Can't Express How Much...

...I'm down for you
i care for you more then...then anything.
one of my few
you know?
but like i just can't express how much
i'm going to ride for you.


words fail me
you're one of those other halves i'd take a bullet for
pick over money
and fall in love with all over again...


*sigh*


- A.

I Spilled It

the ink in which i used to write our history.

the ink i swore to never even look at again considering what it was used for

we had no more history, so i had no reason to write.

i just left it there, thinking i would never use it again.

and then just when i was putting my old feelings beside it, it fell over on my carpet of dreams

messing it up. completely

i tried washing it, just made it worse.

i scrubbed, i dabbed, i even threw pure soap on it

still nothing. the stain in there forever

but of all places why would it fall on my dreams? 

not like you a stain in my dreams. 

are you?

either why now if we were ever to have a history, i could never write it.

that was my favorite ink.

you were my favorite history.

i was the only one chasing.

- A.

Boyfriend Of Mine

Girlfriend Of Yours

It's you that i begin to adore

- A.

Jon Jon - Silly Me

Drake - Lust For Life [remix] "Crash Down" by Kristie Alexandra

We Begin

we sit in front of each other.
just staring, just smiling, just vibe-ing
we aren't an item, but if people were to see the chemistry, they'd think otherwise.

i give you a deep gaze. you wonder
i speak

"right now what i want you to is to feel me, just for a minute. pretend that i'm your girl, i'll pretend your my guy. we'll show affection, we'll act. think of it as role playing. hold me like you love me. hold me like you never want me to leave. act like i'm your only one. kiss my forehead. show me your love. give me your all. only for today. only for right now. me is all you see. just do me"

with that being said you pause for a minute.

Ready,
Set,
Go.

we begin...

A Vent Or Something. I Don't Know.

if they said it once, they'd say it a thousand times more.

"you got some growing up to you. relationship and maturity wise"

but how can you when you 're on a level that one one is on?
yeah, yeah he told me i had a mind set of a 12 year old when it comes to boys, but he dumb me down into thinking so. but others showed me otherwise. my guy friends told me that i need someone who's grown (but who doesn't). overall i'm a "imma hold you down even if it kills me" kinda girl. when i "fall" i fall hard. that person is my main focus, other guys are not even in consideration. some failed to realize that and let their insecurities get in the way. usually i do that.

it's usually like my guards up to high and i push away, or it's too low and i let things slide or i just don't care period and just like having a boyfriend around. but now it's something different. people showed me in the past that this might be a real deal for a minute, never really took it in cause again the situation had to deal with our levels. we're around the same place, at the same time we fool around like it's nothing. just ordinary shit.

i guess what i'm trying to say is that, i'm just going to stay chill. maybe speak on it. but for now i'm going to see and feel out for vibes. thing with me i'm good with reading vibes, i just don't say anything at all on it cause i'm like that i guess. but whatever though.

there's just some feelings i try to explain and pray they make sense either later or instantly so i can move forward on that.

so do i think i'm maturing? more then ever now. this is all a part of knowing my wants, my needs, keeping my feelings first and staying grounded. something like that.

my knowing stage.

- A.

Destruction

enter, yea you did that
total destruction, yea you created that
you're the gas to the flame
you started a chain, and now you're figured out
but you seem to die down when you master plan is on blast
like an explosion, but no one died
that was the plan all along, you wanted something to die
someone to plant a flower in it's memory
just to have that feeling that you made something DIE.

people like you, need to roll over, and see the things in life that you can't destroy

thank God for this bond...

- A.

We Want This

speaking with you and taking you in just made me want this
want this, want this.

it's grind time

get your mind out the gutter
i mean like get this money
this power
this respect
like i know i sound like am old rap video
but like it real shit
slips up, that's a no no
and past one are in the fix up
learned my lesson learned your lesson
so real shit, let do this
been hungry for a minute now i just want it.

i wanna succeed whichever way possible
even if it's breaking the rules, it's not a way to be
but when you see it right in front of you, right in arms reach

grab that shit and hold your people down.
STRAIGHT.POINT.BLANK.PERIOD.

Mind....Set...


- Aubrey

Blah Tip

yea i'm on that blah tip
everyone's always got they own shit to deal with
understandable
but people feeding you shit you don't know
you start to wonder and wonder
and it's like "yo, are you for real"

yea a way to grow up, big deal
may think we on some different level
but take a second to feel
been under a rock for a minute, now the sunshine hit me
and it's like heaven, rays of glowing light on my skin
you begin to trim the essence of the situation cause of the time and place
but yo, set backs come and they go
live life
deal with it
things are out of my reach and they just slip though the cracks of my fingers
shit happens
live life
deal with it
overall when i can't fix it
it's just a blah tip

take me for what i become and listen to the situation cry
it is what it is

move forward.
do what you feel best, i can live with it
so can you...

- A&J

It Would Be Nice

it would be nice to actually wake up knowing i got someone to call just to hear they're morning voice and make them laugh a little, tell him to have a nice day and that i was thinking about him so i called. it would be nice to actually call him up on a rainy day and say "i'm in the mood for dancing...in the rain" he tells me he's down and swings by and we dance, we run, we laugh, we hug, we feel, we know, we see, everything, in the rain. it would be nice to actually just lay around tangled up in each other under a clear sky just looking at stars talking nonsense, but everything we say seems clear. we talk about our wants and needs, how we met and where we're going. it would be nice if he actually played in my hair. tell me it was amazing and natural even though it's a faded red colour now. it would be nice to actually fall asleep in his lap and he feels my face and tell me i'm beautiful when i sleep. it would be nice to actually sit in the sun with you. the sun kissing our skin. me hugging you from behind while we just sit and enjoy the weather. it would be nice if i actually blew bubble gum bubbles and you kissed the other end. have it pop on our faces and we pick the pieces off. we say eww every time we pick one off but it's still cute at the same time. it would be actually run around in a field of tall grass you chasing me while we fall over each other with every soft tackle, then lay in the grass and just hug. this would be nice....

all this would be nice
too bad it only happens with perfect best friends in movies who eventually fall for each other...

- Aubrey

Boredness Strikes

this was the day i was getting my nails done before the prom daaaay

bored as hell waiting

this is what i came up with

P.S. i DISLIKE SCHOOL!

How I Really Feel

*Note THE LAST TIME I'M ADDRESSING MY FEELINGS ON THIS. i needed it to be closed so i'm doing so...

- Aubrey

The Remedy

sit back and just unwhined.
just to let you know, i'm here to make you feel fine
my mission, to relax your being
i'm here to give you a satisfying feeling
i'm going to find what it takes to push your buttons
press away then set you off, begin this late night loving

"so where do we start ma?"

close your eyes
relax your shoulders, let the world rise
you've carried to too long
you've showed the world that you're strong
let me rub your body down, oils involved
massage till the issues are resolved
body wise i'm trying to un-tense you
by spending all this time with you
let it all go, let it all free
while we here, i'll take you to extacy
by my simple touches and manipulating your skin
i can erase what's deep within
drain the toxic waste stress brings
take so why you'll believe you had wings
don't escape me
i'm your remedy...


- Janelle

High Standards

it's something that you have that i don't fit.
high standards
you wanna chick like Nicki
big tits, phat ass
a chick would be luck if he even passed
pretty face, nice eyes
yea, something like that = your prize
flawless skin, 5'5, long hair
someone on your arm that will make the whole world stare
but me
aha! just a joke thing for you still
a girl you fuck around with just for the thrill
too busy ignoring the inside that the outside over shadows the best quality
that's what sets your high standards apart from me
you see i'm not the type who dolls herself up to be on some movie screen
no phat ass, average tits, so i believe
that i got what it takes to be the best without having to look my best
in my world it's like that
in your world it's glamor and blitz, that's where its at
no matter how bad i wanna fit your standards
there too high for me


but you fit mine cause i don't look for much...

- Aubrey

Just Wondering...

...How Long Will This Happiness Last?


HOPEFULLY ALWAYS, IT FEELS SOOOO GOOOOOOD!

Blah # 3

I noticed that when i'm mad and i say something will happen, it really does
then i look back on it and kinda wished it didn't happen...all cause i was right.

blah

- Janelle

Twisted Mind

* i have these things. i hate calling them "dreams" or "day dreams" cause it's not like that in a sense. i think about something in words and just make it into a little movie in my head. i think i'll call them "flashes" or something, who knows but here's one i wanna share. 

explicit content

i want you to look her in the eyes like you did me

see her

i want you to touch her like you did me

feel her

i want you to lay her down and kiss her softly

show her you want her

get passionate

"click"

all the intimacy stops

something just clicked with you

something didn't feel right

something....deep.

you get off the bed

she asks where you going

she's thinking she did something wrong and gets all teared up

you don't care right now.

you tell her you'll see her tomorrow

she runs after you, you run down the stairs and fly out the door

you run, i'm on your mind

you gotta reach me, you gotta see me

me

me

me

i'm the one you think about

her

her

her?

her who

you run to my place, you knock the door.

no answer.

but people are inside

so you turn the knob and the door opens

you hear my voice

it sounds like i'm singing

then you hear a voice filled with bass

a manly voice

you walk to my room

you see my face hanging off the bed.

i see you

i smile

but it wasn't a welcoming one

you continue to walk

you open the door

you begin to feel emotion

pain, anger, hurt.

broken is what you are

i'm fucking the enemy

your enemy

just like how you fucked mine

you enjoyed her

so i am enjoying mine

with every thrust i take it all in

while you just stand there and watch

broken

still, i smile.

- Aubrey

Quick Blaze Before Bed.

NO NOT WEED. blaze as in like a quick spill i guess before bed...

today was relaxing, hot at first then got super cool. it was nice. i enjoyed myself and got a cool tan. (well i like it) had two quick naps and chilled with some good people. more like fam you know? *smile*

but then i came home. to air that was full of anger and things of that nature. tried my best to fight it till six people came talking to me on msn that i wanted night from them at this point and time, considering the most amazing day i had. three talking none-sense on how they wanna kick it, one talking about his life, one showering me with compliments cause he digs me but i'm not into him like that, as a matter of fact not in anyway and one that thought it would be cool to have me lingering in something that wasn't basically there. lost feelings for me and never told me. whatever they all bitches. YEA ALL. i call them like i see them still. maybe if they change there ways i might change my mind for a second. anyways

so i'm guessing that's it since i didn't wanna give you 12 paragraphs.

till next time.

- Aubrey

P.S. All This (not what i wrote) Shall Pass. Days will come where people will feel the pain more then i felt, then realize they're mistake. either come running back or leave me be, either way it's your life and i'm not paying you any attention. also if any of my friends are caught up in any mess that involves my past and these people i address in any type of way that will make me feel a way, L O C K - O F F !

growing up never been this easy...

Excuse Me Sir...I Gotta Let You Know

excuse me sir but i can't help something
i can't help but look into your eyes.
so hazel, so bright.
tell me sir, do you ever hide behind those beautiful eyes?
please don't.
but i know you tell a story
you been through things i know
things you didn't deserve
people used you, they took advantage of what they thought was your weakness
you niceness and your caring-ful ways
but your eyes say soemthing, something of hope
something that your still willing to do even thoug you feel like giving up
yes i found it.
JUST DON'T GIVE UP.
your eyes are too pretty to give off the giving up vibe.
but hey sir i just wanted to let you know that
i really think your eyes are beatuiful
and any girl with a beautiful soul, will be able to see you eyes and say the same thing i just said.

(maybe that says something about me *wink*)

- Aubrey

P.S. it was meant for someone who has no idea. *wink*

Late Night Bizz

"...in a sense i was tense, but my body lose around you, what imma do without you?..."

minutes to hours

hours to days

when will i feel that real ray of sunshine again

when will you kiss me skin so soft

when will you take back the things you bought

when will i begin to heal

when will you begin to feel

when will we forgive the past

when will remember our good last

in you i seek

cause it's real you speak

my soul you peak

keep it on a happy streak

you are honesty

and give me hopeful possibilities

to express my passionate  abilities 

to show you what true is

call this my late night bizz

Quiet Day My Ass

communication is key, but why should i be open with people who can't handle what i will say? why should i fall into your childish games and play ring-around-the rosey? aha! i'm at a point right now where i'm not scared to make some cuts off my team and shit, just know. this isn't out of anger, it's out of frustration. i don't talk shit like he does when i'm pissed. i know how to hold my own. so fuck that, fuck her, and him, and you. i'm tired. I NEED SOME SLEEP.

and to think i CAAAAARE. BUT YOU SHOW NOTHING....K A R M A!

nuff said!

P.S. I Just Wanna Eat

urgh, i woke up heavy, as if i didn't wanna come off the couch and live this new day God has granted me cause i felt i let you down and for what? for me to deal with the you make me feel guilty, as if i'm the worse person in the world is killing me right now. i let your mistakes slide but mine is what you hide behind cause i never did you wrong..till now...


thinking all night what i could do to make it all better and go back to the way things were so crisp and shit, but as much as i think it's not making a difference. you see me as something i'm not and i can't change that. i can't travel back in time and redo what happened cause that's not how it is. i don't know what more to say cause i'm sooo flabbergasted because of what you said. it still rings in my head.


if i didn't care as much as you think, would i be this restless? would i take the time to freggin write out my issues? would go to my mom like i do and talk this out with her? it's just so hard to deal with but something is tell me to still deal cause it's all worth it you know. actually i don't think you do. family should know family. you're my family and you don't know me? so what does that make us? family still? you think i have no idea about you but i know. trust me.


i'm seeing this as a another day gone by trying to figure out what to say to you and how to say it without snapping cause right now i just wanna yell at you and make you feel as bad as i am feeling right now. that's wrong. that's spiteful. but i'm not going to. i just gotta think.


everything is messed. with me anyways.




- Janelle


P.S. i just wanna eat.

Are You Serious Right Now?

i never felt this crappy when i made Andrew get stitches because i was swinging a golf club and ripped off his whole eye brow... yea i made a mistake. what you never gonna let me live it down? maybe you don't understand that i actually wanted to leave where i was and come see if you were okay. maybe you should consider the fact that when i'm angry i never refer to you as "some dude, some boy" cause i refer to you as "F A M I L Y"  but no, as soon as i make a mistake i'm the worse person in the whole but you can go around and fuck with my feelings as much as you want and i can't say shit right? cause you're mr. perfect. everything you do is right. every time i need someone to talk to you're there. every time i need advice, you're there. every time i need a shoulder, you're there. you're always there for me right? you never get distracted over the phone with me when i'm having a serious "heart to heart" right? i know cause you're the best friend i always dreamed of. i also dream of ruling the world in spandex...

you fail to realize that i'm who you take for granted ever god given day cause you think i'm always going to be there,  sad to say it's in my DNA to always be there for someone, even if they're a total dick like you. so snake? SO SNAKE? really now? i never check you when i hurt you physically? one time i never did and it's all the time now? you know my everything and i know shit about you right? what kind of fucking friendship is this if i have to drain myself to make you happy for five minutes. why do i have to use my body in order to please your every need when i can't have two seconds to let off some steam without it even being an issue. to some i may look like a complete bitch cause i fucking hurt you and apparently felt no fucking ways but yet i'm sleepless worrying about you right? i guess i'm the bad friend. i guess i'm the one wasting time. i guess i should go into my natural habitat and live where the weed grows huh? since that's all i am: "some snakeasz girl"

i swear when i'm gone eh? this time don't even think about picking up that phone and dialing my first three digits... my number will no longer be in service for you when i'm gone...

- Aubrey

Cuttin It All Off.

cutting off all ties like that. cause if i want something real i need to trash the fake. if i ain't the main focus, then i have no purpose for you. make sense?

It Takes Over: Passion

the music takes him to a place where i could only imagine.
he's one with the beat.
it takes over his every being and he becomes something new.
music is in-tune with his soul
he eats, sleeps, breathe this passion
more then anyone i know.
comes up with an eight count in less then 8 minutes.
talented young man with a future to some seems miles away
but to me, right around the corner.
ask him what he wants to do.
first thing he would say is "Dance"
he's passion for this kinda drives me
never met someone who out their all into something we both love.

it's just passion you know?
a word that lives now in my vocabulary.

i feel my passion will come out more and more as the months pass by.
just love.

♥

-Aubrey

Blurb # 15

so umm. you know what. i'm just gonna....well i don't know.
doing this will cause nothing but dirty laundry that i'm not willing to wash.

so count me out. as much as i like feeling you, i'm not really being true, neither are you. my feelings are here and your feelings are there and overall it's just everywhere. so hey, do you, i do me, we'll both me happy...sometime in the long run...

- Aubrey

This Is What I'm Into

boys...no wait. MEN this piercings and fitted hats. swag in tact. tats down the back, the front, all over. maybe long hair they throw over their shoulders. kicks bright coloured, and teeth white coloured. they gotta have passion for something art. that's what will bring us together, never grow a part. this is what i'm into...


- Aubrey


*Note: i don't look for all this in just one boy. you can have just one of these things and you will catch my attention.


also love personality too. :)

Opened Eeys

you do realize by us fooling around and do what we do that we are just using each other to ease our pain. finally i realize something important...

Might Be My Last For A While

it's always something not on the happy side. so i'm taking a break till i'm happy...

- Aubrey&Janelle

If I Were To Meet You Right Now...

i would stare you right in your eyes and ask you. "reasons?"
then i would wait for you to answer. no matter the outcome of that question...i would cry. thinking of all the things that went down, i would find it overwhelming. i would scream at you whatever came yo mind. i would beat your chest, slap your face, cry and scream. in helplessly fall into your arms. weakness struck me. standing was an obstacle. you were well aware of what was going down then and now. i can'r describe this feeling cause it actually hurts. yeah, some people say it hurts but nothing like how i'm actually hurting.


if i were to even see you right now. i think i would just cry. (i've given up in general) no more i'm sorrys and forgiveness. i'm to tired o could be laid to rest. i thought i was making a good choice when i was going to just lock off whatever. but then i'll be stuck wondering "what if" & "why".

this is a regular thing, hence why i freaked out like i did. also thinking about the information i received makes it even more painful...you don't get it, and i don't understand how chill you think it really is. so is there really solving to this situation? i don't know, and i do really care. at the same time i'm sick of breaking down.

i need a hole...

- Janelle

Time

it's what we both need. wait till i come to you. that's if i come to you.

keep trying with me now and it'll just make me push away more and talk all types of shit due to my bad temper.

it's not a way to be but whatever.

t i m e !

please...

-Janelle

What Does This Mean?

kso i had to get it out somehow. i have a feeling these won't stop for a while but i'm doing the best job by fighting it. why am i? cause i actually value this...






the dream starts off with everyone running around. this was back in slavery times. all the slaves had to run around this ship in order to escape the slave masters from killing them or throwing them off the boat. you on the other hand decided to help us. me and three of my sisters were so close to being caught but you knew where the good hiding spots were. we had this love for each other that it was kinda weird for the others to accept it. it was strong, passionate and real, no doubt. we had this moment that even in reality it felt real to me. while we were running we stopped in the middle of the run around and you held my face in your hands. you said nothing. i said nothing. all we did was put our heads together and kissed each others foreheads and hugged so tight that i had to catch my breathe. you told me that you would never let them hurt me. i told you i love you. you said the same. you wiped my tears away. i was scared obviously. i didn't wanna become shark food and lose the love of my life due to my skin colour. i grabbed my sister while you looked for the spot. took my sister and i out of sight. two minutes later you came back saying you found it but we'll be sealed tight cause it is a small spot and they would never suspect anyone hiding there. my youngest sister was the smallest. and my oldest sister was bigger then me. you and i are kinda the same size. so i'm holding your hand and my sister are holding each others while the youngest one holds the loop in my hands while i follow you. we make our way through a long narrow hallway to this black door. i push it open fast and push my sisters in and you push me in. pick a spot now you say. i picked this cubby whole box type thing and fit myself in it, you follow. i move all the clothes out the way, since i figure this is someone's room. a wife of one of the slave masters. my younger sister picks a cubby in the big closet. i couldn't see her anymore. i heart kinda panicked but she stuck her arm out to let me know she was still there. my oldest sister hid under the bed and put a whole bunch of clothes around her so it looked like no one was under there. you and i are in this cubby whole holding each other and scared. you're telling me everything will be fine and no one will find us. continuously wiping away my tears and kissing my forehead a million times to calm be down. i never held you so tight. we all hear footsteps outside the door, it became instantly silent in the room. i stop crying, i'm so scared that i can't make a peep. all of a sudden someone kicks in the door my younger sister lets out a sound. the slave master goes into the the closet and shoots inside till my sisters lifeless body falls to the ground. i start to cry silently and you hold my mouth so i made no noise. you begin to whisper in my ear to stop crying and that you love me. i can't control myself. older sister tried to run out the door. slave master shoots her point blank.then i flinch. i banged my knee on the cubby door and the slave master walks over slowly to the cubby and you tense up. slave master takes his gun and opens like cubby door fast, you jump up and take him down. i scream your name.




i wake up. tears in my eyes and all. i was tense and exhausted cause i never had a dream feel so real.
again what does this mean man. i'm tripping out cause yo, you'e on my mind. for the wrong reasons. is this my subconscious speaking to me?