My New Year Resolution

okay so i decided to make one. *yay....rolls eyes* i got a couple things i want to do this year. i'm really not into doing these things cause i never follow them. but this year will be different. :)

#1: J.O.B. ! can't really get anywhere without cash, something i don't have. neither do i have a social life like i want cause that needs money too. i'm going to break my back looking for one...woord.

#2: Make True & Real Friends. <--- the problem with this is that they're hard to find. all the fake and un-real people over populate which makes these people not seen or go into hiding...

#3: Honesty. with myself especially...this year was full of lies and denial with myself. i deserve better then what i give me. time to treat me better. oh Respect falls under this too.

#4: WEIGHT! aha! yes, i know what your thinking. WTF? hehe! i been tryna gain weight for the longest time. i know i'm not that skinny (so they say) but a little weight won't hurt. :)

#5: Practice singing, writing, dancing, speaking. in order to be the best, try your best, do your best.

#6: PARTY LIFE. make one. it's needed.

#7: Go Into The New Year With This: Forgiveness. why stay mad at old beef or whatever...new year, new beef LMAOO. jokes.

not about beef POINT BLANK. :)

#8: Find Who I Am, Or Get Really Close To Finding Out... i think i'd need to know. time to be really in tuned with myself.

i think that's it....if anything else.

i guess i'll add it.

That's A Little For Now. :)

It's Funny

Hope You're Happy

"i'm sorry Happy doesn't live here

she hasn't for a couple months...

she just up and disappeared

you seemed disappointed...

did Happy have something for you?

Happy had something for everyone, she always alternated.

she spread whatever she had with everyone.. she use to say things like "i did it cause i can"

it was her gift from the man himself, part of her life long plan.

have you met Happy? don't think you have.

you'd have the essence. you seen sad.

you light has fadded, i can tell you're not yourself

and i barely know you, you're not at your best.

i wish i had her number, something like an address.

so you can get back what you lost and stop looking a mess...

you're a beautiful girl, why the long face

what could make you so sad and put you out of place?..."

I started walking away.

with the last few words the lady said made me feel that i didn't wanna stay

a place where the answer to my question used to live made me feel uneasy and brought discomfort

can't believe Happy was here, then decided to abort..

my days just get worse and worse

all cause Happy left me, now i'm feeling cursed...

hope YOU'RE fucking happy...

Mind Set #10

i'm not going to lie, i'm still buggin. sigh, can you really blame me? it was like an infection that got out of hand and now, i'm dead. sappy ass love songs forever playing on my fucking iTunes. i think it's just doing that cause it knows i'm on the brink of bawling un-controllably at any even moment. no matter how many times i skip one song, another just seems to start playing. does the world wanna see me sad right now? God, i just wanna be fucking happy. happy doesn't know this "new" me. the old me would've been happy. shit loads of smiles, giggles and fun. but damn...not here. happy doesn't know this. even if i get the chance to be happy for just the slightest amount of weeks. i think i'll be happy. my birthday is coming up and i'm downer then last year. hooooly. you want something to work so bad cause you never believed in anything for the longest while. finally when it's a fail, (and i hate calling it a fail..) you stop believing in everything along those lines forever. yeah, forever.....okay well maybe not forever but indefinitely...i light that was well dim has died out for sure. not saying that i'm going to be a heartless bitch...but i'm soooo close to it i could taste it. aha!

guess the good thing about this is that maybe i could focus on me and whatever, bad thing is that, that side of me won't be happy...

i need happy...

Am I Loosing My Chance At True Happiness?

she wonders
as she goes through her thoughts and sees her love with another
not knowing what they have going on, she sits there
wondering if he's slipping through her fingers
she waits and sees if he makes a next move with this girl
as she starts to get teary eyes she sits and thinks about what she could have possibly done
for him to seek love in another
she starts crying
her feeling rushes over her like a strong stormy tide
she's overwhelmed
she can’t handle this
she runs out into the light
she catches his eye
wondering what she's doing here, he chases
she's crying out of control
he grabs her
looks at her
sees that she's hurting
wondering why she's crying he asks her what’s wrong
she couldn't look him in the face
she was so distort by seeing him with the girl
he stares at her for a second
seeing the tears stream down her face
he wipes them away
he kisses her
taken back for a second she kisses back
they embrace each other for a moment
then she pushes away
she wants to take a chance and yell it out to him that she loves him
but she seen the way he looked at her
"Does he give me that look?"
He’s puzzled
wondering why she's so resistant
she asks him
“Am I Loosing My Chance at True Happiness?”

Chest Pain

it started a week ago, i thought it was just gas.

i thought it was something small, but the pain wouldn't pass.

but it's something deeper, the broken pieces of my heart are trying to tell me something

show me that this can go two ways: harsh as winter's cold or blissful as rain in spring

keep your eyes on the prize and never back down

show all sides of your personality and stand proud

i'm suffering here, my heart - broken

every dude that came through, left their token

with me it was so many words left unspoken

it's like a gut feeling in my chest, it knew something was going to happen soon

i just let it pass, put it aside cause i thought it was too good to be true...

On Christmas, I'm Missing Her

no friend that i ever had can compare to her

and i know when we see each other again, it will be well worth it for sure

it's been so long since we seen each other

we still manage to have this bond

just wanna see her again in the flesh, maybe i'll be at one

with myself. i need that back

she's the real thing i lack

my pure other half

i wondered for years

"if she comes back, will i be happy again?

will i forget the anger and quit fighting tears?"

i miss her everyday, but just days like this where family and friends should be together is where i miss her most.

old memories haunt me like a ghost.

reminds me when times here good and i was most happy.

i'm stop before this gets sappy.

long story short. every night before i lay my head,

i look out the window and pray that you make your way back to me again. ♥

- Janelle&Aubrey

My "I Am" Poem

Wrote this in grade 11 i think. my friend Alysia and i had to for some "Poetry" mark of the grade 11 curriculum. came across it when i was cleaning.

I Am Stubborn & Free-Spirited

I Wonder When My Life Will Change

I Hear My Conscience Talk, But Not At The Moment

I See A Splash Of Colour In My World

I Want To Find Love

I'm Stubborn & Free-Spirited

I Pretend My Shower Head Is My Microphone

I Feel Fuzzy Inside

I Touch Clouds In My Dreams

I Sometimes Worry That My Dreams Will Never Come True

I Cry For My Broken Heart

I'm Stubborn & Free-Spirit

I Understand Nothing Is Free

I Say It's Okay To Be Different

I Dream Big Dreams

I Try My Best At All Times

I Hope That Peace Becomes Reality

I Am Stubborn & Free-Spirited

Well Once Upon A Time I Could Believe Some Of This...Now There's No Hope Here.

- Heartless Aubrey

Not In The Christmas Spirit...

...cause i'm mad.

why am i always mad? "you're just mad at the world cause you grow tired if a repeat..." those words echo and ring true. this Christmas feels like shit, i'm not even around people that i want to be around: my friends (family). i don't even wanna be about my own blood right now. no wait scratch that i don't wanna be around anyone right now. maybe a stereo or something. my nerves are frazzled.

what am i trying to say here?

if it's not family pissing me the fuck off, it's my so called friends, if it's not them, its family again, a never ending cycle.

they think they know and think they understand

but they don't realize what i have in the palm of my hand.

i have me

my everything: feelings, heart, mind, soul.

take the time and get in with the know

know me, inside and out

get to know what makes me tick, what makes me shout

what makes me forever keep my guard up

i'll show you know, cause i know my stuff

if anybody knows me, it's definitely me....

Who Do You Think You Are?

it seems like everyone is my personal "inner voice" and feels they know what's best for me when they know nothing. i'm sorry, if i wanted your opinion i would have asked right? who do you guys think you are? fucking Oprah and Dr. Phil? hmmmm......

it's funny cause growing up i always had someone telling me what's best for me, then starting to depend on someone telling me shit, when they didn't really know the full out story. like i don't get it. now i'm starting to make choices on my own and i still have peeps telling me their so called "411" on the scoop. whatever scoop they think they know. i'm just mad frustrated with everything now. i need time to breathe i guess. but knowing these fuckers their gonna tell me something like "you don't need a break, you're buggin over nothing" man if only you guys can walk a mile in my size 8 and a half shoes.

- Aubrey

Well Almost

thinking with my head noodles
feeding bread to poodles
fun is by the oodles
and this love is undescrible
it's like something tribal

well almost ♥

The Damage

nigga's always want a fucking hand out.

that's how i know they don't really understand what i'm 'bout

they always fuck with me, make my life more complex

and i'm the stupid one that buys it, but i gotta move these fake objects

i'm i that blind? i know i don't need specks...

i'm so tired with everything, giving up seems like the way to go..

although

there's this talk about finding "the one"

shoot why am i talking like that? i'm still young

they say i'm open, easy to let it flow

maybe with girls, but dudes..that's a different show

there's certain ones that act different, the ones that stay the same

they bring this fuckery talk, they're sooo lame

i'm mad pissed and disgusted with the opposite sex right at this moment

from my mind i wanna do one thing, make men absent

they talk about how they wanna find a ride or die

but then they turn around talk shit, it's like one big lie

how do you expect to find the right one

if you can't look behind you and see the damage you've done?

so what? i'm a softy, at least i can say that

i'm not ashamed of it, point blank

can i help the fact that i'm in touch with my emotions?

can i help that in my mind i like living life in slow motion?

if you can't handle it take it up with my soul

it has everything you'll never get to hold...

- Janelle

Tonight

Hands on me Feel it If there’s something wrong, I’m here to make it feel right Don’t run from it, keep it sight Feel in on our fingertips Little sighs while you grip I want to feel the high, soon as I say go Feels good to let it all show. Wild, crazy, hot, steamy It’s your love that I’m craving Passion & desire It’s all there, spreading like wild fire You see it in my eyes that I want it I see it in your face as you lick your lips Just take your time, ain’t no need for speed Lay me down and just gimme what I need.

- Janelle

I'm Ready

yes you guessed it,

i'm ready to do it, forget all this.

forget about you, and forget your ways,

to tell you the truth, i want more happy days.

ready for sun kissing skin, ready to find what lives within

down to feel what's real. time for myself to heal.

here's the deal...

the key word here is FORGET.

at the same time, i live with no regrets.

everything happens for a reason, it's part of our life plan

it's cool when you have help & someone to lend a hand

people to guide you, show you what's right.

tired of the stress and the sleepless nights.

so i'm ready, i know it's not easy to forget...

i'm going to try and forget you, for my sake.

- Janelle

P.S. i really think this one sucks. :P

Mind Set #9

you didn't seem to care about my happiness, so tell me...why should i care about yours now? why should i even think about your feelings when mine just seem to sit there? hmmm. it seems like you just wanted me to just please your every need and when it came to mine it wasn't nothing new. probably use to chicks feeding you what you desperately need to hear...not me, not anymore. you played me. now you're starting to see what you missing out on maybe. well how would i know, it seems like i never knew you. so you say. tried more then to understand, i tried to connect. i was the one sticking up for you when people thought and said the worst. i would and still would put my life on the line for you. i'm starting to re-think that. yes we created some sort of bond that people wish they could find but it's funny...i thought the course of our friendship over, and i came to realize. i was the most un-happy.

"you don't know a good thing till it's gone..."

my sister used to say that to me all the time. she'd say you'd feel it. i wonder how soon you'll click in. out of all the dudes i been with or liked or whatever, i tried with you the most. showed you what i can do, how things would be if your were with me. basically but my feelings on the line even when my heart was telling me not to. i did it. and look what i ending up with. hurt, pain, hateful thoughts about you and about myself. you said hurtful words. said them without a care at times. i always brushed it off cause i never wanted to fight, especially with a best friend. i mean yeah friends fight but have you ever had a feeling that if you were to fight with someone that they wouldn't be able to handle what you have to say? i mean if i dished out EVERYTHING, you would be flabbergasted.

ever wanted to bare it all?

Love Bill

Taking whatever i gave to you, putting it with the rest of my all.

bottling it up, putting somewhere tall.

so i thought would be best, till he came. he put me to the test.

came and set all butterflies free

gave me a reason to be me.

told me things no one said in a while.

felt so good, felt like i could fly.

don't know what it is but i'm diggin him.

and the chances of me saying i like you again, are real slim.

he gives me greater feelings. better then what i felt for you.

looking back on everything that happened with us, it's like "what did i do?"

you were so caught up, and concerned with wrong.

up to now you think i'm going to be here for long.

those feelings have flown the coop.

have to start fresh and make new roots.

always blamed myself because of your decision.

it's not my fault you had blurred vision.

"Someone might come and take the place i hope for you to fill, but now that my feelings have shifted to different table, i'll leave you with my love bill."

- Janelle

Looking Forward

looking forward.

stupid boy, could have had my heart, but you played around like some kind of guitar. good thing you didn't get my all. maybe the next one will be something better then you could every be to me.

speaking truth.

showed you things that no one ever knew i had in me, but it was never enough for you. you wanted something i wasn't ready to give yet. seems like that's what was more important. like HELLO?! just cause i'm diggin you, doesn't mean i want you diggin in me. feel me? feel like i wasted 11 months on something that would have never popped off cause i didn't "show" you how i felt.

i did more then show. i bared it all out. tried to keep it real from the jump. i can say one thing you helped me with, to stay open when needed.

i feel something for this one now. something that i felt with you but something better. i hope to grow with him without interference from you. seems like you want me to stick with you till i can't love no more. NOOOO! i made a vow that if he's don't showing any REAL signs, time to say bye bye. :D

You were never planning on being something real with me. so why wait for you when you'll never come around?

- Janelle

Falling Down

Chris Brown Inspired...

"It's getting heavy I think I'm bout ready to break down..."

heavy as can be, it's all coming hard like ice in a freezer.
she's in her last, everything else is beneath her...

"Time keeps on tickin on, wish there was a way to slow it down..."

so she finds her break away, lights it, inhales and lays back, the world begins to slip through her fingers. closes her eyes and starts to fabricate, the smoke lingers...

"Someone pick me up, cause I'm fallin down..."

Really? don't bother, falling is better. deep down it would be cool if someone came and actually picked her up, but she knows no one's around. nothing here but the high. it's always here. always found.

"Why is it so easy for you to blame? I'm only human we're all the same "

people always point out your mistakes and everything that is wrong with her. but at the end of the day...they don't see what she really goes though. they always see the outside sketch, never the real picture...

"I've given up everything in exchange for being alone..."

sacrificed her whole life to satisfying people and trying to make them happy, and what does she get? hate, negative vibes, hurtful words and a shit load of abuse in every way possible...

"Sometimes I don't wanna wake up alone. But sometimes I wanna wake up and be on my own. Sometimes I don't wanna walk by your smile. But at the same time I don't wanna let people down..."

too late for all of that, givien up on all facts. she's well fed up of what people think, say, do, whatever. she's trapped in this world and no one can reach her. not even when she's flying. flying through clouds of loneliness and pain. pieces of her soul ripped out everyday. the pieces end up missing. every part of her is missing, so she feels....

...."I'm shaking these demons underneath all the pride...."

What Pride?


- Aubrey

Natural Beauty

natural beauty is not what you can put on your outside, it's what people get from you inside. the real you. pure, plain and simple.

- Aubrey

Aha! Game Over

"Quit Playing Games, This Ain't An Arcade..."

i realized something...too many people play mind games...

i mean some are good or whatever, who doesn't like a good mind-teaser. but what if someone gets hurt? i know some people can't handle things, but some can. at the same time i don't find things fair. especially when it's someone you like. what if they play the mind games, you know they are, but you don't address it. why?

*i know what you're thinking, why didn't the bitch just address it?*

she was scared that's why...

yes that's right, and she's not afraid to say it.

she has issues addressing something to people cause people can't handle what she says.

they always take it to heart. pretty much why she keeps quiet and became a push over. another thing she hates. she's becoming something that she doesn't wanna become.

but she's getting there. getting over certain obstacles, getting over what she got fooled into; love.

she's beginning to open her pretty brown eyes and getting over YOU. yes you. waste.

always bringing her down and breaking her spirit that she tried so hard to build back up from a young age of hurtful words and abuse. she can smile and say: who were you? i'm sorry we haven't met.

;)

- Aubrey

I Thank You

for those who called me ugly, i thank you. not everyday someone comes out of no where and makes me feel like shit. it's not like i don't hear it everyday under people's breathe. y'all just have the balls to say it to my face. respect! :)

for those who called me something negative out of the name my mother gave me, i thank you also. you give me the power to look myself in the mirror and smile.

for those who don't know me and continue to judge me, i thank you. it's cool that you don't know me and have something to say. how real can you get? :)

but for those who always got something positive to say, for those who don't know how to put me down, for those who know what i'm actually going through and that are there for me, the ones that know how to put a real smile on my face, i wanna show you someday how much i really love you. hopefully that day will come soon...

New Side

a new side

maybe

more like the hidden

the wild

the driven

the bonnie with no clyde

who are you

what am i

and where are we?

i like to think in this new side

but you're too blind

something good is here

but i wanna know what it is you fear.

you lock it away

while my new side

decides to show

you block it

while i decided to grow.

damn guess we will never know

but i thank you my side will shine

you'll see it.

trust me. :)

Fresh Start?

i lost my iPod and my USB stick, then did i realized it was gone? yesterday. when was the last time i seen them. i think Monday.

loosing my iPod is whatever, it's the USB stick i'm worried about. everything i ever wrote since grade nine is on that stick, and now it's gone. i have no idea who could have stolen it, i have no clue if it fell out my backpack when i was looking for something. i have no idea HOW it ended up missing. whoever stole my iPod basically wanted the iPod. no idea why since it's like first generation. :S but they had no idea what the were actually taking. everything i knew. my feelings, pretty much a piece of my soul is missing now. everything. gooonnnneeee!

at first i was buggin over the fact that it's gone, but now. it's like maybe i could start over? i mean there's no harm in starting over you know, but like there were some good pieces that i wrote and now i have no way of getting them back cause some where freestyle and i did them on the computer. i told myself to copy them somewhere else so i don't loose them completely. but i lofted so heavy on it all. damn. what if someone finds it, then steals credit, makes money off my shit. how will i sue them? i have no proof it was mine to begin with. :(

i told people how it's gone, they said i should have copied it all down or something. sigh.

well i guess you can call this a fresh start. it's all new shit now.

and i'm coming harder on every last piece i will ever write, STARTING NOW!

- Janelle ♥

Talk Deh Tings Dem. ;)

Janelle Scott-Johnson does having a reputation make you who you are? if no, why do some care so much about it?

Yesterday at 7:40pm · Comment ·

Precious Diamondz and Lifesweet Atkins like this.

Janelle Scott-Johnson

woord!

Yesterday at 10:05pm · Delete

Lifesweet Atkins

i loveeee yout name " ♥

Yesterday at 10:05pm · Delete

Janelle Scott-Johnson

hehe. thank you!

Yesterday at 10:05pm · Delete

Lifesweet Atkins

ur welcome !
only if they understood, what you be talknig bout.

Yesterday at 10:06pm · Delete

Janelle Scott-Johnson

wooord. like shit. i hate when people talk about this shit like "she lost rating..." blahh blahh. like if that person wants to do whatever, it's their preference. why6 does it concern you? and why should it bother you, you know?

straight whack...

Yesterday at 10:07pm · Delete

Lifesweet Atkins

agreed !
- you talk dii things, straight up.

Yesterday at 10:08pm · Delete

Janelle Scott-Johnson

heheh, just speaking my mind. :)

hehe!

Yesterday at 10:09pm · Delete