Wednesday, August 11, 2010

i'm into telling you what you wanna hear. not what's really true. you're never true with me anyways. #TrueColours.

break down of what i mean
Example: “yo what if i were to ask you to be my girl, would you be down?”

“uhhhh yeaaaa….?”
i said “yea” cause it’s what you expected. i said what was expected instead of what wasn’t cause either way both answers would have thrown you. you’d think i’d say “NO” but then again you were kinda on the fence, not really knowing what to expect. but kinda expecting “yes”. keeping my feelings in mind however most times i would have said “no” cause it’s what is usually said. but i lied. i knew that if i said “yes” i would have got either *silence* or an “oh”
basically i wasn’t being straight up *first time ever* because i thought it would be a little spice added to the cook-out. i told you want you kinda wanted to hear. to be honest i really didn’t want to answer the question cause i didn’t care. i know you. i know how you are with girls. i know how you are with me. why would i wanna be in a realtionship with you? all i did was LOVE you. i didn’t wanna be with you. i liked thinking about a new you. a you that had open eyes to something that could have been one of the best things you ever done good in your life. but instead you manipulate my mind and took big advantage of me…like they always do. i give you props. you played a good game. told a couple lies…leaded me on…once again. but who’s the fool? me? i think so….
someone once told me, “don’t try to play a game that doesn’t make sense to you. you will only feel stupid. foolish even.” it’s cause i never found out the rules. this game has no rules. everyone fights dirty and most of the time, the victim ends up with a heavy heart and dead weight. the suspect could care less. but this time around i was feeling both ways. i felt like it was over for me in a sense. i just couldn’t believe that someone i could trust my life with would play with something i cared most about. something i would die for. he fucked with it. then i sat right here in this chair and stared out into nothing. i felt nothing. not a single sting of feelings. i felt like my heart stopped beating. like it was cold, but yet no goosebumps. it was as if a bomb went off and my whole sense of remorse was vanished. i could care less. i could feel less. but i wanted to hurt someone. hurt someone like the ones before me did. i wanted to make someone fall for me…i wanted them to feel emotional pain like what a girl feels. feel their heart rip out from them and watch as someone stomps all over it. does shit to it that you could not ever imagine. yea i wanted to be that monster. that BITCH you’ll hate. that chick you wanna erase. that cancer with no cure. i wanted my name to drip from your mouth like blood does from a slit wrist. i wanted to destroy.
now i can honestly say that i’m not looking nor will i look forward to someone coming my way. i don’t wanna sound like a regular chick talking about “men are dogs” and BS like that. now all i want is company. i don’t know about commitment. seems that when you show a dude that that’s what you want they get scared or something. so i’m showing nothing. heartless and free. bittersweet. i still wanna know what it’s like to be on the players side of the fence at the same time i’m scared of that side. cause once someone gets hurt like how i get hurt, it’s a wrap, that’s all they ever wanna do…is inflict pain. this point in time i know i don’t wanna deal with….whatever this is. i just want company. i want a different type of friend. someone where we can share the same feelings without the boyfriend/girlfriend label. i’m not into that label. with that comes talk of all towns and noisy people and such crap. i want the opposite sex….point blank. just to kick it with.
yea that’s it…just kicking it. :)
- Aubrey

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