighborhood" best friend greets her face again
he grew tired seeing her and her "best friend" make kissy face...he grabs the fucking bottle and pours the rest over the staircase.
"all gone...best friends don't always last forever"
she says "well lucky us"

get to the door and he smells the house...guess that's not the only bottle she made best friends with.
the house tells a story of pain and heartache. he didn't know how to feel. looked at her and felt a pain he never felt. he felt sorry for he's first love...she's throwing herself away all because of his actions, he felt he didn't know what more to do...but for right now he had to be there for her. he helped her get out of her vomit clothes, bathed her, lotion her, listen to her shit talk from "i'll kill you" to "i want your kids" to "sorry excuse for man" to "you mean the world to me" she said it all.

finally got her P.J.'s on and waited till she fell asleep.
she kept humming what one song from time to time.
"distant lover...so far away. dream of him, since that day..."
"what song do you continue to hum?"
she replies "Trey Songz - Does She Know...I changed the He's to She's, cause i can relate"
he watches her...after she said that and begins to watch her does off, still trying to keep up with the song...
he's thinking while he could be with her he's here taking care of his best friend.
he starts to think of the time he was in trouble like that over a girl he was talking to...
he looks at her again
"you were always there for me...now i guess it's my turn...even if it is my fault...i'm sorry"
he turns over on the other side of the bed they were laying on...

she opens her eyes and says..."it's about time you started realizing shit..."

Wednesday, September 15, 2010


something I’ve either just brushed with my lips or something i study in the school of your mind. something i never fully grasped, something i long to have or just something people through around cause “like” isn’t deep enough. does love have a plan with me in mind? a question i always wondered but feel there’s no answer for it. i sat up last night thinking about this. “am i in this right now?” “how come certain things can’t leave me alone at this point?” crazy thing though, i’ve been slapped in the face so many times with “rejection” or “i’ll wait for you” that i just say “fuck you” and go about business that i should wait on. i said it once, and i’ll say it a million times more. the face in the mirror is familiar, i know her. but what she’s doing to herself and others isn’t what she’s knows nor capable of doing. so why is she taking on such a big and disgusting task? is it making her happy for a little while? does she like what she’s getting from this? is this what she thinks love is? losing the only thing God wants her to hold on to until someone right comes alone is really worth the wait like everyone says it is?
all this rings and more…but this is the only piece i’m willing to share. i did and still do shit now without a care in a world like i’m kind of wild child. at times i blame the situation my father put me through. ever since that day i feel too different to even understand what the hell is going on. i’m hiding my feelings more then ever and i never ignored someone else feelings in my life and felt no way about it. it’s like i don’t care about anything anymore period now. i’m just growing impatient with everything, tired of some friends and just want to pour anything out to that one person. i NEED something real now, it’s getting to me that i haven’t found it yet and now i’m preventing that from even coming around cause i’m scared if i let someone in just this one last time…it’s completely over.
so dear love, i’m here….waiting….again.
yours truly, 
Aubrey Hope….

Sunday, September 12, 2010

I Guess That's Me

had this...dream
i guess you can call it that.
it was super crazy to me...cause i always had your back
it was something i see you doing, chasing your dream

i was one step behind you supporting, that's how it seemed
it was hard i can lie, and i barely saw you.
but all i could do was sit on the side, just watch you do you.
shooting for the stars and not believing the sky is truly the limit
but i was there. i was always there. supporting you.i never forgot it.
then boom! you got your big break. money was flowing on like water from a warm tap.
it was like vanish, everything was a wrap.
you were focused, from money to tracks to clothes to music.
everything was finally going your way, i never abused it.
i waited for you to finally realize that i didn't leave like most did
i sticked around and still stayed posted.
i guess that's me. the one that waits.
but knowing it's worth it is the reason why i stay.

couples years go by now, and the business is moving steady...wasn't as crazy as when we were young
you turn to me and say "i think it's time, you know when two becomes one"
i look at you....and ask..."huh?"
you smile and begin to talk about how when no one was there it was always me.
you see
it all started when i started dreaming big and you were down more then anyone...

- Aubrey Hope.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

How About I Just Spit In Your Face? Yeah?

so uhhh, where do i start right now?
i think today i figured some things out, and in the situations i have now...there has to be a lot more talking. i'm very uneasy right now so even opening the "new post button" on my blog today...i feel it's a big step.

"keep going in circles, circles. round and round and while you're doing me so wrong i just keep holding you down. i feel so stupid, foolish loving you this way. but what can i say cause i wanna go...but i keep coming back"

- Jazmine Sullivan.

words that ring and continue to ring... here's some more

"would have came back for you, i just needed time. to do what i had to do. caught it the life. i can't let it go, weather that's right. i would ever know. hope you forgive me, never meant wrong. i tried to be patient. waited too long. but i would have came back..."

- Drake.

the first set of lyrics for how i feel. the second is how i want you to feel. that's how i feel you feel anyways. but then i could be wrong. i feel i don't know the person i been calling me other half for so long now. it feels like we known each other since we were kids, but it's only been a year. in one whole year i fell for you. wanted to hate you, loved being your friend. started saying "i love you." we said it everyday. there was never a day that went by back then were one of us never went without saying it...now it's like...never said. started falling for you. stayed falling. then finally hit the floor in which they call "in love" and wanted to escape cause i KNEW pain will surface...and i was right. tired denial and lying to others screaming to them "i don't love him like that anymore" when sadly i still do and i dislike it...cause nothing is happening. 

i dislike when people are scared of things that will benefit them in the end. they doubt what's always been good to them cause they're never used to this type of thing and continue to doubt the fact that it's good and will stay this good. you're blinded by the fact that...i'm not going anywhere. i have no intention of hurting you. i feel like i have to....do everything i can to protect you. and i know you feel the same. i'm not going to lie you had me then and you still have me now. but my feelings? you really never had a real grasp on those. those are the only things i want taken care of cause obviously i'm not doing a good job. i mean look at me. i'm broken, beat up and hurting. forever hurting. i want change and it seems like i can find that change in you...you're just being....well...a firewall. you put it up so you don't get hurt. i get hurt in the end. i still continue to "ride" for you...

it's okay to be scared. but why be scared of the familiar?
just wanted to let you know, i don't love you cause i'm in love with you.
it just hurts too much.

"one side is saying take a break Hope. where will he really go? to answer that...he'll go with her...her isn't me..." - Aubrey.

- Hope

Monday, August 23, 2010

You Reap What You Sow

looking back on a poem i wrote earlier and feeling like a damn fool
can't believe i wrote something along those lines, i basically acted like he was my tool
he was far from that
i hope he knows now he basically destroyed the last bit of faith i really had in a man whose job is to protect
but he ignored my cries, continued to beat down, touch and neglect.
father? father?
you could ask me what "father" means to me...and i'd come up with nothing, just empty
is this what God as for me? is this what he sent to me?
a man who cannot face his issues head on, a man who cannot love himself?
a man who says things, but ever comes through? a man who lives off other peoples wealth?
if that is what a father is then i rather have my mother.
cause out of all the parent figures in my life, i'm now seeing what she's been saying. it's nothing like no other.
my "father" doesn't care about anyone, not even himself cause if he did, he wouldn't be destroying his temple
God gave us this beautiful body for us to do our part and take care.
but all he does is smoke like crazy and drink beers
i see it now
the deceiving side
the side that he covered up, the side that he decided to hide
i can tell you stories upon stories about how men treated me in the past
i've been punched, touched and slapped.
i've seen it all, i been there through it.
people don't understand when i said "yo i already knew it"
they see the soft side of me and think "she's playing a role"
i hide all this because i never wanted to bare my soul
but it's here. in the flesh and crying out for love
a hand to set me free from all this negativity, a hand from up above
praying now...?
i'm scared to. i'm questioning my own faith, God please tell me how
fighting back tears as if i'm at war with my eyes.
this is why i see past the right guys, fall for the ones that break me
cause i'm broken
it's all i ever known
then there's him, but he can't see past friendship

i love myself more then anyone's words can tell me, but situations like this make me forget how to love
this person came in, told me those words, made me believe that it's true
a man that says he loves me, wouldn't do the things you do.
he wouldn't violate me.
he would take me in his arms and say "everything will be okay, i'm here now" protection
he'd show me endless love and affection.
wouldn't mess with my mind and cause me to lose sleep.
he wouldn't bring fear at my door, have it move it and take over.
i learned one thing in church on Sunday "you reap what you sow"

soon one day "father" you'll know.

- Aubrey Hope.

In Too Deep

yea i don't think now he understands how deeply i feel for him and his safety
i understand that he can handle his own cause i seen him do it, at the same time i'm willing to help
he's like...family.
now i'm in love
not a shallow "in love"
but he feels deeper than anything
he may not have me on some levels, but overall he cares period.
the one i call close.
even thinking about this whole thing is moving.
i never had a friend like this.
him and i been through a lot. he may not think so.
but this was a roller coaster. a big one at that

this just goes to show me that i'm seriously in too deep
i'd put my life on the line.
and i never put my life on the line for anyone but my mom.
but there's just something about this that i want sooo bad. and it kills.

cause i'm in too deep...
doesn't ever seem like anything will ever happen on those levels of love...

- Heartless Aubrey

Saturday, August 21, 2010


you know when you sleep, that's when you look most peaceful?
i talk to you, did you know that?
i whisper into your ears the simplest things that come to mind
i tell you how much i care
i tell you that your dream will soon come true
i swipe my hands across your forehead and smile at you watching your face twitch
you do a lot of things when you sleep, i hold your hand
when i speak, you face me.
i say "i love you" you smile
i kiss you, you squeeze my hand
i stare at you.
you roll over and hug me
we hug each other.
i begin to fall asleep but i hold myself together.
when you wake in the morning, you wonder why i sleep longer
i feel i should be the one watching out for you
keeping the harm away.
if there's a bad dream along the way, i should be the one you roll over to, i should be wide awake
finally i wake up, i ask you how your sleep was.
you say "i had the weirdest dream"
i ask you to explain
you said you had this dream. you were being pampered.
like a guardian angel was taking care of you're every need...

- Aubrey

Friday, August 20, 2010

Hey, Can We Talk For A Sec?

okay let's get one think clear.
no disrespect thing, i'm being real.
if you feel happy here, then tell me who am i to stop you?
if you feel at home here. who am i to make you feel you have to move?
okay okay cut the similarities.
real shit, nothing will cut me more then seeing you smile here and feel like everything couldn't get better here
but at the end if the day if being happy here brings you joy and happiness.
then i'm happy.
i want nothing more then for you to be HAPPY.
that will make me happy.
i may not find happiness in myself, but if its in you. then hey
why should i complain?
i love when you have a smile on your face.

but enough about this man...go go just be happy.
you never considered my feelings, why consider them now?
they were never important cause i have no feelings on this.
you wanted this more then anyone. now that your face to face with it
do not let my feelings effect it.

i feel no ways on this cause my mind is at another door step.
someone else can have a crack at my safe.
time to crack at yours.

talk over...

Wednesday, August 18, 2010


"Every day I get up, she's on my mind
I can't get enough & I don't know why
But it's more than a crush
I can't believe it's getting deeper
All the time I wanna see her

But it wasn't suppose to go this way
She was suppose to be another game to play
And I can't figure it out
I don't know how she did it
But she made me fall, fall, fall"

yea he use to sing those words. constantly.
always use to come to me, my shoulder was always free
i was always there, the girl who always cared
the one who was easy to talk, i was the listener
but every time he'd spit his feelings. to me it would always hurt
i always wanted him to find something right someone cool
a chick that would makes problems into fights.

it wasn't like an usher thing "you make me wanna"
but his feelings and his well-being is what i was always fond of.
i care for him

he just needs to find that.

Gotta Get Off...

i want to be able to give this new new all of me but i'm still in with my past
man this life comes and plays all sorts of feeling tag and send you on some roller coaster ride with no barf bag

i don't wanna linger on you anymore...so how to i get off this ride?


seems like a broken record play over and endlessly
why do thoughts come back around in the forum of you?
only to think about this passion then get lost within it, beginning to lose myself in it.
it all comes down to you.
this will make me, break me, misplace me...then try to find me

so i think

you see your a sugar coat
i figment of my wild imagination
i think, yet i feel this fib i tell myself
"things will happen, it will go my way"
only to get shot down and betrayed
by not only the subject, but also myself. you see i sit here and believe in something
that everyone can see happen but the two who are well off in it.
one chooses to agree, while the next...well can't see
can't see cause its not where there head is nor will ever be
one has faith while the other, could care less...they're heartless
that word stings. heartless.
how could one be so damaged to become heartless
romantically numb
emotionally limited.

i thought i could never see myself in that state but the more i re-live the moments that took me to that place
the more i digg within it to find a peace for myself
my mind takes me to so many places. all figments of imagination.
i have faith within this walls only to fall into reality like rain falls from the blue sky
the hidden truth comes crashing down and in an instant i'm blown away by things that i wish weren't true
things i feared, things i prayed the opposite for.
i didn't want this. i didn't want the pain you inflicted, but i greeted it with open arms
it was too familiar so i was drawn to it like shopaholics are drawn to sales.
so is this my fate, is this where my stop is?
this world that i feel i now have to embrace?

you drove me to this place.
so when will the next one be my escape?

Monday, August 16, 2010

Ride The Wave

ride the wave
the peace of mind the sounds of the water in which it takes you to a place you call home
a place where the grass is greener, the air is cleaner and the sun always feels good.
the smell if nature takes over and you begin to feel real peace
everyone has some kind of take on peace.
some turn to drugs
some turn to alcohol
some turn to clubs and some turn to sex
while you, well you just turn to your most inner thoughts
the power of your mind
the feel of your soul
the space in your heart
that's your peace, that's your grace
you find the one true happiness in yourself
your dreams are your guidebook and thought process equals the whole journey

so take this ride
ride the wave.

- Aubrey Hope


Jay Jay
there’s more, but these are the main ones.

Pick One. Either Way They The Wrong Answers (So They Say)

i write because i can
i express cause it's needed
i keep things bottled up and they say that's wrong
but when i wanna let everything out, they say: do it with caution.
why should i have to be limited on what i want to let out and what i wanna hold back?
why should i have to hold my tongue in silence just to spare others when they don't think twice about me?
do you want me to yell at you? do you want me to cry? do you want me to just do nothing and stand by?
i let it out, i get questions, i keep it in, i still get questions
i have my own way of being heard and not being heard.
i have this thing were i WRITE. i feel that when i do i shouldn't have to hear you.
i shouldn't have to vibe you out, and read what you gotta say without eve saying it.
i shouldn't have to prove myself to anybody but the most important three.
i write cause it makes me happy. i write to set free whatever it is what tends to keep me heavy

my feelings

i let them loose cause they are wild.
they are crazy, they are fierce.
they are dangerous.
that is my poison. it's what kills.

so let it out, or bottle it up?

- Hope

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Will Never....

hot breath with a hint of mint, faded eye shadow and mascara marks dance on my eyes
i'm tired. yesterday's feelings with this mornings laughter linger on my face
a mixture of the two. and a feeling i can't erase.
i'm shook up, yet totally excited because this experience was more then i could ask for.
finally i got what i wanted this summer. a chill day with the people i care most about.
Drake filled car. not that new ish he talking now no, the actual stories he spits.
relate some how to all of them. putting in a trance in the back seat i feel light as snow flakes.
looking out the window but not really looking outside. more like me, in my mind pasting my life in the sky.
the window was my outlet for the moment. as soon as the car went in drive, the memories vanish.
they fade but only to bring up feelings of hurt and wanting. sadness and dis-likeness towards his actions
why should i care? we young, stupid and experimental. too bad i was the lab rat and you were the doctor waiting to test.
then i switch. looking up at the stars puts me at ease. shooting stars poked there amazing bright faces. and i managed to get a quick wish in. sitting with my brothers feeling their sadness and slowly relating again.
you bare your everything and have someone throw it out like last nights leftovers. hoping to God that they finally see what they been missing, what they been craving. but me only knowing and basing my actions on his reaction is vital for my breaking heart. then boom. my mind faces me with the reality that this...will never...

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Back In Time

black frames and g-shocks.
skinny's and high tops.
a cool fitted and curly locks.
that's how i wanna kick it.
that's the swag i'm soon swinging with.
it's fits me...where i wanna be.
but all up on girl ville with three.
nahh just chill old school and friends who seriously cool.
fly back in the past where everything was clean.
none of this messy dirty crap that y'all newbie's feed.
back in time man. 

Back In Time.

- A.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

i'm into telling you what you wanna hear. not what's really true. you're never true with me anyways. #TrueColours.

break down of what i mean
Example: “yo what if i were to ask you to be my girl, would you be down?”

“uhhhh yeaaaa….?”
i said “yea” cause it’s what you expected. i said what was expected instead of what wasn’t cause either way both answers would have thrown you. you’d think i’d say “NO” but then again you were kinda on the fence, not really knowing what to expect. but kinda expecting “yes”. keeping my feelings in mind however most times i would have said “no” cause it’s what is usually said. but i lied. i knew that if i said “yes” i would have got either *silence* or an “oh”
basically i wasn’t being straight up *first time ever* because i thought it would be a little spice added to the cook-out. i told you want you kinda wanted to hear. to be honest i really didn’t want to answer the question cause i didn’t care. i know you. i know how you are with girls. i know how you are with me. why would i wanna be in a realtionship with you? all i did was LOVE you. i didn’t wanna be with you. i liked thinking about a new you. a you that had open eyes to something that could have been one of the best things you ever done good in your life. but instead you manipulate my mind and took big advantage of me…like they always do. i give you props. you played a good game. told a couple lies…leaded me on…once again. but who’s the fool? me? i think so….
someone once told me, “don’t try to play a game that doesn’t make sense to you. you will only feel stupid. foolish even.” it’s cause i never found out the rules. this game has no rules. everyone fights dirty and most of the time, the victim ends up with a heavy heart and dead weight. the suspect could care less. but this time around i was feeling both ways. i felt like it was over for me in a sense. i just couldn’t believe that someone i could trust my life with would play with something i cared most about. something i would die for. he fucked with it. then i sat right here in this chair and stared out into nothing. i felt nothing. not a single sting of feelings. i felt like my heart stopped beating. like it was cold, but yet no goosebumps. it was as if a bomb went off and my whole sense of remorse was vanished. i could care less. i could feel less. but i wanted to hurt someone. hurt someone like the ones before me did. i wanted to make someone fall for me…i wanted them to feel emotional pain like what a girl feels. feel their heart rip out from them and watch as someone stomps all over it. does shit to it that you could not ever imagine. yea i wanted to be that monster. that BITCH you’ll hate. that chick you wanna erase. that cancer with no cure. i wanted my name to drip from your mouth like blood does from a slit wrist. i wanted to destroy.
now i can honestly say that i’m not looking nor will i look forward to someone coming my way. i don’t wanna sound like a regular chick talking about “men are dogs” and BS like that. now all i want is company. i don’t know about commitment. seems that when you show a dude that that’s what you want they get scared or something. so i’m showing nothing. heartless and free. bittersweet. i still wanna know what it’s like to be on the players side of the fence at the same time i’m scared of that side. cause once someone gets hurt like how i get hurt, it’s a wrap, that’s all they ever wanna do…is inflict pain. this point in time i know i don’t wanna deal with….whatever this is. i just want company. i want a different type of friend. someone where we can share the same feelings without the boyfriend/girlfriend label. i’m not into that label. with that comes talk of all towns and noisy people and such crap. i want the opposite sex….point blank. just to kick it with.
yea that’s it…just kicking it. :)
- Aubrey

Monday, August 9, 2010

Deuces Remix

all that nonsense is for her…cause i’m dippin out now ow ow ow. always finding out the worst. you a straight mess up. you’ll regret the day when i find another…who knows just want i need. and knows just what i mean when i tell him keep it drama free. find your feelings bro. i’m already throwing up the DEUCES. i told you that i’m leaving… stay mad, give a F**k, nahh ain’t no best of luck…me and the team throw those deuces up. ;)

He Sings: she on some new ish she chucked those deuces up to you. told you to move on to something new. no more calling her your boo. so she out she said BYE BYE! say bye bye to waste. next mans get a taste.

used to be running lines, i tell you “you were mine.” thought it was true love, but stupid men lie. it’s like i send my love with calls three time, came over cause i care, but i aint get a simple “hi” tryna see your brown eyes, but it’s like i’m plain blind. screw it let’s hit the clubs. i don’t sip. don’t pour me none. cause when it’s all said and done, don’t wanna show the world how much a hate you. i hate liars screw love i’m tired of trying. my heard huge, living in silence. i never felt that we ever vibin cause every time we alone it’s an awkward quiet. leave my heart on your kitchen counter, don’t want it back you already broke it. this is over, so don’t trip dude. it kills to have to let you go, but baby i can’t take it i’m out the door.

 He Sings: she on some new ish she chucked those deuces up to you. told you to move on to something new. no more calling her your boo. so she out she said BYE BYE! say bye bye to waste. next mans get a taste.

this new one always on some fly man ish. so he flips that middle finger, the index finger follow. to you. showing you ain’t got no future tomorrow. yea you a dick, to bad you ain’t to big to swallow. chicks running around complaining, thinking that you some other usher raymond. don’t care if it registered. don’t drip, when i’m gone, it will. man you full of drama like the white chicks on the hills. i finally noticed it, it fully hit me. like shit hitting the fans it finally hit me. got a new dude, and he ain’t you. he gives me sweet chills, something like de ja vu. all my attittude, you goin here about it, and all that ish he does for me, yeah you goin read about it. Aubrey rep t.dot west town. but i’m just throwing two up. chucking up the deuces now.

He Sings: she on some new ish she chucked those deuces up to you. told you to move on to something new. no more calling her your boo. so she out she said BYE BYE! say bye bye to waste. next mans get a taste.


i sat quietly enough and i heard the train go by and i wondered: will my life take off as that train does? will my dreams hit my reality like a head on collision?
when you sit in silence sometimes the troubles of the world don’t seem to matter when you’re in your own thoughts. 
- Aubrey

Words That Will Ring...

Would've came back for you ,
I just needed time, to do what I had to do
caught in the life, I cant let it go whether thats right I will never know,
hoping you will forgive me, never meant wrong,
tried to be patient, waited too long,
but I wouldve came back, but i wouldve came back,
wouldve came back, wouldve came back.
Wouldve came -
- Drake

Missing: Aubrey's Heart

it's about as big as a fist and it's faded purple-ish in colour. it's has a few tiny cracks and some rough patches but it's still a heart nonetheless. not really pretty to look at considering it looks like someone glued it back a couple times from dropping it. it also has tiny holes from missing pieces but you'd have to look at it very close up. other then that it smells like lavender with a hint of lemon.
return it to Aubrey.

- Management .

i wanna thank Management for taking the time out to put out the missing report
but here's the thing.
if you really do find that heart.
go to Egypt and throw it in the Nile.
i say that heart cause it's no longer mine. i dislike that heart because i put it through too much, it needs a better home cause if i take it back now, i'll live with it in vain. i won't listen to it...
broken mind + broken heart = destruction. i barely did right by you. some say you're the biggest lair so your cries fell on my deaf ears. so now i think it's safe to say that heartless is the way to go right now. at least if i get hurt after all this...won't feel that much pain where my heart should be...just numbness....

- Heartless Aubrey

P.S. this heartless thing is a permanent thing. 

Sunday, August 8, 2010

I'm Completely Messed Now.

i am officially destroyed.
now i wanna hurt
i wanna bring pain on to every and any boy that comes my way
you know why?
cause i'm broken now.
it's been too much, too late.
i've tried to be the honest, the faithful, the authentic girl that someone will need
but i'm too messed now
my mind is so freaking...MESSED. 
i just wanna slap a face....off
i just wanna break a heart, i wanna make them fall and have no intention of catching them

it's guys like this that make girls like me become the ones that everyone hates.

- A.


i gave in. and i like it.


come visit.

- A

Saturday, August 7, 2010

What If...Right Now?

What if i kissed you right now?
would it come as a shock, would you turn away
or would you embrace me like we all embrace God gift of today?
what if i kissed you tomorrow
would you enjoy it? tell all the home boys: "yo me and her finally on it!"
hey what's if i kissed you next week

would it take your breath away so you couldn't speak?

what if? what if?
what if i held your hand, took a walk to the calm place and kicked up sand?
what if we laid in the sun, in silence just watching the clouds pass us by
or what if there was cotton on the ground and the nights got colder
we were chilling with a  group if friends and one said: "yo i think it's time for you to hold her"
they wouldn't have to say it twice cause you knew the time was right

i would wonder what if's forever
but just holding you down i feel would be better.

- A.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010


beginning to love me. 
there were times i wish i looked like someone better. God made me this way. he made me beautiful. he made me alive. he gave life. in this body i will begin to live...for him. from the tip of my split ends to the end of my toe nails i will take one day at a time to find love within God. i can't find that type of love anywhere else so why not look in the place i doubted couples times in my life. i felt what's it's like to have him there...i don't wanna lose it. i'll fight all this temptation and do right....just one day at a time.

- A.

Friday, July 30, 2010

Dot & I - Our Beginning

so yesterday mother and i went to Younge street. we were on a mission. i was about to feel the excitement of purchasing a camera. not just a dinky regular digital camera, no. this was a D90 Nikon we were searching for. then right before our eyes, this store not to far from where my mom works. to be honest i forget what it was called. :( but hey...they were PACKED WITH CAMERAS. and Mike, who dealt with us was the nicest salesperson EVER! so we walked in and Mike and another gentlemen greeted us with warm "hellos" and such. so we greeted back. then my voice came alive "do you guys carry D90's?" then scanning the racks i saw the tags "D90 Nikon" then i said "oh you guys do" my heart started singing. then Mike said "as you can see in it's place there is nothing there." i got scared and my heart stopped. then he looked up at the shelf and said "we do have a kit though..." WHICH IS WHAT I WAS LOOKING FOR. i looked at mother then looked at the camera. then a smile appeared on my face and never left. after like five minutes of thinking my mom said okay we'll get it. AHHH! he took it down from the self and opened the box. my dreams flashed before my eyes. with every opening of a box. (three boxes) i wanted to scream, it was sooo beautiful. finally after all the paperwork and extra chat i was never paying any attention to cause i was holding my career in my hands, i finally get to take the Nikon home. skip the train ride and the paranoia i had on the train hoping no one thinks about jumping me or my inner Jet Li will kick some ass, we finally make it home. you would think i would settle in but NO, i buss that sucker open and put it together, didn't even charge the battery yet and started snapping. everything and anything got snapped. told a couple friends on MSN and Facebook that i got my baby. all this time i wanna name it. well her. but i didn't want it to be a lame name like daisy or something corny. so i was thinking all evening about it. while doing that i went to see a friend and maybe snap some shots there or whatever. got a couple nice ones but i have a lot of growing to do. she also got some couple shots. she too wants a camera like mine. after that i went home and snapped some more...then got on the three-way calling tip and was talking about my baby. she has no name yet. right then and there i decided it was a girl. aha! then i was talking to my friends about a name. then i thought about this show i used to watch with i was little and one of the characters names was "dot" i was like, "i like the ring to that. and i don't find it lame. SO HER NAME IS DOT. DOT AND AUBREY..WHAAAAT? HOW SICK IS THAT BRO?" I swear i heard crickets on the phone cause home boys went silent. then eventually dosed off on the phone laying next to Dot on the floor while jersey shore was playing on the tele. i missed it all by the way. :(

to new beginnings. :D

- A. 

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

I Shouldn't Be This Unhappy....

i really shouldn't.

- A.

yea yay me

so it's was only two days and i failed. whatever.
and it's not the fact that i wanted to use the computer, it's the fact that me and alone-ness doesn't really mix all the time. it's the only way i communicate with people besides the phone. i'm not really a phone person with everyone...just a few. so now i'm broke, again and stuck at home.

life is sweet.

- A.