getting lost in it all...

in that one kiss. just that one kiss.
lost in that wilderness.
the wild, passionate, sensual kiss.
at that moment it’s my everything.
it’s my anything.
he holds me with all his strength, so strong, so big
but he’s kiss is gentle. peaceful. kinda like spring.
takes over me, i embrace it all.

- Aubrey 

Comfort

"hey, do you want me. look at me. stare at me. really look at my naked body and tell me what you see. no, do not turn away, babe. actually look at me..."

two naked beings stand in front of each other and look. using there eyes to read their story. embracing the discomfort for a little while. the awkwardness fades.

"babe, your body is beautiful, you're beautiful. don't hide your eyes from mine. we're looking at us, the real us."

- Aubrey

Life Isn't Always Easy...

Her: hey, i'm here. what did i miss?
not much huh? is he still at his shit again? oh jeeze when will it end?

babe, you with me? it's me... how you feeling? you're tired huh? lemme feel your head, are you hot?
oh babe, you're burning up... lemme get a wet cloth for you...

here, put this on your head and try to get some sleep... i'll be here when you wake up.

*two hours later*
babe, are you sleeping? you're so peaceful when you sleep. i bet you're dreaming those big dreams you usually dream. that's what i love about you. you were never afraid to dream big dreams and then tell the world. never cared what they thought about you. you know that you're my hero in some way right? i hate to admit but you carry these traits that i wish i had in my self... you're one in a million... i'll just lay here next to you until morning..

Him: hey, are you asleep? ... guess so. i had this dream where you were talking to me about how much you admired me? i don't know you would... everyone has this opinion about me and i thought you did too. i hope my dream wasn't a lie because the same things you said you saw in me are the same things i see in you. you're so strong and brave and patient. especially having to deal with me and my outbursts. i now my condition doesn't make me the easiest person to deal with but i want you to know that i'm thankful for you.
i love you. and i mean that. i will always love you. i should be the one taking care of you...

- Aubrey

urgh.

i find my mom sometimes to be a little annoying, especially when it comes to the money i'll be making. i understand she cares or whatever. at the same time, i wanna be able to do things on my own you know? lemme make my money, leave me alone with it. if i need help i'll ask. why can't that be understood?

- Aubrey

i been away yeah? i know, i know

i've been on the tumblr boat. i must say that i like that blog though. it's interesting and  filled with pictures and shit. hah! but this is and always will be my first. it's like tumblr is a loud party and Blogger is what you're going home to. the bed you go to sleep in after that wild party you know. so i guess you can say i'm ready to sleep now. i missed you yeah? lol. ♥

- Aubrey

usually not sober for this long... withdraws kick in slowly.

i used to use all that shit because you acted like you didn’t know me.
you’re attention was needed.
my body, i abused it.
from the inside out, i wanted you to see that beauty.
i wanted you to see that raw truth, your name was written all over it.
so i smoked till i couldn’t see, i drank till my feet were heavy.
i figured since you just “liked” me sober, you’d love me intoxicated.
i was wrong, too blind to see. i wanted you to see me.
i wanted you to feel me, embrace me
most of all i wanted you to love me. but you didn’t. you loved being inside me.
you loved to use me, you mistreated me.

i’m usually not sober for this long, withdraws are kicking in slowly,
i used to use all that shit because you acted like you didn’t know me.
you’re attention was needed.
my body, i abused it.
i don’t know i spent so much time on a love that wasn’t mind.
the pain was more then unkind.
i seemed like the stupid girl who got pissed drunk for attention
when deep down, all i wanted was your affection.
i was destroying me. you probably knew it too.
you could never understand now much i loved you.
i’d do anything you asked within the blink of an eye
but as soon as i fucked up, you said your goodbyes.

jokes on me huh? what a stupid girl
i would have gave this man everything in my fucking world.
the alcohol and the weed did nothing for me, did nothing for us.
in the end, it slowly betrayed our trust…

i’m usually not sober for this long, withdraws are kicking in slowly,
i used to use all that shit because you acted like you didn’t know me.
you’re attention was needed.
but not anymore, no long will you mistreat this.

on the road to recovery…

- Aubrey

Go Away

she’s wearing a light red, oversized hoodie with black lettering which say “go away” in the front, white tights with red rose pattering on her left thigh. white and red Nike shoes and white and red sun glasses, her frames covered half her face. she was walking along Younge street with her head down a little bit, kinda like she knew where she was going but had no rush in getting there. she walked by a little restaurant and looked through the huge glass door. she saw him standing there. she knew he saw her looking so she quickly looked passed him and continued to walk along. knowing him, he spotted out her swag immediately and rushed out the door to catch up to her. she could feel his eyes on her back and she was saying to herself “i hope he doesn’t see me, i hope he doesn’t see me, i hope he really doesn’t see me…” he caught up and said “hey, where you off to? we really need to talk…” she replied with demeanor in her voice “we got nothing to speak about” she held the edges of her shirt and said “you do know how to read right? take my shirts advice…” she brushes passed him and walks without anymore words. before she could take two more steps he grabs her arm, she freezes. “Amber, please?” he says. there’s desperation in his voice. her voice perks up in a sarcastic tone “since i’m in a fantastic mood after yesterday’s bullshit, i’ll give you 20 minutes, i got nothing better nor important to do, at least i can make time…” after this she takes off her frames and rolls her eyes all in one swift motion. relieved he says “thank you, we can head up to pickle barrel, that’s just two minutes from where we’re standing.” “hope you know that’s two minutes gone from the 20…time’s ticking, Niko” she said with a devilish wink. they start to walk, awkward silence. Niko walks behind while Amber walks ahead fast and walking as if Niko was never behind her. “i always wondered why she walked so damn fast all the time, doesn’t her feet ever get tired?” he thought to himself.

they finally get to pickle barrel and get a table seated for two in a little corner in the restaurant. he pulls out a seat for her while she sits in the opposite chair. “chivalry is dead, especially with you so don’t pull that shit out now cause you’re somewhat ‘sorry’. cut the crap, what do you want Niko?” you can hear the irritation in her voice and it was now making him uneasy and nervous. “well i just wanted to tell you how sorry i am and i didn’t mean to forget our special day yesterday, i told you Nikkiyah meant and still means nothing to me, she was just at the wrong place at the wrong time” “oh come on Niko, you know damn well she always does something like this, she’s fucking everywhere” Amber’s voice began to wise out of anger over Niko’s explanation. “if she’s not at your work, she’s dropping by your place, if not there she’s driving by my work… this chick lives all the way in Brampton and seems to find her way down here huh? it seems like you like all this attention she’s giving you… what am i not giving you enough? or are you bored?” she pauses and tears start flooding her eyes. she hides her face with her hands and sweater sleeves. “what more can i give you to realize that’s it’s always been you Amb? i’m trying right now. i’m showing you that i’m trying, forget her, she ain’t shit to me, just another chick who needs to find herself before she can have anyone else. she’s not gonna have me. i’m already somewhere else. Amb i want you” in an instant she looked up at him, her eyes warm and her face was a deep brown. that her body’s way of saying she’s blushing. he smiles, she smiles and makes eye contact from time to time. “see babe, i know you. you get all gitty and shy when you blush.” he says while whipping away her tears.

she gets up from her seat and looks towards the door. “oh give me a fucking break.” she shoots up the finger. it’s Nikkiyah. she opens the door and points in their direction. “oh no.” Niko says and rubs the back of his head with his hand. Nikkiyah walks over. smiling from ear to ear. she’s wearing tall black high heel bots with white skinnys. a Canadian goose jacket and a beanie covering her long 22 inch weave. “well, well, well. surprised to see you guys here…together. Niko, i thought i told you that i was gonna be late and expected you alone?” Amber quickly turned to Niko and slapped him with all her left-over energy. “well it looks like you 20 minutes not only have been cut short by miss prissy over here, it seems we have a liar amongst the three of us and God knows it isn’t me.” Niko holds his face and looks at Amber dead in her eyes. “Amber i wouldn’t, Amber you know me, don’t you?” “i don’t know what i know about you anymore.” she looks over at Nikkiyah whose still smiling like she’s at comedy central and says “well i’ll give you one thing, you fight for what you want but take a look at all the damage you leave behind. i wouldn’t be surprised if Karma ends up sleeping with him while your gone…” “she already has little miss, who do you think i am?” “Nikkiyah laughs “don’t play with big bitches when you’re still a puppy. now i know you aren’t a stupid mutt are you?” Amber holds her tongue and begins to walk to the door. “and thanks for keeping my seat warm.” Nikkiyah’s last words pierce through Amber. A pain she has never felt before and it’s over-whelming. she begins to run to the door. “why do you fuck with weak ass bitches Nik? Nikkiyah says facing Niko. “i think i stopped doing that when i stopped fucking with you” Niko snaps back. “then why are you still standing here when your so called “love of you life runs out on you…again…?” Niko still standing here couldn’t find the answers to the question being shot at him by a girl he wishes flew out the country and left him alone for good. he wanted to run after her, but it dawned on him that from his grip he’s losing the best thing that could have ever happened to him, he didn’t know what do to. “you’re last chance babyboy, i bet she’s already by college station by now…” Nikkiyah was now being annoying. she takes a seat and looks through the menu. he slaps her menu down scaring here “you know, i life it when you get aggressive, it’s something that always turned me on about you” she shots him a smile while she tries touching his face but he grabs her hand in mid air. with anger in his eyes and voice he says to her “i don’t know how much clearer i have to be with you Kiyah but listen, i don’t want you. i want Amber, i always have and i will for a very long time. you showing up places to freak her out or make her insecure stops today, if not you won’t like my visit. trust. when i was with you i made it clear what i wanted and i thought we had an understanding. it’s obvious you never had someone like me. if i hear your name again come out of Amber’s mouth, i swear on my mothers grave you’ll be seriously sorry, am i making myself clear?” Nikkiyah’s facial expression said that we was clear but wanted to push his buttons but knew now wouldn’t be a great time. “whatever you say Niko, guess she’s something special huh?” ”more special than you can ever understand. you’re too busy being vindictive and destructive that you have no time to look on the brighter things in life. you should start, maybe then you’ll be happy…” he replied back. “why don’t you buy yourself something to drink? you’re looking kinda thirsty…” with that being said he runs out after Amber.

Nikkiyah whispers to herself “you’re the only one that could satisfy my thirst…” 

Soul Food

let the past be the past, the future is what you make it.

i'm here, all here. bare with me, i knew time, i took a bit.

i let down my walls, my emotions are on the line and for this, i swear i'll take all the time.

i'm here, i always am, i will be and forever yours but..

deep down there's a void to be filled.

a cavity that needs to be fixed.

i was never about the tricks.

i'm writing this to refresh you. to give you this as a token of my kindness to you.

my love is unconditional and my kindness is not my weakness.

i'm trying to give you, what you'll never grow use to.

this isn't from the heart...it's from the soul

all you need is a little Soul Food...

It's Over

i just can't deal anymore.
i wanna sleep, i wanna eat. i wanna be able to cope. i wanna function like i used to. i seriously want to forget you.
i don't wanna be friends, heck i don't even want to talk to you now. you are what i like to call SELFISH.
yeeep. and i'm using it in direct CONTEXT. at least i know how to use words and not throw them around. well i wouldn't know how you use words. heck i probably don't even know the real you. that's one thing i can't deal with. your scared for what? to let me in? you think keeping up these walls is going to make you a better person? it's just hiding your true self from the world. but that's OKAAY! because i'm at my brim now. i'm fed up. i'm tired. you drained me. used me up until there was nothing else. funny how i knew this was gonna happen. i saw it. but i let it play out cause i wanted to see if it would change. i guess not. i just put myself up for more hurt and pain from someone who said they were going to protect me from it... so much for that.

all i asked was realness and honesty. guess it was too hard to come by. that's all you asked of me. i gave it to you. on a fucking silver platter too. you were on me so much for not being completely honest with you. and now look. then you wonder why i give so much attitude and have anger towards you. it's because you're just...not seeing the big picture. why am i even bothering to vent? real bitches stick around. that's how you know they're hearts big enough for two. i'm finding it extremely hard to forgive you this time. all the other times is because...well i don't know because. i just did so there was no bad blood.

the thing that really burns the most is that now if you were to even spill out shit like you did before. i might not even take in what you said let alone believe you. sucks cause you basically lost my trust. i never thought i'd live to see this day... sad, sad, sad.

- Aubrey

Hope It's A Soft One...

did i really let my self down?

or was this some kind of lesson in a cloud?

looking through old things, old thoughts, old me.

i drifted so far away, i'm really thinking "how can this be?"

this isn't want i asked for nor did i want this.

but again this is life, i guess i gotta now live with it.

it's just that, it's something i never expected from me, it got too far

i have now pushed the old one down and raised a new barthey say with growth sometimes comes change and understanding.

but i'm now falling, just waiting on that landing... 

A Change.

how did it feel to have a body laying next to you
a girl who loved you and would always pull though
to take in her scent, to hold on to her body
to feel every inch of her ocean, without it being something naughty
to have her there all night long just laying there, her mind all too strong?
you went there again, you did it. but this time to sticked around though it
even in the end you stayed with her while her thoughts raced on what happened.
you did was a real man should... you made her feel somewhat comfortable.
made her forgot about the world and her problems.
even with the ball you thought she'd fumble but she made her way through
cause on that ball, her name was written right next to you.
the true meaning of her love is written inside her soul
but she's too afraid to even let it show
she's been down that road with you and it's cause her a great deal of stress
but with you she finds it worth it

you're something like a best friend...


- Aubrey

one of those nights.

telling me the sky's the limit.
my team basically has no limit
so we ain't in the same page, i'm way ahead of my time
gifted, poetic and true, lemme spit this one rhyme
for your ears to eat, let the mind speak
truthful ways, no sinful ways
keep that dirty haze off this deep phase
let the light shine free, body continue to speak
feel and know, that it's our tim to grow...

- Aubrey

Beach Days.

it's like laying in the warm sand while the sun beams down on you making you feel...
relaxed, beautiful, toasty.
you're my sunshine on that beach, this is how you make me feel.

Killer...

it was blaring through the trunk speakers.
i used to hate it when you sang it to me...well so i made it seem.
when deep down i was feeling it every got-damn time.
i wanted you to sing it over and over and over again.
"i'm a mutha fucking KILLER"
ahh especially since your voice is just the right tone of deepness...wooo given me chills.
who knows of you'll ever sing that song ever again to me...but remembering it was pleasant.

just have this sense of giving up on something i been chasing for so long, i'm used to chasing and getting what i want...but this time it was different. i ended up with something yes...but it wasn't anything more anyhow. i still appreciate the fact that i got you anyways... :)

my love for my other half knows no bounders... ♥

- Aubrey Hope-Lynn Winter.

Seek No More...

thoughts racing, tension collides

and i’m doing this all with my wide eyes

why the fuck do they begin to flood, the the fuck do i begin to bleed

this is what i’m craving for, this is what i need

lay down, LAY DOWN, just put your body flat out

i do it every time cause i have no doubt

NO, I WANT THIS…I FUCKING WANT THIS.

am i fucking twisted? i barely even tasted it

right there, right there. my word it’s right there

it slipped away now…too complicated to bare

i’m going nuts over it…wanting, needing…

but forget it all now, the one i was seeking….

i seek no more….

Deep Thought...

so i'm laying there. tears linger in my eyes. they do not fall
the floor is cold but from i can make there's a warmth coming from in between my legs.
what's done is done. many times before have a felt this feeling.
am i annoyed by this feeling? no. it's whatever
that's how i'm looking at "this" as a whatever thing
but i shouldn't be...basically what's left of my innocence is on the line here...
they come in all the time. having me feel no ways when in comes down to it now..
i'm out of sync...my hormones are basically kinda calm, but ready to bounce...
this is a part of growing up right? just basically brushing off what little girls would make such a big deal over. nahh... not me...so why do i lay on the icy floor, eyes all glossy just feeling this warmth?

i'm in deep thought.

if i got all if it out right now..i think we'd be here for days...

- Aubrey

Herself...Is Missing

she sits, in dark with dim, next to nothing light
tears fill her eyes like rain in plain site
she's hurting, never letting go of the pain
she relives it all over again
it can't escape her, if you really think about it it's all she ever knew
abuse, it began to grow, she knows it's true
she wasn't to erase, but she knows this time it isn't paper
and the reason she thinks this all happened is because her blood hates her
it runs threw her, so she leaks it
she can't stand it, so from her soul she bleeps it
for a little while though, but just like snow storm, it comes to brighten her up
this is reality though, what is it doing right now...literally cuttin her up
no one knows the true feelings as to what plays in her insides.
but what more can she do...all she ever does is cry
her friends, hate seeing her like this, but there's little they feel they can do or say
and she can't control herself anymore...anything they say makes her snap this way
she cries till she can't breathe
screams till there's no voice
but her feelings think "does she really have a choice"
everything comes hard, hits her faster then bullets
she thought everything will ease up...until this
she's losing...the battle
herself...is missing

can anybody out there see her?
cause she can't seem to see herself anymore....

Morning Verse...

given up on me. yea i seem to think so.

nothing worst then this low blow

it's a no go, no where to put my words

since basically all my crap is for the birds.

haha. seem to try, seem to figure

nothing feels better right then pullin the trigger

then have it left to linger

on all of your shoulders.

they say "this is just part of life, you're getting older"

ya yea life a game to me. just gotta fight it.

all these wrongs i gotta right them.

all these chains i gotta break them.

all this pain, can you take them?

funny how they're right there but they feel so far away.

guess i'm truly on my own now, no one is ment here to stay...

thanks for giving up on me..

- Hope

something i do i guess.

his brother called me “Hope” cause i brought it to the team

so now i gotta bring it, make it come out like how it seems

the difference between getting money and getting creamed is

the part where you lose and the moment where you drop the bizz

i’m shy i know, building stacks? hell no…

but i’m getting there, steady, tryna show them that i’m ready

to do this, do me…let go of all this misery

cut off all the stress, no more hide behind the shadows

this is Aubrey, your Hope, which i hold… 

Best Friends Last Forever Or Not?

minds racing and thoughts of intoxication fill the air.
straight to the face...she beats that juice. compared to her, the bottle was no fool. it knew what it was down for.
she sat there, reading, trying to keep composure. "i'm coming over.."
yea, spilling over...down the hatch it goes. "swim through my blood stream." nasty father habits.
she gets the text "i'm downstairs.."
the walk of shame is about to begin, but she can't forget her best friend for the night, her bottle.
grey goose to be exact. gulps before she hits the stairs.
what a site to see has she goes down the stairs.
surprising herself, she didn't even fall, feeling kinda accomplished she hits the last set of stairs, opens the door.
sexiest car amongst the rest, she spots it out like wild fire.
she begins to walk over to the whip.
with best friend in hand she sees more then one face on the car.
she can make out three but the last one...i face never seen before.
pretty yes.
so his type...anger builds...unexplainable.
she waves...the wave was limp and filled with death.
she gulps like it's nothing. whips her lips. looks at the bottle, it's almost done...
she can't believe. she feels her legs will fail from below her.
he steps out the car when she gets closer...he smells the alcohol on her breath and what shocked.
"hey how you doing? how was your night? bet is was nice eh? i bet it really was" she shoots him a smile
"why? what are you doing?" he says...
but means it in a way she could pick up.
"i'm doing not a thing...getting to know my best friend more. wanna meet her? she's sweet. in all ways. i bet like what's her face in the car....bitch" she's now loosing it. not understanding why all this is coming out...
after all...there's no feelings here...is there?

he's not flaming mad.
makes a couple calls while she stand there, finishing the bottle...
a car pulls up and someone comes out of it...
he throws them the keys.
"take them home then drop the car back, i have the extra key. imma stay here for a while."
points at her and her best friend.
the man nods and drives away.
he grabs her...searches her pockets and grabs her keys...they walk to the entrance to her staircase.
"what am i? a criminal? why you bothering on staying...don't you have to get back to your bitch? i'm sure she waiting on that juicy dick of yours"
with her free hand she grabs his package...
he pushes her up against the door
"i understand you're drunk, so what you say right now will not get taken serious..."
she's irritated...everything is moving slow but his words are hitting her like she's in a boxing match...
"whatever, just know i can handle my own, i don't need you"
he's opening the door while she begins to hum
"does he know what he did, turn my heart into flames?" then her best friend to her face...
"is that so?" he says to himself....
she screams...FUCK YOU!
he laughs grabs her and they make a trip up the stairs
"you know all that substance is bad?"
he says in concern
"oh so now you care about my well being...such a joke you are...guess that's why i love you." she winks at him
finally get to the top stairs...she throws up over the staircase. then whips her face
"there goes the neighborhood" best friend greets her face again
he grew tired seeing her and her "best friend" make kissy face...he grabs the fucking bottle and pours the rest over the staircase.
"all gone...best friends don't always last forever"
she says "well lucky us"

get to the door and he smells the house...guess that's not the only bottle she made best friends with.
the house tells a story of pain and heartache. he didn't know how to feel. looked at her and felt a pain he never felt. he felt sorry for he's first love...she's throwing herself away all because of his actions, he felt he didn't know what more to do...but for right now he had to be there for her. he helped her get out of her vomit clothes, bathed her, lotion her, listen to her shit talk from "i'll kill you" to "i want your kids" to "sorry excuse for man" to "you mean the world to me" she said it all.

finally got her P.J.'s on and waited till she fell asleep.
she kept humming what one song from time to time.
"distant lover...so far away. dream of him, since that day..."
"what song do you continue to hum?"
she replies "Trey Songz - Does She Know...I changed the He's to She's, cause i can relate"
he watches her...after she said that and begins to watch her does off, still trying to keep up with the song...
he's thinking while he could be with her he's here taking care of his best friend.
he starts to think of the time he was in trouble like that over a girl he was talking to...
he looks at her again
"you were always there for me...now i guess it's my turn...even if it is my fault...i'm sorry"
he turns over on the other side of the bed they were laying on...

she opens her eyes and says..."it's about time you started realizing shit..."