Monday, August 23, 2010

You Reap What You Sow

looking back on a poem i wrote earlier and feeling like a damn fool
can't believe i wrote something along those lines, i basically acted like he was my tool
he was far from that
i hope he knows now he basically destroyed the last bit of faith i really had in a man whose job is to protect
but he ignored my cries, continued to beat down, touch and neglect.
father? father?
you could ask me what "father" means to me...and i'd come up with nothing, just empty
is this what God as for me? is this what he sent to me?
a man who cannot face his issues head on, a man who cannot love himself?
a man who says things, but ever comes through? a man who lives off other peoples wealth?
if that is what a father is then i rather have my mother.
cause out of all the parent figures in my life, i'm now seeing what she's been saying. it's nothing like no other.
my "father" doesn't care about anyone, not even himself cause if he did, he wouldn't be destroying his temple
God gave us this beautiful body for us to do our part and take care.
but all he does is smoke like crazy and drink beers
i see it now
the deceiving side
the side that he covered up, the side that he decided to hide
i can tell you stories upon stories about how men treated me in the past
i've been punched, touched and slapped.
i've seen it all, i been there through it.
people don't understand when i said "yo i already knew it"
they see the soft side of me and think "she's playing a role"
i hide all this because i never wanted to bare my soul
but it's here. in the flesh and crying out for love
a hand to set me free from all this negativity, a hand from up above
praying now...?
i'm scared to. i'm questioning my own faith, God please tell me how
fighting back tears as if i'm at war with my eyes.
this is why i see past the right guys, fall for the ones that break me
cause i'm broken
it's all i ever known
then there's him, but he can't see past friendship

i love myself more then anyone's words can tell me, but situations like this make me forget how to love
this person came in, told me those words, made me believe that it's true
a man that says he loves me, wouldn't do the things you do.
he wouldn't violate me.
he would take me in his arms and say "everything will be okay, i'm here now" protection
he'd show me endless love and affection.
wouldn't mess with my mind and cause me to lose sleep.
he wouldn't bring fear at my door, have it move it and take over.
i learned one thing in church on Sunday "you reap what you sow"

soon one day "father" you'll know.

- Aubrey Hope.

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