*Note: THIS IS A FUCKING VENT SO DON'T TAKE SHIT TO HEART. IF SO JUST CLICK THE BUTTON WITH THE X ON YOUR RIGHT HAND TOP CORNER. thank you.
kso, in my mind this is how it is.
i write on my white board anything and everything related to you in any way possible. i write it all down in this white board till it isn't white anymore. some of the words i can't make out anymore cause there's sooo much of then. aha! then i stare at it wondering "damn" then i pick up the eraser and begin to clear the board...basically clearing my mind of all things you. two seconds later my mind does a rewind like it's a video tape i stare at the words again, then erase, over and over until i start to cry, then i wake up. this is my dream for the past few days.
i told my sister about it. (blood sister) and she said this. "from what you told me it seems you want to clear it all but something is preventing that. you write it all down cause it's all you can do. you don't wanna vent it cause you feel there's no point, what's it going to solve you know? what's done is done, the damage is all there. i can just hear it in your voice that you're tired. not physically but overall. at the same time you want to ease the pain, which is why you fool around with others. yes i know all about that, trust me. but it just makes the pain come back ten times worse. kid, i know what it's like to feel you put your soul into something you actually believed was going work in your favor and you get fucked over and the person who did it is making it seem like it's your fault and you did wrong when it isn't even like that. by the way it's no one's fault. love lost as i like to see it. don't let one person effect your whole heart on love. love is real. if it wasn't God would have killed everyone already. you think if God didn't love us that we wouldn't exists? but you know how i feel about that so scratch that. jay, i just feel if something doesn't trust, believe or can even handle you, they aren't right for you. i know how you feel, i know what he made you feel. how do i know? you never acted like this about anyone since green eyes. but this was something more. and now you're like dead. and it's pissing me off. holy jay. i wish i could fly out there and give you the biggest hug and tell you how much i care and show you that this too shall pass, but i could only send it to you in a message. also i'm not saying to cut everything off, but at the same time now that your feelings are out there, it's going to be hard to try and rekindle what little you guys had. 'yes it was little' because of hurt feelings and anger. i never heard you this upset and shit. holy you must have really felt for this one, especially if you weren't thinking of anyone else. i just wished he actually see what me and Jamal see. but hey, that's life right? it is what it is? if i got anything else to say, i will message. stop crying, dry those eyes so the sand man can come and cover your pain, please kid. your one and only"
no one in this world knows her like me or even come close. some like to think so but she can tell me exactly what underwear i put on, what foot i used first to put it on and i wouldn't even have to tell her i was putting on some.
hands down one of the hardest things i had to go through. don't get me wrong, my life isn't hard, just stuff i have to deal with kinda just start to build up and then i crash.
it's strange to me cause i only saw one thing, i never got distracted my it no matter how hard i tried to fight temptation i never gave in, now i do whatever. i care about me but it gets hard to keep up with caring when no one else does. kinda hard to trust people when they lie to you. find it tiring bawling over my feelings being hurt once again. like fuck bro. i'm soo fucking mad. i can't even express my anger. i can't even go on the one thing that i liked reading of yours. that's how cheesed i am. it itches me real bad. i also find it weird how fast this all happened, including you getting over...me.
whatever though. i always say it's easy to forgive, but to forget?
that's some next level shit that i will NEVER do. thanks for scaring me. trust you're not the only scar i run my finger across for little reminders on dudes like you though.
i don't know what more to say.