My New Year Resolution

okay so i decided to make one. *yay....rolls eyes* i got a couple things i want to do this year. i'm really not into doing these things cause i never follow them. but this year will be different. :)

#1: J.O.B. ! can't really get anywhere without cash, something i don't have. neither do i have a social life like i want cause that needs money too. i'm going to break my back looking for one...woord.

#2: Make True & Real Friends. <--- the problem with this is that they're hard to find. all the fake and un-real people over populate which makes these people not seen or go into hiding...

#3: Honesty. with myself especially...this year was full of lies and denial with myself. i deserve better then what i give me. time to treat me better. oh Respect falls under this too.

#4: WEIGHT! aha! yes, i know what your thinking. WTF? hehe! i been tryna gain weight for the longest time. i know i'm not that skinny (so they say) but a little weight won't hurt. :)

#5: Practice singing, writing, dancing, speaking. in order to be the best, try your best, do your best.

#6: PARTY LIFE. make one. it's needed.

#7: Go Into The New Year With This: Forgiveness. why stay mad at old beef or whatever...new year, new beef LMAOO. jokes.

not about beef POINT BLANK. :)

#8: Find Who I Am, Or Get Really Close To Finding Out... i think i'd need to know. time to be really in tuned with myself.

i think that's it....if anything else.

i guess i'll add it.

That's A Little For Now. :)

It's Funny

Hope You're Happy

"i'm sorry Happy doesn't live here

she hasn't for a couple months...

she just up and disappeared

you seemed disappointed...

did Happy have something for you?

Happy had something for everyone, she always alternated.

she spread whatever she had with everyone.. she use to say things like "i did it cause i can"

it was her gift from the man himself, part of her life long plan.

have you met Happy? don't think you have.

you'd have the essence. you seen sad.

you light has fadded, i can tell you're not yourself

and i barely know you, you're not at your best.

i wish i had her number, something like an address.

so you can get back what you lost and stop looking a mess...

you're a beautiful girl, why the long face

what could make you so sad and put you out of place?..."

I started walking away.

with the last few words the lady said made me feel that i didn't wanna stay

a place where the answer to my question used to live made me feel uneasy and brought discomfort

can't believe Happy was here, then decided to abort..

my days just get worse and worse

all cause Happy left me, now i'm feeling cursed...

hope YOU'RE fucking happy...

Mind Set #10

i'm not going to lie, i'm still buggin. sigh, can you really blame me? it was like an infection that got out of hand and now, i'm dead. sappy ass love songs forever playing on my fucking iTunes. i think it's just doing that cause it knows i'm on the brink of bawling un-controllably at any even moment. no matter how many times i skip one song, another just seems to start playing. does the world wanna see me sad right now? God, i just wanna be fucking happy. happy doesn't know this "new" me. the old me would've been happy. shit loads of smiles, giggles and fun. but damn...not here. happy doesn't know this. even if i get the chance to be happy for just the slightest amount of weeks. i think i'll be happy. my birthday is coming up and i'm downer then last year. hooooly. you want something to work so bad cause you never believed in anything for the longest while. finally when it's a fail, (and i hate calling it a fail..) you stop believing in everything along those lines forever. yeah, forever.....okay well maybe not forever but indefinitely...i light that was well dim has died out for sure. not saying that i'm going to be a heartless bitch...but i'm soooo close to it i could taste it. aha!

guess the good thing about this is that maybe i could focus on me and whatever, bad thing is that, that side of me won't be happy...

i need happy...

Am I Loosing My Chance At True Happiness?

she wonders
as she goes through her thoughts and sees her love with another
not knowing what they have going on, she sits there
wondering if he's slipping through her fingers
she waits and sees if he makes a next move with this girl
as she starts to get teary eyes she sits and thinks about what she could have possibly done
for him to seek love in another
she starts crying
her feeling rushes over her like a strong stormy tide
she's overwhelmed
she can’t handle this
she runs out into the light
she catches his eye
wondering what she's doing here, he chases
she's crying out of control
he grabs her
looks at her
sees that she's hurting
wondering why she's crying he asks her what’s wrong
she couldn't look him in the face
she was so distort by seeing him with the girl
he stares at her for a second
seeing the tears stream down her face
he wipes them away
he kisses her
taken back for a second she kisses back
they embrace each other for a moment
then she pushes away
she wants to take a chance and yell it out to him that she loves him
but she seen the way he looked at her
"Does he give me that look?"
He’s puzzled
wondering why she's so resistant
she asks him
“Am I Loosing My Chance at True Happiness?”

Chest Pain

it started a week ago, i thought it was just gas.

i thought it was something small, but the pain wouldn't pass.

but it's something deeper, the broken pieces of my heart are trying to tell me something

show me that this can go two ways: harsh as winter's cold or blissful as rain in spring

keep your eyes on the prize and never back down

show all sides of your personality and stand proud

i'm suffering here, my heart - broken

every dude that came through, left their token

with me it was so many words left unspoken

it's like a gut feeling in my chest, it knew something was going to happen soon

i just let it pass, put it aside cause i thought it was too good to be true...

On Christmas, I'm Missing Her

no friend that i ever had can compare to her

and i know when we see each other again, it will be well worth it for sure

it's been so long since we seen each other

we still manage to have this bond

just wanna see her again in the flesh, maybe i'll be at one

with myself. i need that back

she's the real thing i lack

my pure other half

i wondered for years

"if she comes back, will i be happy again?

will i forget the anger and quit fighting tears?"

i miss her everyday, but just days like this where family and friends should be together is where i miss her most.

old memories haunt me like a ghost.

reminds me when times here good and i was most happy.

i'm stop before this gets sappy.

long story short. every night before i lay my head,

i look out the window and pray that you make your way back to me again. ♥

- Janelle&Aubrey