Monday, August 23, 2010

You Reap What You Sow

looking back on a poem i wrote earlier and feeling like a damn fool
can't believe i wrote something along those lines, i basically acted like he was my tool
he was far from that
i hope he knows now he basically destroyed the last bit of faith i really had in a man whose job is to protect
but he ignored my cries, continued to beat down, touch and neglect.
father? father?
you could ask me what "father" means to me...and i'd come up with nothing, just empty
is this what God as for me? is this what he sent to me?
a man who cannot face his issues head on, a man who cannot love himself?
a man who says things, but ever comes through? a man who lives off other peoples wealth?
if that is what a father is then i rather have my mother.
cause out of all the parent figures in my life, i'm now seeing what she's been saying. it's nothing like no other.
my "father" doesn't care about anyone, not even himself cause if he did, he wouldn't be destroying his temple
God gave us this beautiful body for us to do our part and take care.
but all he does is smoke like crazy and drink beers
i see it now
the deceiving side
the side that he covered up, the side that he decided to hide
i can tell you stories upon stories about how men treated me in the past
i've been punched, touched and slapped.
i've seen it all, i been there through it.
people don't understand when i said "yo i already knew it"
they see the soft side of me and think "she's playing a role"
i hide all this because i never wanted to bare my soul
but it's here. in the flesh and crying out for love
a hand to set me free from all this negativity, a hand from up above
praying now...?
i'm scared to. i'm questioning my own faith, God please tell me how
fighting back tears as if i'm at war with my eyes.
this is why i see past the right guys, fall for the ones that break me
cause i'm broken
it's all i ever known
then there's him, but he can't see past friendship

i love myself more then anyone's words can tell me, but situations like this make me forget how to love
this person came in, told me those words, made me believe that it's true
a man that says he loves me, wouldn't do the things you do.
he wouldn't violate me.
he would take me in his arms and say "everything will be okay, i'm here now" protection
he'd show me endless love and affection.
wouldn't mess with my mind and cause me to lose sleep.
he wouldn't bring fear at my door, have it move it and take over.
i learned one thing in church on Sunday "you reap what you sow"

soon one day "father" you'll know.

- Aubrey Hope.

In Too Deep

yea i don't think now he understands how deeply i feel for him and his safety
i understand that he can handle his own cause i seen him do it, at the same time i'm willing to help
now i'm in love
not a shallow "in love"
but he feels deeper than anything
he may not have me on some levels, but overall he cares period.
the one i call close.
even thinking about this whole thing is moving.
i never had a friend like this.
him and i been through a lot. he may not think so.
but this was a roller coaster. a big one at that

this just goes to show me that i'm seriously in too deep
i'd put my life on the line.
and i never put my life on the line for anyone but my mom.
but there's just something about this that i want sooo bad. and it kills.

cause i'm in too deep...
doesn't ever seem like anything will ever happen on those levels of love...

- Heartless Aubrey

Saturday, August 21, 2010


you know when you sleep, that's when you look most peaceful?
i talk to you, did you know that?
i whisper into your ears the simplest things that come to mind
i tell you how much i care
i tell you that your dream will soon come true
i swipe my hands across your forehead and smile at you watching your face twitch
you do a lot of things when you sleep, i hold your hand
when i speak, you face me.
i say "i love you" you smile
i kiss you, you squeeze my hand
i stare at you.
you roll over and hug me
we hug each other.
i begin to fall asleep but i hold myself together.
when you wake in the morning, you wonder why i sleep longer
i feel i should be the one watching out for you
keeping the harm away.
if there's a bad dream along the way, i should be the one you roll over to, i should be wide awake
finally i wake up, i ask you how your sleep was.
you say "i had the weirdest dream"
i ask you to explain
you said you had this dream. you were being pampered.
like a guardian angel was taking care of you're every need...

- Aubrey

Friday, August 20, 2010

Hey, Can We Talk For A Sec?

okay let's get one think clear.
no disrespect thing, i'm being real.
if you feel happy here, then tell me who am i to stop you?
if you feel at home here. who am i to make you feel you have to move?
okay okay cut the similarities.
real shit, nothing will cut me more then seeing you smile here and feel like everything couldn't get better here
but at the end if the day if being happy here brings you joy and happiness.
then i'm happy.
i want nothing more then for you to be HAPPY.
that will make me happy.
i may not find happiness in myself, but if its in you. then hey
why should i complain?
i love when you have a smile on your face.

but enough about this man...go go just be happy.
you never considered my feelings, why consider them now?
they were never important cause i have no feelings on this.
you wanted this more then anyone. now that your face to face with it
do not let my feelings effect it.

i feel no ways on this cause my mind is at another door step.
someone else can have a crack at my safe.
time to crack at yours.

talk over...

Wednesday, August 18, 2010


"Every day I get up, she's on my mind
I can't get enough & I don't know why
But it's more than a crush
I can't believe it's getting deeper
All the time I wanna see her

But it wasn't suppose to go this way
She was suppose to be another game to play
And I can't figure it out
I don't know how she did it
But she made me fall, fall, fall"

yea he use to sing those words. constantly.
always use to come to me, my shoulder was always free
i was always there, the girl who always cared
the one who was easy to talk, i was the listener
but every time he'd spit his feelings. to me it would always hurt
i always wanted him to find something right someone cool
a chick that would makes problems into fights.

it wasn't like an usher thing "you make me wanna"
but his feelings and his well-being is what i was always fond of.
i care for him

he just needs to find that.

Gotta Get Off...

i want to be able to give this new new all of me but i'm still in with my past
man this life comes and plays all sorts of feeling tag and send you on some roller coaster ride with no barf bag

i don't wanna linger on you how to i get off this ride?


seems like a broken record play over and endlessly
why do thoughts come back around in the forum of you?
only to think about this passion then get lost within it, beginning to lose myself in it.
it all comes down to you.
this will make me, break me, misplace me...then try to find me

so i think

you see your a sugar coat
i figment of my wild imagination
i think, yet i feel this fib i tell myself
"things will happen, it will go my way"
only to get shot down and betrayed
by not only the subject, but also myself. you see i sit here and believe in something
that everyone can see happen but the two who are well off in it.
one chooses to agree, while the next...well can't see
can't see cause its not where there head is nor will ever be
one has faith while the other, could care less...they're heartless
that word stings. heartless.
how could one be so damaged to become heartless
romantically numb
emotionally limited.

i thought i could never see myself in that state but the more i re-live the moments that took me to that place
the more i digg within it to find a peace for myself
my mind takes me to so many places. all figments of imagination.
i have faith within this walls only to fall into reality like rain falls from the blue sky
the hidden truth comes crashing down and in an instant i'm blown away by things that i wish weren't true
things i feared, things i prayed the opposite for.
i didn't want this. i didn't want the pain you inflicted, but i greeted it with open arms
it was too familiar so i was drawn to it like shopaholics are drawn to sales.
so is this my fate, is this where my stop is?
this world that i feel i now have to embrace?

you drove me to this place.
so when will the next one be my escape?

Monday, August 16, 2010

Ride The Wave

ride the wave
the peace of mind the sounds of the water in which it takes you to a place you call home
a place where the grass is greener, the air is cleaner and the sun always feels good.
the smell if nature takes over and you begin to feel real peace
everyone has some kind of take on peace.
some turn to drugs
some turn to alcohol
some turn to clubs and some turn to sex
while you, well you just turn to your most inner thoughts
the power of your mind
the feel of your soul
the space in your heart
that's your peace, that's your grace
you find the one true happiness in yourself
your dreams are your guidebook and thought process equals the whole journey

so take this ride
ride the wave.

- Aubrey Hope


Jay Jay
there’s more, but these are the main ones.

Pick One. Either Way They The Wrong Answers (So They Say)

i write because i can
i express cause it's needed
i keep things bottled up and they say that's wrong
but when i wanna let everything out, they say: do it with caution.
why should i have to be limited on what i want to let out and what i wanna hold back?
why should i have to hold my tongue in silence just to spare others when they don't think twice about me?
do you want me to yell at you? do you want me to cry? do you want me to just do nothing and stand by?
i let it out, i get questions, i keep it in, i still get questions
i have my own way of being heard and not being heard.
i have this thing were i WRITE. i feel that when i do i shouldn't have to hear you.
i shouldn't have to vibe you out, and read what you gotta say without eve saying it.
i shouldn't have to prove myself to anybody but the most important three.
i write cause it makes me happy. i write to set free whatever it is what tends to keep me heavy

my feelings

i let them loose cause they are wild.
they are crazy, they are fierce.
they are dangerous.
that is my poison. it's what kills.

so let it out, or bottle it up?

- Hope

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Will Never....

hot breath with a hint of mint, faded eye shadow and mascara marks dance on my eyes
i'm tired. yesterday's feelings with this mornings laughter linger on my face
a mixture of the two. and a feeling i can't erase.
i'm shook up, yet totally excited because this experience was more then i could ask for.
finally i got what i wanted this summer. a chill day with the people i care most about.
Drake filled car. not that new ish he talking now no, the actual stories he spits.
relate some how to all of them. putting in a trance in the back seat i feel light as snow flakes.
looking out the window but not really looking outside. more like me, in my mind pasting my life in the sky.
the window was my outlet for the moment. as soon as the car went in drive, the memories vanish.
they fade but only to bring up feelings of hurt and wanting. sadness and dis-likeness towards his actions
why should i care? we young, stupid and experimental. too bad i was the lab rat and you were the doctor waiting to test.
then i switch. looking up at the stars puts me at ease. shooting stars poked there amazing bright faces. and i managed to get a quick wish in. sitting with my brothers feeling their sadness and slowly relating again.
you bare your everything and have someone throw it out like last nights leftovers. hoping to God that they finally see what they been missing, what they been craving. but me only knowing and basing my actions on his reaction is vital for my breaking heart. then boom. my mind faces me with the reality that this...will never...

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Back In Time

black frames and g-shocks.
skinny's and high tops.
a cool fitted and curly locks.
that's how i wanna kick it.
that's the swag i'm soon swinging with.
it's fits me...where i wanna be.
but all up on girl ville with three.
nahh just chill old school and friends who seriously cool.
fly back in the past where everything was clean.
none of this messy dirty crap that y'all newbie's feed.
back in time man. 

Back In Time.

- A.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

i'm into telling you what you wanna hear. not what's really true. you're never true with me anyways. #TrueColours.

break down of what i mean
Example: “yo what if i were to ask you to be my girl, would you be down?”

“uhhhh yeaaaa….?”
i said “yea” cause it’s what you expected. i said what was expected instead of what wasn’t cause either way both answers would have thrown you. you’d think i’d say “NO” but then again you were kinda on the fence, not really knowing what to expect. but kinda expecting “yes”. keeping my feelings in mind however most times i would have said “no” cause it’s what is usually said. but i lied. i knew that if i said “yes” i would have got either *silence* or an “oh”
basically i wasn’t being straight up *first time ever* because i thought it would be a little spice added to the cook-out. i told you want you kinda wanted to hear. to be honest i really didn’t want to answer the question cause i didn’t care. i know you. i know how you are with girls. i know how you are with me. why would i wanna be in a realtionship with you? all i did was LOVE you. i didn’t wanna be with you. i liked thinking about a new you. a you that had open eyes to something that could have been one of the best things you ever done good in your life. but instead you manipulate my mind and took big advantage of me…like they always do. i give you props. you played a good game. told a couple lies…leaded me on…once again. but who’s the fool? me? i think so….
someone once told me, “don’t try to play a game that doesn’t make sense to you. you will only feel stupid. foolish even.” it’s cause i never found out the rules. this game has no rules. everyone fights dirty and most of the time, the victim ends up with a heavy heart and dead weight. the suspect could care less. but this time around i was feeling both ways. i felt like it was over for me in a sense. i just couldn’t believe that someone i could trust my life with would play with something i cared most about. something i would die for. he fucked with it. then i sat right here in this chair and stared out into nothing. i felt nothing. not a single sting of feelings. i felt like my heart stopped beating. like it was cold, but yet no goosebumps. it was as if a bomb went off and my whole sense of remorse was vanished. i could care less. i could feel less. but i wanted to hurt someone. hurt someone like the ones before me did. i wanted to make someone fall for me…i wanted them to feel emotional pain like what a girl feels. feel their heart rip out from them and watch as someone stomps all over it. does shit to it that you could not ever imagine. yea i wanted to be that monster. that BITCH you’ll hate. that chick you wanna erase. that cancer with no cure. i wanted my name to drip from your mouth like blood does from a slit wrist. i wanted to destroy.
now i can honestly say that i’m not looking nor will i look forward to someone coming my way. i don’t wanna sound like a regular chick talking about “men are dogs” and BS like that. now all i want is company. i don’t know about commitment. seems that when you show a dude that that’s what you want they get scared or something. so i’m showing nothing. heartless and free. bittersweet. i still wanna know what it’s like to be on the players side of the fence at the same time i’m scared of that side. cause once someone gets hurt like how i get hurt, it’s a wrap, that’s all they ever wanna do…is inflict pain. this point in time i know i don’t wanna deal with….whatever this is. i just want company. i want a different type of friend. someone where we can share the same feelings without the boyfriend/girlfriend label. i’m not into that label. with that comes talk of all towns and noisy people and such crap. i want the opposite sex….point blank. just to kick it with.
yea that’s it…just kicking it. :)
- Aubrey

Monday, August 9, 2010

Deuces Remix

all that nonsense is for her…cause i’m dippin out now ow ow ow. always finding out the worst. you a straight mess up. you’ll regret the day when i find another…who knows just want i need. and knows just what i mean when i tell him keep it drama free. find your feelings bro. i’m already throwing up the DEUCES. i told you that i’m leaving… stay mad, give a F**k, nahh ain’t no best of luck…me and the team throw those deuces up. ;)

He Sings: she on some new ish she chucked those deuces up to you. told you to move on to something new. no more calling her your boo. so she out she said BYE BYE! say bye bye to waste. next mans get a taste.

used to be running lines, i tell you “you were mine.” thought it was true love, but stupid men lie. it’s like i send my love with calls three time, came over cause i care, but i aint get a simple “hi” tryna see your brown eyes, but it’s like i’m plain blind. screw it let’s hit the clubs. i don’t sip. don’t pour me none. cause when it’s all said and done, don’t wanna show the world how much a hate you. i hate liars screw love i’m tired of trying. my heard huge, living in silence. i never felt that we ever vibin cause every time we alone it’s an awkward quiet. leave my heart on your kitchen counter, don’t want it back you already broke it. this is over, so don’t trip dude. it kills to have to let you go, but baby i can’t take it i’m out the door.

 He Sings: she on some new ish she chucked those deuces up to you. told you to move on to something new. no more calling her your boo. so she out she said BYE BYE! say bye bye to waste. next mans get a taste.

this new one always on some fly man ish. so he flips that middle finger, the index finger follow. to you. showing you ain’t got no future tomorrow. yea you a dick, to bad you ain’t to big to swallow. chicks running around complaining, thinking that you some other usher raymond. don’t care if it registered. don’t drip, when i’m gone, it will. man you full of drama like the white chicks on the hills. i finally noticed it, it fully hit me. like shit hitting the fans it finally hit me. got a new dude, and he ain’t you. he gives me sweet chills, something like de ja vu. all my attittude, you goin here about it, and all that ish he does for me, yeah you goin read about it. Aubrey rep west town. but i’m just throwing two up. chucking up the deuces now.

He Sings: she on some new ish she chucked those deuces up to you. told you to move on to something new. no more calling her your boo. so she out she said BYE BYE! say bye bye to waste. next mans get a taste.


i sat quietly enough and i heard the train go by and i wondered: will my life take off as that train does? will my dreams hit my reality like a head on collision?
when you sit in silence sometimes the troubles of the world don’t seem to matter when you’re in your own thoughts. 
- Aubrey

Words That Will Ring...

Would've came back for you ,
I just needed time, to do what I had to do
caught in the life, I cant let it go whether thats right I will never know,
hoping you will forgive me, never meant wrong,
tried to be patient, waited too long,
but I wouldve came back, but i wouldve came back,
wouldve came back, wouldve came back.
Wouldve came -
- Drake

Missing: Aubrey's Heart

it's about as big as a fist and it's faded purple-ish in colour. it's has a few tiny cracks and some rough patches but it's still a heart nonetheless. not really pretty to look at considering it looks like someone glued it back a couple times from dropping it. it also has tiny holes from missing pieces but you'd have to look at it very close up. other then that it smells like lavender with a hint of lemon.
return it to Aubrey.

- Management .

i wanna thank Management for taking the time out to put out the missing report
but here's the thing.
if you really do find that heart.
go to Egypt and throw it in the Nile.
i say that heart cause it's no longer mine. i dislike that heart because i put it through too much, it needs a better home cause if i take it back now, i'll live with it in vain. i won't listen to it...
broken mind + broken heart = destruction. i barely did right by you. some say you're the biggest lair so your cries fell on my deaf ears. so now i think it's safe to say that heartless is the way to go right now. at least if i get hurt after all this...won't feel that much pain where my heart should be...just numbness....

- Heartless Aubrey

P.S. this heartless thing is a permanent thing. 

Sunday, August 8, 2010

I'm Completely Messed Now.

i am officially destroyed.
now i wanna hurt
i wanna bring pain on to every and any boy that comes my way
you know why?
cause i'm broken now.
it's been too much, too late.
i've tried to be the honest, the faithful, the authentic girl that someone will need
but i'm too messed now
my mind is so freaking...MESSED. 
i just wanna slap a
i just wanna break a heart, i wanna make them fall and have no intention of catching them

it's guys like this that make girls like me become the ones that everyone hates.

- A.


i gave in. and i like it.

come visit.

- A

Saturday, August 7, 2010

What If...Right Now?

What if i kissed you right now?
would it come as a shock, would you turn away
or would you embrace me like we all embrace God gift of today?
what if i kissed you tomorrow
would you enjoy it? tell all the home boys: "yo me and her finally on it!"
hey what's if i kissed you next week

would it take your breath away so you couldn't speak?

what if? what if?
what if i held your hand, took a walk to the calm place and kicked up sand?
what if we laid in the sun, in silence just watching the clouds pass us by
or what if there was cotton on the ground and the nights got colder
we were chilling with a  group if friends and one said: "yo i think it's time for you to hold her"
they wouldn't have to say it twice cause you knew the time was right

i would wonder what if's forever
but just holding you down i feel would be better.

- A.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010


beginning to love me. 
there were times i wish i looked like someone better. God made me this way. he made me beautiful. he made me alive. he gave life. in this body i will begin to live...for him. from the tip of my split ends to the end of my toe nails i will take one day at a time to find love within God. i can't find that type of love anywhere else so why not look in the place i doubted couples times in my life. i felt what's it's like to have him there...i don't wanna lose it. i'll fight all this temptation and do right....just one day at a time.

- A.