Sunday, October 4, 2009

Letter To Mom

it's hard being me as it is. not knowing where my mind set from time to time, not knowing what my actual dreams are cause they keep changing. it feels like i have no sense of guidence because at the end of the day, i feel you not there for me emotionally like most mother are with there daughters. i know i'm not the best apple on the tree but i try. i bent over backwards as many times as i can but it's never good enough for you. it seems like nothing is EVER good enough for you. anything i do. even if it's keep my room clean, giving no sass, little thins like that. it's getting to the point where, if anything were to happen i'm doubting myself...would i do anything? i'm second guessing myself. and second guessing you.

i want to be the best i can be, but how can i be the best i can if i don't have my own parents behind me at all times. dad who? never had that dude. i think that's why i act out. i never had that kind of attention. now i want that, seems like mom can be the only one to so that. but she's to busy being mad at me, mad about the past, and mad at what i'm becoming. a woman. she cannot handle it cause she doesn't want me to make the same mistakes like she did. picking up the worst man, working at the shittest job ever. and not having a life. coming home everyday and just going to your room. even closing the door now to drown out the world. but she can't. ever had someone tell you don't blame yourself for grown ups stress or whatever mess they're in? well i can honestly say that i'm the reason why you're so depressed and stressed and all this shit. i'm lazy, i'm rude, i'm not everything you hoped for me to be because i'm always looking around at what others have and what they provide for their families. i have all this anger build up because we don't have it easy like other people. someone once told me that things come for those who wait..how long we'll we both have to wait for things to get better, for you let me free and for me to actually see you happy.

that's all i really want, and i swear to you from now on i will try my HARDEST.

that's something i can honestly say i can do.
cause i love you.

5 comments:

  1. omgosh -
    i read it again nd i almost cried !
    ---

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  2. You know it's very rare when you get someone who can articulate their thoughts and feelings well. Then have them share it with others and have what they put have a lasting or some kind of mutually understandable affect on them.
    This post was simply amazing. It didn't make me almost cry lol but it was touching. :)


    sorry had to delete other comment cause I messed up a tad.

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  3. awww alexus. *rubs back*

    it's cool mr. knowledge
    and thanks for understanding me.
    don't know much it ment.

    again thanks y'all! :)

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