Blurb #10

first off lemme just say that i wasn't expecting to wake this early considering the fact that i slept in the cold living room on my couch. turning up the heat was a no no since people in this small apartment don't like when the heat is on, not even in MY room. whatever.
second i woke to words, "i don't care anymore she's 18, she feels she a woman, so let her gwan. she has no job and if  she keeps it up it's seriously me alone in here.." "wanna follow friends that aren't going anywhere in life and when they finnaly get where there going they will leave her behind, they could care less about her..." "i still have my job, even though it's hard i'm the one getting paid. so she could just do what she wants, i'm fed up of this shit."

good ol' sunday morning.

reasons why i do not call my mother anymore and tell her where i am and if i'm coming late:

when i USED to call, the call went something like this...

Mom: hello?
Me: mom?
Mom: (Pause)....what?!
Me: uhmm i'm at (so and so) and i'm coming home at (blah blah) if i'm not home at that time i will call you and saying i'm coming late cause i'm doing something for (either school or for a friend)
Mom: did you ask me if you could do that?
Me: uhmm no, but it was an afterschool thing, at least i called right?
Mom: (yelling so loud i can't pick up what she's saying)
Me: (moving the phone away from my ears and looking at the people around me cause they're staring and me and laughing cause i'm getting yelled at...even though i'm doing the right thing here....)

Mom stopped yelling and chill please? i'm off now...call you back if anything
Mom: (hung up 10 seconds ago busy signal already playing in my ear)

hence why i stopped calling, cause it always ended up like that and anytime i told her that when i do call she has a fit, she wants to play "no i don't." tell me people WHAT THE HECK WAS ALL THAT YELLING AND CUSSING FOR? FOR SHOW? OVER THE TELE? W T F?

so basically now i'm screwed more then ever, no money, job, bus fare, AND I HAVE LAUNDRY TO DO RIGHT NOW. wtf am i going to do? she hasn't said two words to me since freggin friday.

i swear living with my dad sounds more then cool right now. seriously....

You're The Past For A R E A S O N!

just know that you could never take away my truth.

you're are some old news like the carnivals kissing booth.

stop showing up, stop beggin back

now you're realizing i'm what you lack?

quit it when this baby please and i love you like clouds love the clear blue sky

it's funny cause when i called you up to chat "not now baby i'm getting mad high"

it's better to puff smoke then think about your "babygirl"

i understand you're chillin with your boys, but i was your so called world

come on home-boy we both have lives to live

stop coming to me with this "i miss you" shit.

"you make peace come easy." talking all this mess

anytime i got mad you always said "don't you know i got you the best?"

NO!

my "best" would never do the things you did

god forbid

you

to

ever

come

into

my

life

and

cause

the

pain

you

did.

you're the one i blame.

to be honest, you're a damn shame.

you may the most beautiful man

but deep down you're a little damaged boy.

i was well over you from the day in the staircase

forgot about you and everything else, gone without a trace.

you have lost the cookies and the milk went stale

you just another bad relationship but you love to tell tall tales.

P.S. i know about the bum in the oven sweetie. aha! sooo lame.

hope you kid will never go ashamed

of someone who fucked up early, you had so much going for you path.

just do the math...

- Aubrey

I'm Fine

so i woke up this morning. FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER I DIDN'T SAY GOOD MORNING TO THE WORLD.
i said your name. then it hit me

i'm okay
i'm not sad, i'm not sobbing. nothing

i'm okay with the choice. wooow. i know right?
i thought it would bother me and make me somewhat crazy but, it's not even like that.
i'm fine.
and chill.
i have that much respect for you and every decision you pick i should support.

isn't that what friends do?
lmaoo!


you're chill. i'm chill. :)

- Janelle

Let Go

the thoughts that are never revealed
never dugg up. never re-written
always put a side, locked up and sealed.
i was the type to sit around, stay mad at the world. and linger on what happened
till it dawned on me life is fast and
we can't just live in the past
yes times forever get harder and harder
but that's how we stay stronger and stronger

we must learn to let go...
let go of what happened to us back then
we have plenty of time to start over again
fresh start
just open your heart.
and let it go

no matter how hurt you are, you must learn to over-come.
never forget where you're going and never forget what made you and where you came from.

- Janelle

Help Wanted!

A person who's able to fix the most difficult.
This job requires a lot of pick & sort.
someone with soft hands and who also has a delicate touch.
you have to have extreme patience, don't be quick to put up a big fuss
this job requires a lot of time and effort.
once you start, you cannot abort.
by doing that, it may cause more damage to this "project."
you gotta be amazing at setting the moods and excellent at re-rooting
i hope this won't be a problem, but you gotta find enough time
every free hour, minute, second is mine now
you don't have to be addicted, just committed


do you know what you're fixing?

- Aubrey.

Broken Dancer

I mean look at her,
the way the movement flows with the soft tone music.
you can tell she's letting it all show.
the passion filled with pain,
she just wants to feel happiness again.
she's longing for some true inspiration.
the great sensation.
tears fill her eyes with frustration.
she's sad.
you try to ask her why but, she continues to dance.
i guess it was just that bad...
she chants


"I wanna see the the light & i'm talking about the moon and the stars. the world revolves around my heart. traveling at the speed of sand, i just think about spending my life with you. you are my dream come true."


In shaggy white attire, she dances and chants these bitter sweet words.
hoping her feelings can become heard.
praying her beautiful movements are seen
no mistakes, it all has to be sharp and clean.
coming from a broken home, it's hard to find love.
she had it in her mitts and didn't want to give it up.
she dances in hopes that he comes back.


he hold something she lacks...


Written Sept. 2009.


- Aubrey

Short & Sweet

now i'm at the fight point.
punching so hard i can feel it deep in my joints.
blood shot eyes & bloody hands.
this is where my life stands.

I'm Sorry

for the past, the present, and the future.

i'm crazy k?

Against All Odds

How can I just let you walk away, just let you leave without a trace

When I stand here taking every breath with you, ooh

You're the only one who really knew me at all

How can you just walk away from me, when all I can do is watch you leave

Cos we've shared the laughter and the pain, and even shared the tears

You're the only one who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now, 'cos there's just an empty space

And there's nothing left here to remind me, just the memory of your face

Take a look at me now, 'cos there's just an empty space

And you coming back to me is against all odds and that's what I've got to face

I wish I could just make you turn around, turn around and see me cry

There's so much I need to say to you, so many reasons why

You're the only one who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now, 'cos there's just an empty space

And there's nothing left here to remind me, just the memory of your face

Take a look at me now, 'cos there's just an empty space

But to wait for you, well that's all I can do and that's what I've got to face

Take a good look at me now, 'cos I'll still be standing here

And you coming back to me is against all odds

That's the chance I've got to take, oh, oho

Just take a look at me now

Vistoso Bosses - More Than Glitter

I Just Don't Care.

where do i start. hmmm.
one, i had the worst night ever, i couldn't cry till i ready to sleep. never happens. a lot of things that never happened have happened too. can you believe it? two, i think i'm done with this whole "express" shit. i'm starting to realize that when i do, does anything ever go anywhere? three, a friend told me that i was becoming heartless because a certain situation didn't phase me. usually shit like that would make me go crazy, but i'm so chill on it right now that it's scaring me shitless...

yeah this may be "expressing" now, take it for what you want. (Favorite saying) i could care less right now.

i feel that my doing this whole "expressing" things shows some sort of weakness. when you say what's on your mind, people take advantage of what's eating you right now and they run with it. i don't want friends, i don't want anyone to pay me any mind in any way, shape or form because i'm not allowed to do it with others anyways. i don't want openness, and i don't wanna be open either. if you can't open up to me then why should i? i don't wanna fall in love of lust or whatever people "think" i'm feeling. it hurts way to much and brings too much stress.

these are all the things i wanted in some lifetime ago but

I  C O U L D  C A R E  L E S S  A N Y M O R E!

i don't wanna be me, everybody hates how i do me. they think i'm soo...as a matter of fact i don't care.
i'm done with crying, i'm done with everything. my life now; eat, sleep, school. straight. i've never been in-tune with myself that i'm too fed up to even try and get to that point. seems that hurt loves me so i might as well play that game...

it's what i'm used to...

- Janelle

Lonely

I see a woman walking with her man 
man with his woman
Smiling as they stroll into this little bar
As they kiss each other holding hands
I get sick to my stomach
So jealous of how f*ing happy they are
lucky B*stards
There's a couple different people I could call right now
But the one I'm wanting don't want me at all right now
And that hurts
through my heart, my mind, and my soul
Rolling in this cab
writing on the window


Y, L, E, N, O, L
As I roll past you in this taxi cab
If you care at all
that means I'm lonely
Y, L, E, N, O, L
As I roll past you in this taxi cab
If you care at all
That means I'm lonely

What am I supposed to do now
Rolling round, feeling like a fool now
Crying like a b*it*h in the back of this taxi cab
So used to it
Driver tries to ask if I'm alright
I say "Never mind, mind your business and just drive dammit
You don't know nothing about how I feel right now, let me spell it out"


Y, L, E, N, O, L
As I roll past you in this taxi cab
If you care at all, that means I'm lonely
Y, L, E, N, O, L
As I roll past you in this taxi cab
If you care at all
That means I'm lonely




Explaining my situation to the only one that will understand, but i'm too blind to see that he knows everything....
told me i'm becoming heartless...
i dislike that word, but it could fit the way i feel now.


"just throw it all away. especially me, i'm so used to that shit you have no clue...
just another piece of trash that's been used. aha!"


- Aubrey

Trust...Lies...

i just don't wanna talk, i just don't wanna speak
hearing my own little thoughts is starting to make me freak.


T R U S T. . . ?
where are you?
i can't see, clear the smoke i can't pass through
steady kicking rocks up my way
but this? where can it really stay?
not here, i'm known to fumble
and when it happens, i watch it all crumble
my world, when someone leaves that i care about most.
they take a little...no a BIG piece of me
then i become dim, never again can i just be
crying and smashing things,
biggest hobbies when i lose things


L I E S . . . ?
you enter like a disease
killing everything in it's path and taking away what's real
you faker then breast implants
starching the scars so they have no time to heal
the dirt
you don't care, you love the hurt


cause see that's what lies do. they take away the truthful pain you know you will receive
not knowing is some sort of relief
but the truth,
can so call set you free.


you pick.
clearly my mind is not really over this...








"Every body talks, and every body listens. But somehow the truth just always comes up missing..." - Drake

Yuh Know Weh Mi Nuh Like?

the fact that you know me.
i mean  KNOW ME, KNOW ME.

know me like how family is suppose to know
& as bad as i try not to let it show,
you know me like kids know t.v.
you stare, i catch it sometimes, but never say a thing.
wouldn't want to make the moment awkward, i love the feeling.


i'm too...messed to finish..

- Aubrey

No Title

no it's not a blurb.
it's not classified as one...


it seems these days i'm thinking of all the things my cousins always told me since grade nine. it's really starting to slap the thing out my face for real! sigh, but as always, i have some sort of listening problem. if it's not the listening crap, it's the being too nice and not speaking up crap.


somebody shoot me...please?


i'm just too much of a nice person i guess you can say. i'm too much of a lover, not a fighter... but i know when to fight for what i want. after today, i really don't know what to think. it forever stays on my mind... i can't shake it at the moment. it's not the first time i'm hearing it either. but hey...that's life i guess...again.




i'll live.










you'll be sorry when i'm gone...


- Janelle&Aubrey

Uhhh...

i don't feel right... at all.

no not the feeling where i feel something is going to happen, i feel it kinda already did...

i don't know. all i know is that i don't like it...at all.

- Aubrey

Waking Up Alone.

no one to hold.
tie me down or wipe my face
from yesterdays troubles times, waking up in a new place.
a new place, you weren't there.
didn't even leave a note. you totally care!
but deep down i know you do, maybe you forgot
i know what i mean to you
cause you mean to me, something pure.
it's like in my world, cancer has a cure.
love it infinite, hate has left.
promises are kept, there is no theft
pillows so white, but they hold the secrets, the dreams, the hope
the pieces of that heart, the pain it had to cope.
the touch, the smile. the kiss, the laying a while...

it all adds up to you.

but i woke up alone...

- Janelle

Both Sides.

i really don't know where to start on this one but let me just say one thing...

when drunk, you speak truth. also when drunk, you do things you been wanting to do for the longest while, stupid or not.

one. today sucks. (they know exactly why) two, i'm still left hanging.


AN HOUR LATER.

still here...waiting i guess. whatever..i officially gave up.

sometimes i wonder if i'll ever be up to your standards. if i ever compare to whoever you've been with and such shit. i wonder shit like this all i time.
also, i can't express how you make me feel is because i fear something. especially after the dream i been having this weekend (which i will never speak of even if you begg me.)  i don't know anymore. i'm hungry so to speak. i want this. really i do. again i know words are whatever now a days and DOING says it all. but my words are my life. it's how i get everything across. i need to be more of a "take action" kind of chicka + this being shy shit obviously isn't getting me no where....ooooo weeelllll.

- Janelle


enough on that shit, lets get down to it. the drunk crap i mean.
so i was around a lot of Drinks so to speak and when i get intoxicated i think X 2353495873945761239563249

call me a hypocrite, i could care less. heard that shit all before FOR REAAAAL!

at first i really didn't want to due to the fact that the last time i did, i was dead. aslo said things to someone i wish i didn't. but again "when drunk, i speak truth"
around this time i really didn't DO much. i didn't act crazy or pee somewhere other then a bathroom, i pretty much fell asleep or was in deep thought to the point where people around me thought i fell asleep. i thought about a lot. but do i really wan to say what i thought? not really. i'm not that open anymore...so i've been told.

why tell people who i am, what's on my mind and what i feel i represent if they end up doing something i would have never expected or could care less about me?
we all make misatkes in our lives but at the end of the day we have to learn and grow from them...why are there spiteful people out there?

who's keeping you warm at night? or heavy heart?

P.S. STRAIGHT.POINT.BLANK.PERIOD. = Straight to the Point. Blank out the situation after, then end it with a Period. :)

- Aubrey

Drake - Fear

Don't believe the lies.
Look me in my eyes.
Please don't be scared of me.
Please don't be scared of me.
I remember you.
This feeling isn't new.
So please don't be scared of me.
Please dont be scared of me.
Oh oh oh oh ooh yah. 

Blurb #9

kso it seems that i'm stupid or something. yes that's what i'm picking up considering the fact that i can't see. hmmm. do i have to cut my arm off or shave my head or eat a dick for people to see what i say rings true. jeeze i have no feelings for that fool.

LOOKS CAN ALSO BE DECEIVING...
it may seem like something but on some real ish we are friends no? like damn. he has no feelings for me, he's told me on numerous occasions. also have i told him, and YOU too.

but you still don't seem to believe what i say. i mean i feel something for you that i have never for him. but words are whatever.

urgh, i really want this, but there's always something crushing my feelings.
not only you are suffering babe...


- Janelle

Little Steps.

inhale.
every thought, emotion, feeling, of my being as if without it you would die.

exhale.
every un-pure, negative, dirty, thing i have ever done cause without it you'll be happy.

erase.
memories of the past lovers, they do not compare to me.

write
our new history, for that will be most special.

think.
we will make this right.

know.
that i care.

remember.
it ain't no one but you. :)

- Aubrey

Yes Aubrey Has A Softer Side.


♥

Admiration

Concentrating

He sits there, so focused

He’s alienating
every fiber of my being

But somehow it still has me intrigued

I can’t bare that it’s me, he doesn’t acknowledge

We’re total opposites, I’m liquid

He’s solid

He’s the hardest book I have ever read

But doesn’t have a problem letting me know

What’s inside his head

I could stare at him for hours, even days

Hear me when I say

This ain’t a little “crush” phase

This is something deeper then the ocean

The way he gets deep with me
puts my everything in motion

I’m stuck between infatuation

& constant temptation.

 His seriousness fills me up like an intoxication
this intoxication is my admiration

an old poem that i been wanting to post. i was kinda scared cause this was i think the deepest thing i ever written...at the time. i saw the picture and tried to say what i think she's thinking...

think i did a pretty good job. :)

- Janelle

I Can See Clearly Now. ( 8 )

it burns you. i know.

i was your rock.

the one you went to.

i wonder how your feeling now...

maybe you should take a bow?

i don't know, who knows from here.

i'm happy now...the clouds became clear. :)

- Aubrey

Blurb #8

today was the hardest out of most, cause i had to bust out that fake smile pretty much the whole day...

there were times i slipped up or whatever, few booked it. a couple wouldn't shut up about it, the rest played it off.

whatever.

i fought back tears by listening to music, talking to friends, or pretending i was maaad tired. (which i was since i got no damn sleep, and ate no breakfast on top of that...) man i'm trippin out. it's like sand slipping through my fingers. i never beat up on myself like this before. especially this much. i can't express anymore. i'm flabbergasted...

this has NEVER happened before. EVER.
i called the only family i had at that moment, she knows who she is.
she says i'm broken...

she's right.












Thanks for that....




- Aubrey.

They Know The Words.

i really don't know what more to say....

i'll let my eyes do the talking once again...

From The Heart

the words i never bared.
where's the time we spent together? i wanna show you that i care.

each time that i did something to make your heart cry out in pain, i wanna cut piece of my soul to fix the broken.
cause my heart also is where hope lies in.
i wanna feel what you do, i wanna fix it all.
i wanna be the one that catches your spirit every time it falls.
i never was able to find something like what i have right now.
you are something special, you should take a bow.
pure and simple. point blank period.
to be honest i can't remember the last time i've been this serious.


freeggggg, it's getting to the point where doing what i know best becomes a difficult task.
and i dislike that now a days it's my feelings that i mask.
my insides cry, pain is my neighbor , my soul needs soothing
but i can't write it on paper.
figuring myself out right now is like putting together a puzzle with missing pieces
but i bet you can already see this.

there's just one thing that i begg for, happiness in a cup
can't wait ti hold it, i'll just sip that up.

chugging is prohibited....

February 7th 2010 - What's On My Mind

Happy birthday to me first off.

i remember growing up and now my birthdays used to be. kids that i called my friends that lived in the same building as me would always come and celebrate with me. i'd have a small cake with my name on it and i wouldn't even dress up. straight up bum clothes. i honestly didn't really mind doing that sometimes but deep down i didn't really want to. i mean it was the thought that counted i guess right? through out all those birthdays i felt like something was missing, i kinda still feel that. God only knows what..

18. the big 1-8. so many responsibilities pour in now. this is the time. time to grow. all these years i have been, but i gotta do it real fast and strong now. i never thought i could handle what's about to come, but i think i'm ready. i just need focus i guess. there's so many things going on and stuff i have to fix and have it stay that way. but man, this will all take time. just bare with me.

as usual i never get what i truly want for my birthday, it's starting not to phase me...but this one is different. i actually wanted...something. i'm thinking if i should go out and get it? hopefully before 12 or it wouldn't have a purpose...

P.S. birthday kiss?

Whatever Happens, Happens.

for the past three days i been wanting to post something. but could never find the time to focus or the guts to write anything. I've been crying more then ever. i never been more scared in my life, for my life. i'm just worried that my mom will give me the boot. not having that. my birthday fucked. i'm not stepping up to the plate more. like shit.

i'm seriously emotionally drained. no one seems to get that. maybe two or three. one pretends to care. then the rest could care less. another thing. i dislike when a friend feels that their fucking issues are always a head of what you have to deal with. everyone deals with things in their own way and i have a friend who doesn't understand that. which brings me to this decision.

whatever happens with that, happens. i don't need that. apparently they don't either. but they seem well happy. aha....they're a joke to me still. just like how they were laughing when i was talking to them about some things...SMH 

oh well. my life smells.

- Janelle