Sunday, January 31, 2010

Clean Cut

since i can't talk to friends about shit, my blog is all i have left.

this is for you...a message:

i've had it. now you wanna do some shit like this. talk about shit that doesn't have anything to do with you. you're laughing, well i'm crying. crying some tears of anger cause you just won't leave me alone.

i don't get it. i finally don'y do my annoying shit and i'm the one still getting annoyed.....WHY DOES EVERY BAD HAVE TO GO DOWN MY ROAD?

whatever just know that if you do what i KNOW you will. my voice will never fall on your ears again....

- Aubrey

P.S. so swear word in sight. ;)

Friday, January 29, 2010

Blurb #7

forgive me for thinking the worse...actually throw forgive in the damn bag and tie it up, burn it and make a dog or some animal piss on the ashes. they always told me to speak up in any way when people wanna fuck me over so hear it is.

fuck you. straight. hear me when I SAY that i'm done talking my shit with you? why? BECAUSE YOU TAKE IT AND RUN WITH IT. it's not like i said anything WRONG anyway. i just like telling me SO CALL FAMILY how i feel, but what do THEY do? they could give TWO FLYING PIGS as to how i feel. they always say "yo jay, i got you, don't let another ever disrespect you or we'll have to handle the matters" i always say "nahh i can deal with it" FIRST OFF, if you DO NOT like the way i handle shit...FUCK YOU. if you don't like how things turn out for me and think i fucking screw up all the time, FUCK YOU TIMES 2. if you DO NOT like the fact that i DO NOT speak NOR elaborate on things. FUCK YOU TIMES YOUR FAMILY. i'm fed up and i had it up to mount everest with bullcrap. LEAVE ME THE FUCK A L O N E . you think i won't mature enough when i have to deal with shits like you, you're fucking dumb. I AM NOT YOU NOR WILL I EVER BE YOU. i like who i am and i don't fall under any category BUT MY OWN. in which only I CAN BE A PART OF. fuck you.

is this your way if "Caring" WELL YOUR CARING SUCKS ASS. I WANNA SCREAM.

fuck this i'm done.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Broken Talk.

what the hell can i do, when i try so hard to get rid of you?

i don't know what it's like to get off a drug or to be addicted to something, but i bet it's like scratching a chalk board. again i don't know. i wish that wasn't a part of the picture so we could just be. damn.

again this is all new to me.
i don't know, as always i'm forever broken so this is broken talk. blah blah.

off to fly.

- Aubrey

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Questions/This Is Me

aha! i just loved the fact that my mood can changed in an instant.

why the fuck am i nice to the worst people in my life?
why can't a focus in school?
why can't i focus at home?
why can't i focus on my friends?
why can't i love as hard at i want to?
why can't i trust?
why do i complain more then i ever did?
why is the beginning of this year so shit?
why am i lofter?
why do people intend on hurting me?
do i hurt others?
will life get any easier for me?

i have a shit load of questions, but i wouldn't wanna bore you. i'm changing. i'm wanting to do some crazy shit without a fucking care. i wanna live my life and fulfill my dreams. but whatever. do dreams even come true anymore? i feel like i'm the biggest failure ever. everything i touched gets messed up or some shit. in some cases only temporary. but either way....fuuucked up still.

i wanna be able to be free with everything.
turn my nothing into an actual something.
be able to not let shit from others to put its hold on me.
i wanna be able to be me.
i wanna dread my hair, pierce my lip.
take photography classes and belly dance. shake my hips.
i wanna be bold, crazy colours.
i wanna be open and shit my love to another.
i wanna make beautiful music with inspiration and passion.
i wanna buy some out of this world fashion.
i wanna turn heads, i wanna make minds bend.
i want to be a house hold name.
but i don't want all that comes with fame.
i want to hold his heart.
keep it safe.
keep everything out that pain made.
i want to talk everything out and in the open.
i want you to see that i'm actually showing.
this is me, this is who i am and what i do.
i'm hoping that i can be free that comes through.
i want weight.
i want body, i want sexiness, but not looking soggy.
damn i want cash, green, dough.
but cash isn't everything, trust me i know.
happiness makes life. i just gotta take one painful day at a time...

i want a lot of things, i want things i never had...

- Aubrey

Monday, January 25, 2010

It's Raining

& it's soothing
easing the fact that you're not laying next to me
and i'm not talking about like laying next to me for like a few hours.
i'm speaking of that sense of security you feel when you got the one you love right there.
knowing he's not out doing something that will make you cry, make you hate them, make you regret them. i'm talking big for a youngin but you know when you just wanna experience all the little things you hear grown ups long for in their relationships. you wanna have everything your parents NEVER had, and you wanna hold on to it. unconditionally. i can't remember the last time rain has inspired me to right like this. usually when it rains i'm in a depressing mood. i just came out of that mood too. then i realized the rain. do you know how much i just wanna hold you tight and just feel you. the softest touch. your warm smile, your soft eyes and gentle voice. there's honestly something you give that i feel was missing. i kinda feel like i have it now. there were so many times were i thought i could just live with what i have and fabricated it but it always ended up sour. but not this time. pure is what i feel. real is what i feel.

you're something worth wild, something i can wait on
i'm very impatient, so i always have a date on
i keep saying that your different and not what i'm used to....real in so many ways

but you seriously give me a reason to say it. i mean every word. 

i can write each and everyday about you and it will NEVER get old.

- JanelleAubrey

Sunday, January 24, 2010

What I Could Go For.

i could go for cozy time. a nice back rub and a the scent of apples (don't ask). some nice french vanilla and a cookie too. under some covers watching a movie, doesn't matter what movie. as long as it puts me to sleep next to that special someone i could care less honestly. wrapped up in his arms, making me feel safe and out of harms way. whispering in my ear letting me know things will be okay and ending it in soft kisses. we drift and forget about the world right now...just live in "us" and not "them". them as in everything.

this is what i could go for.

- Janelle



actually you know what, i'm not even going to bother writing what she did this time. she's not worth my stress, and i'm already in a pissy ass mood.

P.S. i miss him.


i got you. ;)

Doesn't Compare

he likes playing in my hair
makes everything seem fair
i tell him my hair ain't the cleanest, does he even care?
just spending time with him and thinking about the moments we share
doesn't compare to the ones that were there.

- Aubrey

Friday, January 22, 2010

Heart Cruise.

this is your caption Aubrey A. Major speaking with a few issues to address. okay there's a slight change in the sky tonight. instead of seeing the heart showers that was on the forecast for this evening, we're starting to see a clear pink sky. the atmosphere is sending out a message of positivity and a hint of happiness. do we all smell hope? enjoy it while you can passengers cause this can change in an instant...

in other news ladies and gentlemen, feelings have been bouncing around and we got some complaints about some broken windows and doors due to this event. we have no control over the weather of the heart, we apologize on the hearts behalf. there will be a maintenance crew member coming around to fix up what has been broken. thank you for your patience at this time.

at this time now we would like to say welcome a-board the Heart Cruise. where old love is found and new love blooms beautifully. take a look at the sky people, i can feel it coming in the air tonight. have yourself a wonderful cruise and any questions, comment or concerns please direct them to the Heart Cruise front desk or to me, Aubrey. we'll be happy to help.

- Aubrey

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Moving On?

What Do You Think?

- Aubrey

Under The Influence.

light it and look up.
it's dark, i see the stars.
i begin to see me hoping from star to star to find the deams that i have lost
i passed by the stipud ones, the ones that actually made sense. the ones i held on for the longest time
and the ones that true friends have inspirited. i'm starting to feel that my dreams aren't in arms reach like they use to be.

oh well...

it's sad too that when i'm flying, that's when everything feels right. when i'm intoxicated my world is what i wanted to be. as soon as you come down from flying or can see clearly, all the problems that you thought were gone come back, and even stronger. but it's soothing for the time being...

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Blah # 2

i feel it's turning into something i feared. we do just that. i don't wanna do just that. i wanna do more. but then again i'm trying to find out how to do more. i mean shit like this should come so easy with me cause i'm like the number one expert on this shit. now i'm the one having trouble? i'm thinking EVERYTHING over and you and i really don't need this right now. since the fact home/school life is also on the list of things that make up the issues in our lives.

i feel for you. i care for you. i'm sure you know that right? i mean i write about it all the time. (even stuff you haven't seen) it's just so....blah. i'm having the biggest brain fart. over what? I really don't know.

i can't even fully express myself right now...i'm in need of a blunt...or something...

Facebook Things.

In the "About Me" section on facebook is where this is located.
I feel like changing it cause it's a new year first off, and things have kinda changed.
well who knows. it's open for whatever. i'm just on permanent thinking mode right now....

Things change, people change. different people come in and out my life but the ones that stay, make me better. i forgive the ones that do/did me wrong because it's not your fault you picked up other people's dirty habits. God still loves you. *laughs*

i'm expressing my mind more, hanging out with who i want, whenever i want. doing what i feel is right. i'm in control FINALLY and i love it. more then you can understand. my heart is more pure, i'm writing almost everyday. i'm in tune with my emotions and spirit. i finally know me. everything about me. again i'm loving it. stress is not an issue anymore. it's a thing of the past. it's like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

i'm love, i'm hate, i'm a gift, i'm fate. can you relate?


That was then, and this is now. one person threw my whole...everything out of sync cause i was so focused on them. i always say that from the jump that my heart was never whole, and i don't see it getting that way anytime soon cause dudes always find a way to make me think things that they fabricate. shows me they don't care which makes me have the biggest trust issues and letting people inside my being. it's funny cause some promise not to, some say they'd be there always and such but when a certain situation comes up, you're either the last to know or they're no where in site. i told a few that they have it easy with me, they take advantage on that. i don't blame them. who told me to be easy? who told me to be nice? aha! sorry, i didn't mean to be different, sorry that i dare to me something not of the normal thing. it's not me and i will NEVER follow that kind of crowd. i get easily bored. aha! but enough about that...

i need to start being my best friend and do shit for me finally. i realized that as times get older and people get more stupid and disgusting with there damn habits, that as soon as you do something nice for someone, they consider it a weakness. being shy won't get you anywhere. the more outgoing, the B E T T E R ! take orders from the highest powers, moms and God. live life they way you want it and never trust a soul. reputation? what is that? i don't think i had one of those. i could care less about what society thinks about little ol' me. :)

i just love me. thanks for opening my eyes world. :)

Something I Picked Up.

The more we are filled with thoughts of lust the less we find true love.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Can I Kick It?

so me how you feel about me in different ways. express your passion with your emotion. i can EASILY pick up when someone gets deep so by you doing it won't be a problem. i want for you to show me things that i never felt before...but i want it in more then one way. i want it in all ways. i'm open to do that with you. i want to have a different level of intimacy with you. you're not like any one who's ever crossed my path. i think and i think and i think then i realize that i haven't felt this way in a very long time. but back then this feeling was just a baby. i feel it has matured into something that can realize real and doesn't want to get fucked over like past idiots have done. i see something in you i never seen. i like what i see cause it's unique and rare. i just want us to be able to have something special without always having to show physical. i mean there's absolutely nothing wrong with that...but at the same time it gets old you know? i want this time around to actually have such an impact on me that i want to say later on that i was happy, that it was enjoyable & that i loved every second.

i like sitting back and letting the cloud forum before me. feeling the nice cool summer breeze with his hand in mine just laying there, just watching the world go by. trust me it's pretty cool.

so tell me...

can i kick it?

Monday, January 18, 2010

Blurb #7

i was so happy in school today that thinking back on it now, is kinda making me sick. but in a good way. even a couple people booked it. aha! it was a cool day i guess you can say.

there's something i REALLY want to address but i'm not even going to, cause on some serious shit, i just know who has me like they say they have me and who doesn't. it's funny too. when someone says they have you, then they slip up in the biggest way then you wonder: "after all the shit they almost got in trouble for and you got in trouble for whatever they did, and you just turn the blind eye EVERY DAMN TIME" ahh well, life a beach, it's either a good one or a shit one. like i've been forever saying "people do not know how easy they have it with me, i'm not like other cold hearted, hard ass people out here."

*shakes head*

on a side note, i was talking to my true other half this morning on the tele and the conversation made me realize something. the reason why people don't do a lot of things is cause they don't wanna risk being judged. they don't want people looking down on them cause it's not what "people" are use to. for example: when a chick gives brains. to be honest i really do not see the BIG issue about it. i mean if you don't like the idea about it...just say so. i dislike when chicks say "eww, i'll never give brains, it's so nasty" at the same time turn around and say "i'll let a dude eat me out any day" uhmm, how do you think the DUDE feels if he has to go down but then you ain't returning the favor? or what if just goes down willingly just cause he wants to please you? i don't know, just something i thought about today. i just think some people should be more liberated, then i think society won't make the littlest things something so big when it really isn't.

i guess that's all i have to say for now...time to dance. :)


just cause. *wink wink*

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Word Of Advice.


i'm suppose to be doing laundry, but my mom is fast asleep. :|
i don't normally blog as soon as i get up but, i'm mixed right now.

i'm not hungry but my stomach is saying otherwise...
my hair is more then dirty and i have a bad case of morning breathe. lovely. my iTunes is playing "Beautiful U R" by Deborah Cox. that song is life for real. anywho.
i woke up thinking that today is going to be blah. that's not what i wanted to think, but something kinda came over me...empty thought. i didn't even say my regular "good morning" like i usually do. i just got up with headphones in my ears with Chris Brown's "I'll Go" playing softly in my ears. i get up, walk past my moms room with the words "you're not going anywhere today.." i ask "and why is that?" she rolls over and goes back to sleep. i'm left standing there saying to myself "so much for my actual plans today..."

i go to the bathroom, not even brushing my teeth while i'm in there. all i do is wash my face and look at my fingernails. they're dirty from scratching my hair all night. i seriously NEED to wash it. not only that i look at my face which is breaking out due to the fact my hair is dirty. :| "shit happens" i say out loud. my mom hears me and screams my name. reason why she did that? cause i said SHIT. if i ever say a "bad word" she bawls out my name. whatever. it's just a F U C K I N G word. doesn't make me a bad person just cause i swear. i take a quick pee then walk stand outside the bathroom thinking what to do next. so i sit by my computer desk and go through what just happened. from rolling out of bed to walking to the computer desk. i thought again, today is going to be blah. then it hit me. my computer isn't the way i left it... my keyboard is slanted and my mouse is further up then usual... hmmm... i brush it off. could be nothing

i'm thinking what should i eat, should i get up and brush my teeth, should i take a shower one time, do my laundry? not only this, my msn is open. i'm waiting for "listener" to come online so i can tell him the bad news. i dislike flopping on people, especially people that i look forward to seeing that day. all cause my mom is so old school and cares too much what people think. so happy i'm new school and could care less what people think of say about me. they don't know me. :)

anyways i think i'm done here...

Blurb #6

okay so there's this guy...

i'm trying to find the words to say about him. he's just...not what i'm used to. i don't think i ever met someone so mature either. almost everyone that knows him that i know also, think he's older or something. i like that.

okay so there's these people in my life. i consider them my own...we say we're cousins. Almia and Christianna. i see them more then i see anyone else. they know me. seriously know me. they're close family friends which is why i consider them what i consider them. i was talking to them just a couple minutes ago on video chat. i was just spillin out everything, which was pretty much nothing. just random thoughts. like how one friend is acting, how i feel about this dude, comparing the two (there was really no competition, one took the cake.) they always used to say they never really thought the loser was a good choice. i always take their word cause every time they say something about someone it usually comes true. they were never wrong about anything yet. they know when someone is going to go sour with me sometimes before i know it. anywhooo.

"i think the one now is a good one....he's a sweetie." "seems like i cares, you haven't had that in a while. someone that actually gives a shit" "there are some things that could be worked out but you guys can kick it" etc. 
glad that i have friends like them.

this feeling that i'm experiencing and embracing
is making feel like i'm forever racing
it's finally coming together that i have to make a move
take many chances and flow with the groove
keep it positive and know myself. 
take whatever from my friends, cause i know their here to help
he's here too. from now i'll keep him close.
cause there's something that i have with him that i don't most...

he's caring and always listening
he keeps my inside singing
any song that plays now
got me thinking of him somehow

you know what i hate doing? trying to describe something or someone that's beyond my words.

you get my point...

P.S. i need to e x p a n d my vocabulary...

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Blurb #5

"you can have it all, anything you want you can make it yours..."

song lyrics that just got stuck in my head, but it's not exactly what i'm focused on... i really don't know anymore. i would like to say that I know what's going on with me right now entirety, but i can't. i'm frazzled again. i would be lying if i said i wasn't worried about a friendship right now..but why be worried?

Raw Time.

why the fuck should i be the one to always make the first move...again? why the hell should i be the first? i'm sorry, you have the same ability as i to come up and say hi? so what if shit's awkward? make the effort bitch! we're what YOU call "more then just best friends" so what the fuck you be doing homie? here's the deal with me. if you have a screw face on all the time, i could only come up to you like maybe about three times before i get the fucking message that you don't wanna talk. you never fucking do anyways. you can say that i'm fucking tired of this. i'm also tired of YOU making it seem to ME that I'M  the fucking one with the PROBLEM. making it seem like i'm the one ignoring you. this is what i dislike about PEOPLE in general. SOME CANNOT ACCEPT CHANGE. they expect EVERY LITTLE DAMN THING to stay the fucking same, unless their the ones making the change. it's like people around can't make the change unless they wanted to. oh well.

another thing.

i realize something when i had a conversation with someone when i thought they were honestly the one...that was way back anyways. it hit me that he wasn't. i feel he doesn't want to be the one cause he can't handle it. he can't handle the fact that i'm deep when it comes to important shit and he's shallow as a kiddy pool. the fact that i'm ready to open up with my feelings at the drop if a dime and the whole world will have to crumble and fall before i could get a complete sentence out of him. we're just too different when it comes to dealing and handling emotion, we both like to bottle up but only one is willing to pour the glass and share.

Blurb #6 on the way....

Friday, January 15, 2010

My Proposal/Goals

a little something i had to write in class. a reason as to why my teacher should give me an extention on my cumlminating activity. i didn't think i deserved it so i wrote what i felt. there's also a little say on some goals i set for myself in September that i had to reflect on. this is what i came up with...

My Proposal/Goals

To be really honest, I don’t think that I should get any type of extension on my culminating activity. It doesn’t seem like I deserve one. With all the lying, skipping and having this “I don’t care” mentally, I’m just setting myself up for failure. These days it feels like I’ve been just that, a failure. My marks are poor; my attendance is more then horrible. There’s really nothing I could do to fix that, especially for this semester. It’s my fault that I haven’t been focused. I get easily distracted and it’s not only school life I’m dealing with, home life is another thing too. Home life is messed up cause of school life. School life is messed up cause of home life and I get a grasp of both. I try to fix things with my mom, and it was going well too, until I started skipping and coming home late. Now she’s mad at me all over again, and because of that I can’t focus in school. When I have homework at home and I try to do it, I can’t stay focused. I can’t concentrate on it. All I can think about is how I’m going to fix things with my mom

This isn’t the only class where the culminating activity is late. English too. But it’s due today and I haven’t even started that. She gave me an extension. I don’t know why. She said that she didn’t have to. But she said she wanted to see me get this credit at least. Again it doesn’t seem like I deserve extra time. I mean other students can get it done so why can’t I? I’m just not on track right now and all confused about some things so I’ll hand in whatever I have. Which is pretty much nothing.

My main goal was to get my math credit. But by the looks of it, it doesn’t seem like I’m getting it. I’ve been skipping that class regularly. The reason why I’ve been skipping is because I thought that since I won’t be getting the credit, what’s the point of going? I never did my homework for that class which was also a goal too. I didn’t ask for help. I didn’t study. I also didn’t try and stay awake for that class either. That was a goal I had and wasn’t successful in. I need to improve on my attendance, not fall asleep, not skip and do my homework. Ask for help when needed also. By doing these will help me become not only a better person, but by becoming a better student.

Special? Really?

*Note To Reader: ♥

it's different this time around. i like what i got and i wanna keep it as long as i can. it's not like i'm focused on anyone else cause whoever i was on is a ? now. they're on their own shit. i have a feeling they'll re-appear when things get...heavy. i don't know i don't have the right words right now. then again i do, and i don't know if i could use then in such content.


i'm happy. it's weird being happy now, cause it's like...i haven't been here before.  it's been so long since i been here. happy i mean. aha! it feels good too. basically it's like having something for a while, then you don't have it. when it comes back it's like a new feeling cause it hasn't been there for a while. hope that makes sense. i'm trying to think of a song to fit this...feeling. and i'm good at putting a song with my feelings. ill think of one. maybe "I Love U" by Chris Brown. maybe. the words fit pretty good.


i wanna be the star that he looks at when it's night time. i hope that i give him a feeling. any good feeling. a feeling you get when you really like someone (i sound like i'm in grade 7 or something...) something undescribe-able but it makes the perfect sense. i don't know. this is a super new feeling and i really don't want it to just pop right out my life right now. but then again, i'm not going to hold to tightly on it...

that's how you lose things...

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Blurb #4

in my mind it's like this
i wanna feel you on my fingertips

stare at me. see me. begin to take your time with me. take off my clothes, take off your clothes. i run my cold fingers up and down your chest while i'm kissing you passionately and without a care in the world. i wanna feel you twitch when i'm doing this. i wanna embrace your body heat and take in your scent. i wanna leave little bite marks on your smooth caramel skin. scratches on your back. steam. i wanna feel you inside me. i wanna love it. i wanna enjoy it. i wouldn't want it to stop. i wanna know you. physically, mentally, emotionally, sexually. i wanna be your desire. i want to shake from the feeling. i want you to drive my body crazy. i want you. be my teacher. i'll be the student. learning new things, and willing to work for extra credit. i wanna taste you. run your fingers through my crazy hair. just be up in my middle. amaze me. thrill me. craving each other. just loving in....

guess you can see where i went with this. H'd as you can OBVIOUSLY tell. sigh...then again i think i might run from what i've been thinking about since last year. i'm not the type to follow peers and pressure...i do my own thing when i want, but this is a big thing you know? anywhooo.

i guess you can say my family knows best, they're always telling me they think i'm ready or whatever. but aren't i suppose to know that. they ask me things like "how often do you think about it?" do you have movies going on in your head about doing it?" can you see yourself doing it when someone?" i always answer them honestly. "i think about it everyday" "yeah i do have little movies or whatever" "yeah i see myself fucking someone in my head" BLAH BLAH! BUT, what i'm saying is what if it actually came down to me and a dude in a room and we were gonna do it...would i feel a way after? will i panic? hmmm..... there were times where it got to that point, but they were never prepared. no rubber. then i thought about it and quick time i'm like...nope, forget it.

now though...aha! i think i won't be as "up-tight"
going with the flow seems like a plan.

"will it be meaningful?"

i hope so...

Sunday, January 10, 2010

If I Had My Way... parents wouldn't be living in sin and we'd be one happy family. i have twin sisters. we'd live in a house with a dog and a bunny. i'd have the biggest room. i'd throw the biggest parties. i'd have the realest friends, my mom would be my best friend and my dad would be my body guard. i'd be a straight A student and a role model for my sisters. i'd have my very own camera taking pictures for a living. at this age yes! i'd be a better singer then i am now, and could write a song with ease. i'd never cry unless i was happy. i would ignore the negative and reject the fake. i would he extremely happy. i'd me 10 pounds heavier.

i'd have a male best friend who always listened, never lied and always kept it 100 with me. who's tell me his hopes and dreams and i'd do the same. someone who i can relate to on any and every level. someone you laughs at my corny jokes. someone who has my back. someone who has my life. someone who will never let me get sad or upset and even if i did, knows how to calm me down or make me smile. someone my mom and dad and sisters would adore. the love of my life.

i'd have only three close friends. people that can hold my secrets like they hold their own. i'd do the same. my girlies would give me girly advice and facials. actually no. i'd have guy friends. maybe one girl friend. but guys. they know more. ACTUALLY, i'd have a balance, one guy, one girl. guy to tell me how guys really think and the girl to show me how girls act..put the two together and out smart a dude that tries to holla! ;)

if i had my way i'd be at peace at myself. i wouldn't know what sadness, anger, pain was. or rarely know. i would know how to love better. better as in give it my all instead of hide some pieces. my heart would be whole and full of life. i wouldn't believe the lies that had been told. i would pretty much have a perfect life. only if i had my way.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

I Need An Escape...

i need to go
to a place where no one knows
i need to be set free
from myself and put my temple at ease
somethings not right, and i can't live with this wrong
it's sad though...cause i knew all along
and never did a damn thing about the situation
it was a constant irritation.
the fake smiles are becoming noticeable
my mind is becoming un-focusable
now i'm getting body aches
my heart is over-raced.
i'm cold.

i need an escape...

Okay Mom

All Things Must Come To An End Right...So What Are You Waiting For? Pull The Trigger...I Dare You...   

since you want it to end soooo as in me...i'm not willing to live anways...

on some real shit...

i think i'll make a phone call...tonight....

Comfort Zone

sleep time?
Best time?
Or not?
Dreaming negative dreams.
Seems like a lot.
Scared for days....
but to my bed,
where I shall lay
Hope I wake up the next day!
Is it time 2 give up?
Is it time to move on?
Its sad 2 know
the thrill is gone…


Why does it feel as if I'm the only one moving slow as the world passes me by?
And as they rush, the people say hi
In a way that seems so airbrushed and not sincere
Nothing on my mind is coming clear
It's like my thoughts are a racing car and I can't get a grip of the wheel
Like my heart was cut open and has no way to heal
Can't find no one to understand how I feel
My secrets are now like jewels and thieves have no way to steal
Everything's moving at such a fast pace
& shit's happening, I have no sense of trace
Seems like the only answer is to keep everything to myself
Since I can't even find one person to help
I'm more then confused, alone and unknown
but I'm trying not to let my feeling show
But I guess this is how a teenager goes right?
Learning from there mistakes, making smart choices
what if that's all people are looking for?
These things called mistakes?
Watching my every move, waiting to call out all the mistakes I make
Even your friends are quick to judge
Telling you do things, and you know you don't want to budge
It's hard living in a world that always quick to get over-whelming
& having people you love the most to just start pretending
I'm tired to wishing, I'm sick of hoping
Cause all it does is leave me moping
It feels like I have so much to do, so many people to please
When I can't even put my mind at ease

I Guess this sums up how I’m feeling for right now
But there's more shit bound to come...I just don't know how....?

Written Last Year...

I Need A Hug.


Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Biggest Freak Out Ever!

no rhyming like i wanted to right now, they bare, straight, raw it whatever....i'm tooo...urgh

i'm crying cause i want to....i'm shaking cause i can't control...i'm screaming and my mom is freakin...but i don't care...i been holding it whatever this fucking shit is for the longest while again... i don't care. i closed my msn, closed facebook, but my twitter is still open, not like it matters.

ever had something come over you and you just can't describe? it just came right over your every thoughts, every emotion, every sound, every blink...YOUR EVERYTHING? i felt this one time....when my ex boyfriend gave me the hardest slap in the was something shocking cause i never expected it...and only told like 3 people about it...but not the crazy friends that would jump him in an alley, no not those friends....and it's not like any of those friends read my post anyways....they think i'm too soft and spit my feeling too much....well fuck y'all...sue me for being in touch with myself..aha!

it sucks. this so sucks....this whole "what is love" SHIT. what the fuck is love? tell it something that changes lives? is it worth killing bitches for. do you cry over it...what's so "worth your wild" about love...?
i'm questioning this because i second guess everyone who's ever told me they loved love suppose to hurt? is it suppose to cause pain? i thought i was in love once...till he slapped this day it still haunts me...they look in his eye...the peachy-red colour on his face...the strength in his hand when it came down. the grip he had on me, the way me made me cry, they way me made me feel, the anger and PAIN! the rage that flared inside me when i came right back up and busted his lip....i made a promise on this blog stop of mine somewhere

"if a man EVER put his hands on me again, i would kill him....point blank"

it went something like that.

almost everyone that has said those fucked up words to me as either abused my body, my heart, my mind and my once's dead now...

"If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?

i'm just a kid they say, so i don't know much...why the hell do these so called "grown ups" talk that ish? i don't get it...they think they know what's going on inside our heads when they do BUP-KISS! (whoever you spell it, i just DON'T CARE RIGHT NOW)

i didn't have a break down, but i was sooo close. i'm like soo done with everything...i try to seek this so called "love" then i stopped..then i waited a couple years for it to come to me...nothing...then i started doing both, waiting and looking...STILL AIN'T GOT SHIT.
i wanna say fuck love and everything is represents cause it had and still has no interests in me...i got so much to give and people just can't see that, i don't know how much more i gotta put out in order to be seen. i share my feelings more, i'm more easy to come at, i'm always willing and down for whatever...i can live with a lot of things that people have and go through also what they have to deal with, i'm far from shallow, i'm the most passionate person i know, i don't know what heartless means...i think till now.. i've had my heart ripped out from inside me, placed in a pressure cooker and had it sit there till there was nothing left. i've been repeatedly been kicked when i was down, and still get that. i've been treated like grime. worse then that. i don't feel love through family, or most my friends. i've hated life since i was 13. before wasn't great, it was bearable at times...i disliked it...NOW I HATE IT WITH A PASSION! all i ever asked santa for was for him to bring me my own love in a matter what the size...that fat fucker never even came. (note i was like 9 at the time when i begged) never believed in the fat bitch since. fuck him. straight.

there's a lot of things i lost hope in all cause of this fucking WORD! i hate this word.

but sadly i need this word.

Monday, January 4, 2010

Blurb #3

woow, two blubs in one day...aha!


URGH! it's funny when you think you can fight against what you feel, till your feelings tell you who's boss.
you're in the moment, just thinking that "heyy, it's only for right now, what harm will come..." till you get by yourself and you re-think what you just did..."you're starting to feel like this aren't you dear?" that's what i hear in my head. it was soo good, but it's like "Janelle, what the fuck are you doing? fucking fool. don't make me come out there..."

you know what's the funny part...most of the time, i thought about him...
i was thinking about how we kicked it off and what we did, he would never do...he's focused on beat beat beat. when all i want is for our hearts to meet, meet, meet. i want mine to connect with his...and to be honest not even in that way, at least not for right now....i see what others don't...they see what he made himself out to be...but now i see his true being i guess you can say...but i don't want it...not right now...

i'm thinking about him constantly, instead of thinking of my right now...those thoughts are replaced with things of you... shoot me...

one word: T O R N !

- Janelle

Blurb #2

note to the reader: instead of calling these "Mind Set" like i used to, i'm calling them blurb. makes more sense to me...

it's so weird that i feel this way. i'm torn. one minute he's on my mind, the next it's the other one. stuck between the old and the new. i want something different though. but which one? i feel un-wanted by both. i don't know why, but then again i do know why... they both don't want to be "tied down"....i think. i know one does but the other is so hard to read in that area. at the same time, i barely know how they feel. at least one anyways. the old on constantly tells me he wants me, he loves me, calls me his girl...BLAAAAAH! but i barely talk to the new...and it's killing me. sometimes i have the tele in my hand ready to dial his number...but i could never bring myself to do it. why? no idea. it's so easy to talk to him though...

sigh. they'll both always be there, they gave me their word. and i did the's difficult when at first you heart and thoughts were saying the same thing...but now they're saying two different things and my soul becomes frazzled. key word: confusion...i dislike that word.

hope they start to sing the same tune soon....
i'm being eaten alive...inside.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Just Thinking About...

...the way you used to write.
it was kinda spiritual
it was like taking flight.
i always used to think "i wonder who's he's really talking about"
then it hit me, it wasn't me...then after i always thought it out

could i ever make you feel the way she did?
i hated comparing myself but it's a feeling i have to get rid
the way she made you smile, do i have that power?
would you ever bathe with me in the shower?
ever think to care what was actually going on in my mind?
would you ever lay around with me just to pass time?
when it truly comes down to you i got shit loads of questions,
but sometimes i feel it's better off guessing.

you use to say you always wanted to be open, there was one time you even felt ready
i braced myself and got to know you steady
not your inside fully, but more of your character
sometime it killed me, but my body on a stretcher

i figured that everything happens for a reason and some good will come out all of this.
maybe there's a time for me to feel some sweet bliss...?
who knows. i sometimes think that maybe i can find that in you
but first you gotta figure out some shit, you gotta know what to do...

- Janelle


kso i was on my heavy thinking ride earlier today when a friend said to me: "please read my note on facebook...comment too." usually i don't read when people ask cause it's annoying...but since i was on a "blah" mood i decided to do what i like, read.

he was talking about what love is to him and others, how some dudes treat women like trash and how they should really be treated. it was kinda a eye a refreshed one. kinda took it what he said, then compared it to myself and situations i been in. i commented on it. i said:

if only there were more dudes like you. i feel you on this. i wonder pretty much what you address here today all the time.

most dudes have that mentality that falling on love is for "sucka's" or something whack. which is why girls always think they're immature. always thinking about sex and shit like that. sickens me sometimes. but anways.

this inspired me to write something...

keep stuff like this coming, gives me a reason to actually read notes on facebook. ;)

i decided to get some feelings out here. i been in a couple relationship in my day. (talking like my day is old...not) and i been through a lot, you name it, i can bet i been there. the biggest one was cheating. dudes feel when they have all the ladies up, it's a way of earning strips with other dudes. "yeah i got this bitch up" OR "yeah, her and her sister dawg, all up on me" etc. i mean i don't get why they must act this way...i'm not saying all of them are though, don't get me wrong. they just play around and all that "Good Shit" which i sometimes don't understand. funny thing too is when they get bagged...

i was coming home from school, but something told me to go check my sweetie at the time. he said he wasn't going to school today cause he wasn't feeling like himself...something he ate last night. being the corny fucker that i am...bought him a tea and bagel with butter like he likes from Timmy's...didn't call to say i was coming or nothing...just surprise him, he might like that. there was always this look in his eye whenever he saw me. made me feel special you know? anywhoo. he always left a spare key in some box and no one ever looks in outside is apartment. so i scooped it and opened the door. it was quiet, the T.V. was on too. he always watched T.V. when he was extremely bored. walked in the apartment a little more out the hallway. i saw shoes on the living room floor that i know his mom wouldn't rock. they where nike high tops, pink and blue. i was peepin them when i went to the mall the other day. they were fly. like someone my age would wear. i know his dukes wouldn't and his sister wasn't into nike's. she was a puma head. so i ignored the shoes for a sec...then i put the food down on the center table next to the t.v. along with the key. i heard voices from the bathroom. my heart kinda dropped for a moment. i froze...i heard a deep voice, he's voice. then i heard a girly giggle...

you'd think i's storm in and cuss like a wild black girl but i kept my cool. to be honest the only reason why i kept my cool was because i was so used to dudes cheating that it didn't really phase me that much.

so i picked up the timmy bag with the bagel in it and began to eat it... sighed for a bit, then the giggles continued. then i heard him say "i love you" she replies "what about your girl" that's when i decided to make a move. i walked over to the bathroom door and he says "what girl?" i open the bathroom door and say "this one...oh wait, as of today that can all change" he laughs and she's staring as if she saw the biggest ghost EVER. i said to her "heyy, i know you. you play ball a lie?" then i turn to him "you did always like the baller types." then i asked "someone give you a joke sweetie?" he goes "it's not what it looks like" i was like "hmmm, lemme see. chick half naked sitting on top the sink with you in between her legs? what should it seem like?" he didn't respond. i was like "well i guess i'll take my tea to go...y'all have fun now.." he says "i'm sorry" i was like "shove your sorry up her pussy...fucking dick head"

walked out.

i almost caught all the cheating ones on situations like this...most of the times i never said shit...just found them doing something dumb...cried like a bitch and ran out the house like you see in movies...all in all this is the one where i actually took it for what it was and said my piece and left. felt kinda nice making him feel like a dumb ass. but at the same time it did hurt a little...but i kinda was expecting it.

i guess what i'm trying to say is that it's hard to find someone who wants to be committed, then have them stay committed, this goes for both sexes. not only guys cheat, girls do too. but whatever.

be as faithful as your partner, if you give him or her more then they're giving your...something ain't right...

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Your Heart Craves Love

so i took a facebook quiz called "what are the keys to your heart?" i got "your heart craves love

Results are in:

You are attracted to those who have a split personality - cold as ice on the outside but hot as fire in the heart. In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored. You'd like to your lover to think you are flexible and ready for anything! You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic. Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with. Your risk of cheating is low. Even if you're tempted, you'd try hard not to do it. You think of marriage pessimistically. You don't think happy marriages exist anymore. In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

i kinda agree. i think... :)

Those Days

thinking to myself, "damn this is crazy"
tears filling my eyes...i miss my baby
checking the phone, you called maybe?
the way things went down, one word: shady

"I Remember Feeling Like This..."