something I’ve either just brushed with my lips or something i study in the school of your mind. something i never fully grasped, something i long to have or just something people through around cause “like” isn’t deep enough. does love have a plan with me in mind? a question i always wondered but feel there’s no answer for it. i sat up last night thinking about this. “am i in this right now?” “how come certain things can’t leave me alone at this point?” crazy thing though, i’ve been slapped in the face so many times with “rejection” or “i’ll wait for you” that i just say “fuck you” and go about business that i should wait on. i said it once, and i’ll say it a million times more. the face in the mirror is familiar, i know her. but what she’s doing to herself and others isn’t what she’s knows nor capable of doing. so why is she taking on such a big and disgusting task? is it making her happy for a little while? does she like what she’s getting from this? is this what she thinks love is? losing the only thing God wants her to hold on to until someone right comes alone is really worth the wait like everyone says it is?
all this rings and more…but this is the only piece i’m willing to share. i did and still do shit now without a care in a world like i’m kind of wild child. at times i blame the situation my father put me through. ever since that day i feel too different to even understand what the hell is going on. i’m hiding my feelings more then ever and i never ignored someone else feelings in my life and felt no way about it. it’s like i don’t care about anything anymore period now. i’m just growing impatient with everything, tired of some friends and just want to pour anything out to that one person. i NEED something real now, it’s getting to me that i haven’t found it yet and now i’m preventing that from even coming around cause i’m scared if i let someone in just this one last time…it’s completely over.
so dear love, i’m here….waiting….again.