Forgive You

i miss him. the old him. i one that never got caught up in all the street things, the bad friends & the other girls. i miss the way you used to hold me when i was crying over the littlest thing. i miss the way your fingers felt in my nappy hair. i wish to stare in your eyes again. they were so amazingly greenish, blue-ish, greyish colour. i missed watching them change. i miss when you used to come visit me early in the morning and help me get ready for school. you always made me late cause you were always trying to get me to slow things down and just bond with you. i wanna see your old swagger. i wanna see you moms, brother, sister, grandma. i miss Chester the pup. he's probably HUGE now. your smell was mesmerizing. skin so smooth and soft. i bet you got taller too. i can't even remember the last time i saw you. but i remember when i saw you, you were in the baddest shape. you weren't the boy i once knew. you were a man now. but a man with a past that has come back to haunt him.

i tried to be you guidance. tried to tell you what being with those people and doing those things would do to you. but you were so blinded. you saw all the cheese, all the cake, the dough. but what happens when it gets fucked? you get fucked! i missed the way you used to tell me everything was going to be okay, that i was safe around you and you would do me no harm. till that day came, i thought the worst of you. how could you have possibly been my shield when i couldn't even shield myself from you? that day, oooh Lord that day, you should a side that i could never imagine you possibly possess. it was shattering. you broke the bond with that one slap. just one slap. luckily I'm not those crying bitches and let you beat down on me, something you also taught me. never let a dude hit you. even if he does, deck him straight. that's what i did. i seen the hurt and the proud-ness in you eyes. i decked you yes, but you hurt me. you hurt, i hurt. we were sync like that. i didn't ever have it like that with any other dude EVER. up to now i don't...

do i want to? yes!

you ran through my mind today when i was getting my heart stepped on some more. ever since you broke it, it's never been whole. there where dudes that came close to making me feel the things you did, but fucked it up, most the same. lying, cheating, etc. i just miss what i was used to pretty much. it was all so new, enchanting, exciting. before you went and did whatever.

the last thing you told me was: "you really don't know what you have till it's gone JJ. i know that now and I'm sorry..."

i think i can forgive you now...

- Janelle