Aubrey's Little Things

getting lost in it all...

2012-01-21T00:31:00.001-05:00

in that one kiss. just that one kiss.
lost in that wilderness.
the wild, passionate, sensual kiss.
at that moment it’s my everything.
it’s my anything.
he holds me with all his strength, so strong, so big
but he’s kiss is gentle. peaceful. kinda like spring.
takes over me, i embrace it all.

- Aubrey

Comfort

2012-01-05T17:02:00.001-05:00

"hey, do you want me. look at me. stare at me. really look at my naked body and tell me what you see. no, do not turn away, babe. actually look at me..."

two naked beings stand in front of each other and look. using there eyes to read their story. embracing the discomfort for a little while. the awkwardness fades.

"babe, your body is beautiful, you're beautiful. don't hide your eyes from mine. we're looking at us, the real us."

- Aubrey

Life Isn't Always Easy...

2012-01-04T18:47:00.001-05:00

Her: hey, i'm here. what did i miss?
not much huh? is he still at his shit again? oh jeeze when will it end?

babe, you with me? it's me... how you feeling? you're tired huh? lemme feel your head, are you hot?
oh babe, you're burning up... lemme get a wet cloth for you...

here, put this on your head and try to get some sleep... i'll be here when you wake up.

*two hours later*
babe, are you sleeping? you're so peaceful when you sleep. i bet you're dreaming those big dreams you usually dream. that's what i love about you. you were never afraid to dream big dreams and then tell the world. never cared what they thought about you. you know that you're my hero in some way right? i hate to admit but you carry these traits that i wish i had in my self... you're one in a million... i'll just lay here next to you until morning..

Him: hey, are you asleep? ... guess so. i had this dream where you were talking to me about how much you admired me? i don't know you would... everyone has this opinion about me and i thought you did too. i hope my dream wasn't a lie because the same things you said you saw in me are the same things i see in you. you're so strong and brave and patient. especially having to deal with me and my outbursts. i now my condition doesn't make me the easiest person to deal with but i want you to know that i'm thankful for you.
i love you. and i mean that. i will always love you. i should be the one taking care of you...

- Aubrey

urgh.

2011-10-24T17:31:00.000-04:00

i find my mom sometimes to be a little annoying, especially when it comes to the money i'll be making. i understand she cares or whatever. at the same time, i wanna be able to do things on my own you know? lemme make my money, leave me alone with it. if i need help i'll ask. why can't that be understood?

- Aubrey

i been away yeah? i know, i know

2011-10-21T04:42:00.000-04:00

i've been on the tumblr boat. i must say that i like that blog though. it's interesting and filled with pictures and shit. hah! but this is and always will be my first. it's like tumblr is a loud party and Blogger is what you're going home to. the bed you go to sleep in after that wild party you know. so i guess you can say i'm ready to sleep now. i missed you yeah? lol. ♥

- Aubrey

usually not sober for this long... withdraws kick in slowly.

2011-10-21T04:40:00.001-04:00

i used to use all that shit because you acted like you didn’t know me.
you’re attention was needed.
my body, i abused it.
from the inside out, i wanted you to see that beauty.
i wanted you to see that raw truth, your name was written all over it.
so i smoked till i couldn’t see, i drank till my feet were heavy.
i figured since you just “liked” me sober, you’d love me intoxicated.
i was wrong, too blind to see. i wanted you to see me.
i wanted you to feel me, embrace me
most of all i wanted you to love me. but you didn’t. you loved being inside me.
you loved to use me, you mistreated me.

i’m usually not sober for this long, withdraws are kicking in slowly,
i used to use all that shit because you acted like you didn’t know me.
you’re attention was needed.
my body, i abused it.
i don’t know i spent so much time on a love that wasn’t mind.
the pain was more then unkind.
i seemed like the stupid girl who got pissed drunk for attention
when deep down, all i wanted was your affection.
i was destroying me. you probably knew it too.
you could never understand now much i loved you.
i’d do anything you asked within the blink of an eye
but as soon as i fucked up, you said your goodbyes.

jokes on me huh? what a stupid girl
i would have gave this man everything in my fucking world.
the alcohol and the weed did nothing for me, did nothing for us.
in the end, it slowly betrayed our trust…

i’m usually not sober for this long, withdraws are kicking in slowly,
i used to use all that shit because you acted like you didn’t know me.
you’re attention was needed.
but not anymore, no long will you mistreat this.

on the road to recovery…

- Aubrey

Go Away

2011-01-25T17:53:00.002-05:00

she’s wearing a light red, oversized hoodie with black lettering which say “go away” in the front, white tights with red rose pattering on her left thigh. white and red Nike shoes and white and red sun glasses, her frames covered half her face. she was walking along Younge street with her head down a little bit, kinda like she knew where she was going but had no rush in getting there. she walked by a little restaurant and looked through the huge glass door. she saw him standing there. she knew he saw her looking so she quickly looked passed him and continued to walk along. knowing him, he spotted out her swag immediately and rushed out the door to catch up to her. she could feel his eyes on her back and she was saying to herself “i hope he doesn’t see me, i hope he doesn’t see me, i hope he really doesn’t see me…” he caught up and said “hey, where you off to? we really need to talk…” she replied with demeanor in her voice “we got nothing to speak about” she held the edges of her shirt and said “you do know how to read right? take my shirts advice…” she brushes passed him and walks without anymore words. before she could take two more steps he grabs her arm, she freezes. “Amber, please?” he says. there’s desperation in his voice. her voice perks up in a sarcastic tone “since i’m in a fantastic mood after yesterday’s bullshit, i’ll give you 20 minutes, i got nothing better nor important to do, at least i can make time…” after this she takes off her frames and rolls her eyes all in one swift motion. relieved he says “thank you, we can head up to pickle barrel, that’s just two minutes from where we’re standing.” “hope you know that’s two minutes gone from the 20…time’s ticking, Niko” she said with a devilish wink. they start to walk, awkward silence. Niko walks behind while Amber walks ahead fast and walking as if Niko was never behind her. “i always wondered why she walked so damn fast all the time, doesn’t her feet ever get tired?” he thought to himself.

they finally get to pickle barrel and get a table seated for two in a little corner in the restaurant. he pulls out a seat for her while she sits in the opposite chair. “chivalry is dead, especially with you so don’t pull that shit out now cause you’re somewhat ‘sorry’. cut the crap, what do you want Niko?” you can hear the irritation in her voice and it was now making him uneasy and nervous. “well i just wanted to tell you how sorry i am and i didn’t mean to forget our special day yesterday, i told you Nikkiyah meant and still means nothing to me, she was just at the wrong place at the wrong time” “oh come on Niko, you know damn well she always does something like this, she’s fucking everywhere” Amber’s voice began to wise out of anger over Niko’s explanation. “if she’s not at your work, she’s dropping by your place, if not there she’s driving by my work… this chick lives all the way in Brampton and seems to find her way down here huh? it seems like you like all this attention she’s giving you… what am i not giving you enough? or are you bored?” she pauses and tears start flooding her eyes. she hides her face with her hands and sweater sleeves. “what more can i give you to realize that’s it’s always been you Amb? i’m trying right now. i’m showing you that i’m trying, forget her, she ain’t shit to me, just another chick who needs to find herself before she can have anyone else. she’s not gonna have me. i’m already somewhere else. Amb i want you” in an instant she looked up at him, her eyes warm and her face was a deep brown. that her body’s way of saying she’s blushing. he smiles, she smiles and makes eye contact from time to time. “see babe, i know you. you get all gitty and shy when you blush.” he says while whipping away her tears.

she gets up from her seat and looks towards the door. “oh give me a fucking break.” she shoots up the finger. it’s Nikkiyah. she opens the door and points in their direction. “oh no.” Niko says and rubs the back of his head with his hand. Nikkiyah walks over. smiling from ear to ear. she’s wearing tall black high heel bots with white skinnys. a Canadian goose jacket and a beanie covering her long 22 inch weave. “well, well, well. surprised to see you guys here…together. Niko, i thought i told you that i was gonna be late and expected you alone?” Amber quickly turned to Niko and slapped him with all her left-over energy. “well it looks like you 20 minutes not only have been cut short by miss prissy over here, it seems we have a liar amongst the three of us and God knows it isn’t me.” Niko holds his face and looks at Amber dead in her eyes. “Amber i wouldn’t, Amber you know me, don’t you?” “i don’t know what i know about you anymore.” she looks over at Nikkiyah whose still smiling like she’s at comedy central and says “well i’ll give you one thing, you fight for what you want but take a look at all the damage you leave behind. i wouldn’t be surprised if Karma ends up sleeping with him while your gone…” “she already has little miss, who do you think i am?” “Nikkiyah laughs “don’t play with big bitches when you’re still a puppy. now i know you aren’t a stupid mutt are you?” Amber holds her tongue and begins to walk to the door. “and thanks for keeping my seat warm.” Nikkiyah’s last words pierce through Amber. A pain she has never felt before and it’s over-whelming. she begins to run to the door. “why do you fuck with weak ass bitches Nik? Nikkiyah says facing Niko. “i think i stopped doing that when i stopped fucking with you” Niko snaps back. “then why are you still standing here when your so called “love of you life runs out on you…again…?” Niko still standing here couldn’t find the answers to the question being shot at him by a girl he wishes flew out the country and left him alone for good. he wanted to run after her, but it dawned on him that from his grip he’s losing the best thing that could have ever happened to him, he didn’t know what do to. “you’re last chance babyboy, i bet she’s already by college station by now…” Nikkiyah was now being annoying. she takes a seat and looks through the menu. he slaps her menu down scaring here “you know, i life it when you get aggressive, it’s something that always turned me on about you” she shots him a smile while she tries touching his face but he grabs her hand in mid air. with anger in his eyes and voice he says to her “i don’t know how much clearer i have to be with you Kiyah but listen, i don’t want you. i want Amber, i always have and i will for a very long time. you showing up places to freak her out or make her insecure stops today, if not you won’t like my visit. trust. when i was with you i made it clear what i wanted and i thought we had an understanding. it’s obvious you never had someone like me. if i hear your name again come out of Amber’s mouth, i swear on my mothers grave you’ll be seriously sorry, am i making myself clear?” Nikkiyah’s facial expression said that we was clear but wanted to push his buttons but knew now wouldn’t be a great time. “whatever you say Niko, guess she’s something special huh?” ”more special than you can ever understand. you’re too busy being vindictive and destructive that you have no time to look on the brighter things in life. you should start, maybe then you’ll be happy…” he replied back. “why don’t you buy yourself something to drink? you’re looking kinda thirsty…” with that being said he runs out after Amber.

Nikkiyah whispers to herself “you’re the only one that could satisfy my thirst…”

Soul Food

2011-01-02T21:56:00.001-05:00

let the past be the past, the future is what you make it.

i'm here, all here. bare with me, i knew time, i took a bit.

i let down my walls, my emotions are on the line and for this, i swear i'll take all the time.

i'm here, i always am, i will be and forever yours but..

deep down there's a void to be filled.

a cavity that needs to be fixed.

i was never about the tricks.

i'm writing this to refresh you. to give you this as a token of my kindness to you.

my love is unconditional and my kindness is not my weakness.

i'm trying to give you, what you'll never grow use to.

this isn't from the heart...it's from the soul

all you need is a little Soul Food...

It's Over

2010-12-28T12:04:00.000-05:00

i just can't deal anymore.
i wanna sleep, i wanna eat. i wanna be able to cope. i wanna function like i used to. i seriously want to forget you.
i don't wanna be friends, heck i don't even want to talk to you now. you are what i like to call SELFISH.
yeeep. and i'm using it in direct CONTEXT. at least i know how to use words and not throw them around. well i wouldn't know how you use words. heck i probably don't even know the real you. that's one thing i can't deal with. your scared for what? to let me in? you think keeping up these walls is going to make you a better person? it's just hiding your true self from the world. but that's OKAAY! because i'm at my brim now. i'm fed up. i'm tired. you drained me. used me up until there was nothing else. funny how i knew this was gonna happen. i saw it. but i let it play out cause i wanted to see if it would change. i guess not. i just put myself up for more hurt and pain from someone who said they were going to protect me from it... so much for that.

all i asked was realness and honesty. guess it was too hard to come by. that's all you asked of me. i gave it to you. on a fucking silver platter too. you were on me so much for not being completely honest with you. and now look. then you wonder why i give so much attitude and have anger towards you. it's because you're just...not seeing the big picture. why am i even bothering to vent? real bitches stick around. that's how you know they're hearts big enough for two. i'm finding it extremely hard to forgive you this time. all the other times is because...well i don't know because. i just did so there was no bad blood.

the thing that really burns the most is that now if you were to even spill out shit like you did before. i might not even take in what you said let alone believe you. sucks cause you basically lost my trust. i never thought i'd live to see this day... sad, sad, sad.

- Aubrey

Hope It's A Soft One...

2010-12-24T01:41:00.000-05:00

did i really let my self down?

or was this some kind of lesson in a cloud?

looking through old things, old thoughts, old me.

i drifted so far away, i'm really thinking "how can this be?"

this isn't want i asked for nor did i want this.

but again this is life, i guess i gotta now live with it.

it's just that, it's something i never expected from me, it got too far

i have now pushed the old one down and raised a new barthey say with growth sometimes comes change and understanding.

but i'm now falling, just waiting on that landing...

A Change.

2010-12-19T04:18:00.001-05:00

how did it feel to have a body laying next to you
a girl who loved you and would always pull though
to take in her scent, to hold on to her body
to feel every inch of her ocean, without it being something naughty
to have her there all night long just laying there, her mind all too strong?
you went there again, you did it. but this time to sticked around though it
even in the end you stayed with her while her thoughts raced on what happened.
you did was a real man should... you made her feel somewhat comfortable.
made her forgot about the world and her problems.
even with the ball you thought she'd fumble but she made her way through
cause on that ball, her name was written right next to you.
the true meaning of her love is written inside her soul
but she's too afraid to even let it show
she's been down that road with you and it's cause her a great deal of stress
but with you she finds it worth it

you're something like a best friend...

- Aubrey

one of those nights.

2010-12-19T04:06:00.002-05:00

telling me the sky's the limit.
my team basically has no limit
so we ain't in the same page, i'm way ahead of my time
gifted, poetic and true, lemme spit this one rhyme
for your ears to eat, let the mind speak
truthful ways, no sinful ways
keep that dirty haze off this deep phase
let the light shine free, body continue to speak
feel and know, that it's our tim to grow...

- Aubrey

Beach Days.

2010-11-29T22:54:00.000-05:00

it's like laying in the warm sand while the sun beams down on you making you feel...
relaxed, beautiful, toasty.
you're my sunshine on that beach, this is how you make me feel.

Killer...

2010-11-04T22:15:00.000-04:00

it was blaring through the trunk speakers.
i used to hate it when you sang it to me...well so i made it seem.
when deep down i was feeling it every got-damn time.
i wanted you to sing it over and over and over again.
"i'm a mutha fucking KILLER"
ahh especially since your voice is just the right tone of deepness...wooo given me chills.
who knows of you'll ever sing that song ever again to me...but remembering it was pleasant.

just have this sense of giving up on something i been chasing for so long, i'm used to chasing and getting what i want...but this time it was different. i ended up with something yes...but it wasn't anything more anyhow. i still appreciate the fact that i got you anyways... :)

my love for my other half knows no bounders... ♥

- Aubrey Hope-Lynn Winter.

Seek No More...

2010-10-13T21:27:00.002-04:00

thoughts racing, tension collides

and i’m doing this all with my wide eyes

why the fuck do they begin to flood, the the fuck do i begin to bleed

this is what i’m craving for, this is what i need

lay down, LAY DOWN, just put your body flat out

i do it every time cause i have no doubt

NO, I WANT THIS…I FUCKING WANT THIS.

am i fucking twisted? i barely even tasted it

right there, right there. my word it’s right there

it slipped away now…too complicated to bare

i’m going nuts over it…wanting, needing…

but forget it all now, the one i was seeking….

i seek no more….

Deep Thought...

2010-10-11T17:58:00.001-04:00

so i'm laying there. tears linger in my eyes. they do not fall
the floor is cold but from i can make there's a warmth coming from in between my legs.
what's done is done. many times before have a felt this feeling.
am i annoyed by this feeling? no. it's whatever
that's how i'm looking at "this" as a whatever thing
but i shouldn't be...basically what's left of my innocence is on the line here...
they come in all the time. having me feel no ways when in comes down to it now..
i'm out of sync...my hormones are basically kinda calm, but ready to bounce...
this is a part of growing up right? just basically brushing off what little girls would make such a big deal over. nahh... not me...so why do i lay on the icy floor, eyes all glossy just feeling this warmth?

i'm in deep thought.

if i got all if it out right now..i think we'd be here for days...

- Aubrey

Herself...Is Missing

2010-10-08T00:07:00.001-04:00

she sits, in dark with dim, next to nothing light
tears fill her eyes like rain in plain site
she's hurting, never letting go of the pain
she relives it all over again
it can't escape her, if you really think about it it's all she ever knew
abuse, it began to grow, she knows it's true
she wasn't to erase, but she knows this time it isn't paper
and the reason she thinks this all happened is because her blood hates her
it runs threw her, so she leaks it
she can't stand it, so from her soul she bleeps it
for a little while though, but just like snow storm, it comes to brighten her up
this is reality though, what is it doing right now...literally cuttin her up
no one knows the true feelings as to what plays in her insides.
but what more can she do...all she ever does is cry
her friends, hate seeing her like this, but there's little they feel they can do or say
and she can't control herself anymore...anything they say makes her snap this way
she cries till she can't breathe
screams till there's no voice
but her feelings think "does she really have a choice"
everything comes hard, hits her faster then bullets
she thought everything will ease up...until this
she's losing...the battle
herself...is missing

can anybody out there see her?
cause she can't seem to see herself anymore....

Morning Verse...

2010-10-04T07:30:00.002-04:00

given up on me. yea i seem to think so.

nothing worst then this low blow

it's a no go, no where to put my words

since basically all my crap is for the birds.

haha. seem to try, seem to figure

nothing feels better right then pullin the trigger

then have it left to linger

on all of your shoulders.

they say "this is just part of life, you're getting older"

ya yea life a game to me. just gotta fight it.

all these wrongs i gotta right them.

all these chains i gotta break them.

all this pain, can you take them?

funny how they're right there but they feel so far away.

guess i'm truly on my own now, no one is ment here to stay...

thanks for giving up on me..

- Hope

something i do i guess.

2010-09-30T22:38:00.001-04:00

his brother called me “Hope” cause i brought it to the team

so now i gotta bring it, make it come out like how it seems

the difference between getting money and getting creamed is

the part where you lose and the moment where you drop the bizz

i’m shy i know, building stacks? hell no…

but i’m getting there, steady, tryna show them that i’m ready

to do this, do me…let go of all this misery

cut off all the stress, no more hide behind the shadows

this is Aubrey, your Hope, which i hold…

Best Friends Last Forever Or Not?

2010-09-19T01:03:00.000-04:00

minds racing and thoughts of intoxication fill the air.
straight to the face...she beats that juice. compared to her, the bottle was no fool. it knew what it was down for.
she sat there, reading, trying to keep composure. "i'm coming over.."
yea, spilling over...down the hatch it goes. "swim through my blood stream." nasty father habits.
she gets the text "i'm downstairs.."
the walk of shame is about to begin, but she can't forget her best friend for the night, her bottle.
grey goose to be exact. gulps before she hits the stairs.
what a site to see has she goes down the stairs.
surprising herself, she didn't even fall, feeling kinda accomplished she hits the last set of stairs, opens the door.
sexiest car amongst the rest, she spots it out like wild fire.
she begins to walk over to the whip.
with best friend in hand she sees more then one face on the car.
she can make out three but the last one...i face never seen before.
pretty yes.
so his type...anger builds...unexplainable.
she waves...the wave was limp and filled with death.
she gulps like it's nothing. whips her lips. looks at the bottle, it's almost done...
she can't believe. she feels her legs will fail from below her.
he steps out the car when she gets closer...he smells the alcohol on her breath and what shocked.
"hey how you doing? how was your night? bet is was nice eh? i bet it really was" she shoots him a smile
"why? what are you doing?" he says...
but means it in a way she could pick up.
"i'm doing not a thing...getting to know my best friend more. wanna meet her? she's sweet. in all ways. i bet like what's her face in the car....bitch" she's now loosing it. not understanding why all this is coming out...
after all...there's no feelings here...is there?

he's not flaming mad.
makes a couple calls while she stand there, finishing the bottle...
a car pulls up and someone comes out of it...
he throws them the keys.
"take them home then drop the car back, i have the extra key. imma stay here for a while."
points at her and her best friend.
the man nods and drives away.
he grabs her...searches her pockets and grabs her keys...they walk to the entrance to her staircase.
"what am i? a criminal? why you bothering on staying...don't you have to get back to your bitch? i'm sure she waiting on that juicy dick of yours"
with her free hand she grabs his package...
he pushes her up against the door
"i understand you're drunk, so what you say right now will not get taken serious..."
she's irritated...everything is moving slow but his words are hitting her like she's in a boxing match...
"whatever, just know i can handle my own, i don't need you"
he's opening the door while she begins to hum
"does he know what he did, turn my heart into flames?" then her best friend to her face...
"is that so?" he says to himself....
she screams...FUCK YOU!
he laughs grabs her and they make a trip up the stairs
"you know all that substance is bad?"
he says in concern
"oh so now you care about my well being...such a joke you are...guess that's why i love you." she winks at him
finally get to the top stairs...she throws up over the staircase. then whips her face
"there goes the neighborhood" best friend greets her face again
he grew tired seeing her and her "best friend" make kissy face...he grabs the fucking bottle and pours the rest over the staircase.
"all gone...best friends don't always last forever"
she says "well lucky us"

get to the door and he smells the house...guess that's not the only bottle she made best friends with.
the house tells a story of pain and heartache. he didn't know how to feel. looked at her and felt a pain he never felt. he felt sorry for he's first love...she's throwing herself away all because of his actions, he felt he didn't know what more to do...but for right now he had to be there for her. he helped her get out of her vomit clothes, bathed her, lotion her, listen to her shit talk from "i'll kill you" to "i want your kids" to "sorry excuse for man" to "you mean the world to me" she said it all.

finally got her P.J.'s on and waited till she fell asleep.
she kept humming what one song from time to time.
"distant lover...so far away. dream of him, since that day..."
"what song do you continue to hum?"
she replies "Trey Songz - Does She Know...I changed the He's to She's, cause i can relate"
he watches her...after she said that and begins to watch her does off, still trying to keep up with the song...
he's thinking while he could be with her he's here taking care of his best friend.
he starts to think of the time he was in trouble like that over a girl he was talking to...
he looks at her again
"you were always there for me...now i guess it's my turn...even if it is my fault...i'm sorry"
he turns over on the other side of the bed they were laying on...

she opens her eyes and says..."it's about time you started realizing shit..."

Love?

2010-09-15T18:20:00.000-04:00

something I’ve either just brushed with my lips or something i study in the school of your mind. something i never fully grasped, something i long to have or just something people through around cause “like” isn’t deep enough. does love have a plan with me in mind? a question i always wondered but feel there’s no answer for it. i sat up last night thinking about this. “am i in this right now?” “how come certain things can’t leave me alone at this point?” crazy thing though, i’ve been slapped in the face so many times with “rejection” or “i’ll wait for you” that i just say “fuck you” and go about business that i should wait on. i said it once, and i’ll say it a million times more. the face in the mirror is familiar, i know her. but what she’s doing to herself and others isn’t what she’s knows nor capable of doing. so why is she taking on such a big and disgusting task? is it making her happy for a little while? does she like what she’s getting from this? is this what she thinks love is? losing the only thing God wants her to hold on to until someone right comes alone is really worth the wait like everyone says it is?

all this rings and more…but this is the only piece i’m willing to share. i did and still do shit now without a care in a world like i’m kind of wild child. at times i blame the situation my father put me through. ever since that day i feel too different to even understand what the hell is going on. i’m hiding my feelings more then ever and i never ignored someone else feelings in my life and felt no way about it. it’s like i don’t care about anything anymore period now. i’m just growing impatient with everything, tired of some friends and just want to pour anything out to that one person. i NEED something real now, it’s getting to me that i haven’t found it yet and now i’m preventing that from even coming around cause i’m scared if i let someone in just this one last time…it’s completely over.

so dear love, i’m here….waiting….again.

yours truly,

Aubrey Hope….

I Guess That's Me

2010-09-12T15:53:00.000-04:00

had this...dream
i guess you can call it that.
it was super crazy to me...cause i always had your back
it was something i see you doing, chasing your dream

i was one step behind you supporting, that's how it seemed
it was hard i can lie, and i barely saw you.
but all i could do was sit on the side, just watch you do you.
shooting for the stars and not believing the sky is truly the limit
but i was there. i was always there. supporting you.i never forgot it.
then boom! you got your big break. money was flowing on like water from a warm tap.
it was like vanish, everything was a wrap.
you were focused, from money to tracks to clothes to music.
everything was finally going your way, i never abused it.
i waited for you to finally realize that i didn't leave like most did
i sticked around and still stayed posted.
i guess that's me. the one that waits.
but knowing it's worth it is the reason why i stay.

couples years go by now, and the business is moving steady...wasn't as crazy as when we were young
you turn to me and say "i think it's time, you know when two becomes one"
i look at you....and ask..."huh?"
you smile and begin to talk about how when no one was there it was always me.
you see
it all started when i started dreaming big and you were down more then anyone...

- Aubrey Hope.

How About I Just Spit In Your Face? Yeah?

2010-09-02T17:54:00.000-04:00

so uhhh, where do i start right now?
i think today i figured some things out, and in the situations i have now...there has to be a lot more talking. i'm very uneasy right now so even opening the "new post button" on my blog today...i feel it's a big step.

"keep going in circles, circles. round and round and while you're doing me so wrong i just keep holding you down. i feel so stupid, foolish loving you this way. but what can i say cause i wanna go...but i keep coming back"

- Jazmine Sullivan.

words that ring and continue to ring... here's some more

"would have came back for you, i just needed time. to do what i had to do. caught it the life. i can't let it go, weather that's right. i would ever know. hope you forgive me, never meant wrong. i tried to be patient. waited too long. but i would have came back..."

- Drake.

the first set of lyrics for how i feel. the second is how i want you to feel. that's how i feel you feel anyways. but then i could be wrong. i feel i don't know the person i been calling me other half for so long now. it feels like we known each other since we were kids, but it's only been a year. in one whole year i fell for you. wanted to hate you, loved being your friend. started saying "i love you." we said it everyday. there was never a day that went by back then were one of us never went without saying it...now it's like...never said. started falling for you. stayed falling. then finally hit the floor in which they call "in love" and wanted to escape cause i KNEW pain will surface...and i was right. tired denial and lying to others screaming to them "i don't love him like that anymore" when sadly i still do and i dislike it...cause nothing is happening.

i dislike when people are scared of things that will benefit them in the end. they doubt what's always been good to them cause they're never used to this type of thing and continue to doubt the fact that it's good and will stay this good. you're blinded by the fact that...i'm not going anywhere. i have no intention of hurting you. i feel like i have to....do everything i can to protect you. and i know you feel the same. i'm not going to lie you had me then and you still have me now. but my feelings? you really never had a real grasp on those. those are the only things i want taken care of cause obviously i'm not doing a good job. i mean look at me. i'm broken, beat up and hurting. forever hurting. i want change and it seems like i can find that change in you...you're just being....well...a firewall. you put it up so you don't get hurt. i get hurt in the end. i still continue to "ride" for you...

it's okay to be scared. but why be scared of the familiar?
just wanted to let you know, i don't love you cause i'm in love with you.
it just hurts too much.

"one side is saying take a break Hope. where will he really go? to answer that...he'll go with her...her isn't me..." - Aubrey.

- Hope

You Reap What You Sow

2010-08-23T13:26:00.002-04:00

looking back on a poem i wrote earlier and feeling like a damn fool

can't believe i wrote something along those lines, i basically acted like he was my tool

he was far from that

i hope he knows now he basically destroyed the last bit of faith i really had in a man whose job is to protect

but he ignored my cries, continued to beat down, touch and neglect.

father? father?

you could ask me what "father" means to me...and i'd come up with nothing, just empty

is this what God as for me? is this what he sent to me?

a man who cannot face his issues head on, a man who cannot love himself?

a man who says things, but ever comes through? a man who lives off other peoples wealth?

if that is what a father is then i rather have my mother.

cause out of all the parent figures in my life, i'm now seeing what she's been saying. it's nothing like no other.

my "father" doesn't care about anyone, not even himself cause if he did, he wouldn't be destroying his temple

God gave us this beautiful body for us to do our part and take care.

but all he does is smoke like crazy and drink beers

i see it now

the deceiving side

the side that he covered up, the side that he decided to hide

i can tell you stories upon stories about how men treated me in the past

i've been punched, touched and slapped.

i've seen it all, i been there through it.

people don't understand when i said "yo i already knew it"

they see the soft side of me and think "she's playing a role"

i hide all this because i never wanted to bare my soul

but it's here. in the flesh and crying out for love

a hand to set me free from all this negativity, a hand from up above

praying now...?

i'm scared to. i'm questioning my own faith, God please tell me how

fighting back tears as if i'm at war with my eyes.

this is why i see past the right guys, fall for the ones that break me

cause i'm broken

it's all i ever known

then there's him, but he can't see past friendship

i love myself more then anyone's words can tell me, but situations like this make me forget how to love

this person came in, told me those words, made me believe that it's true

a man that says he loves me, wouldn't do the things you do.

he wouldn't violate me.

he would take me in his arms and say "everything will be okay, i'm here now" protection

he'd show me endless love and affection.

wouldn't mess with my mind and cause me to lose sleep.

he wouldn't bring fear at my door, have it move it and take over.

i learned one thing in church on Sunday "you reap what you sow"

soon one day "father" you'll know.

- Aubrey Hope.

In Too Deep

2010-08-23T13:03:00.000-04:00

yea i don't think now he understands how deeply i feel for him and his safety
i understand that he can handle his own cause i seen him do it, at the same time i'm willing to help
he's like...family.
now i'm in love
not a shallow "in love"
but he feels deeper than anything
he may not have me on some levels, but overall he cares period.
the one i call close.
even thinking about this whole thing is moving.
i never had a friend like this.
him and i been through a lot. he may not think so.
but this was a roller coaster. a big one at that

this just goes to show me that i'm seriously in too deep
i'd put my life on the line.
and i never put my life on the line for anyone but my mom.
but there's just something about this that i want sooo bad. and it kills.

cause i'm in too deep...
doesn't ever seem like anything will ever happen on those levels of love...

- Heartless Aubrey

Whispering

2010-08-21T03:46:00.000-04:00

you know when you sleep, that's when you look most peaceful?
i talk to you, did you know that?
i whisper into your ears the simplest things that come to mind
i tell you how much i care
i tell you that your dream will soon come true
i swipe my hands across your forehead and smile at you watching your face twitch
you do a lot of things when you sleep, i hold your hand
when i speak, you face me.
i say "i love you" you smile
i kiss you, you squeeze my hand
i stare at you.
you roll over and hug me
we hug each other.
i begin to fall asleep but i hold myself together.
when you wake in the morning, you wonder why i sleep longer
i feel i should be the one watching out for you
keeping the harm away.
if there's a bad dream along the way, i should be the one you roll over to, i should be wide awake
finally i wake up, i ask you how your sleep was.
you say "i had the weirdest dream"
i ask you to explain
you said you had this dream. you were being pampered.
like a guardian angel was taking care of you're every need...

- Aubrey

Hey, Can We Talk For A Sec?

2010-08-20T00:34:00.000-04:00

okay let's get one think clear.
no disrespect thing, i'm being real.
if you feel happy here, then tell me who am i to stop you?
if you feel at home here. who am i to make you feel you have to move?
okay okay cut the similarities.
real shit, nothing will cut me more then seeing you smile here and feel like everything couldn't get better here
but at the end if the day if being happy here brings you joy and happiness.
then i'm happy.
i want nothing more then for you to be HAPPY.
that will make me happy.
i may not find happiness in myself, but if its in you. then hey
why should i complain?
i love when you have a smile on your face.

but enough about this man...go go just be happy.
you never considered my feelings, why consider them now?
they were never important cause i have no feelings on this.
you wanted this more then anyone. now that your face to face with it
do not let my feelings effect it.

i feel no ways on this cause my mind is at another door step.
someone else can have a crack at my safe.
time to crack at yours.

talk over...

Fall

2010-08-18T16:45:00.001-04:00

"Every day I get up, she's on my mind
I can't get enough & I don't know why
But it's more than a crush
I can't believe it's getting deeper
All the time I wanna see her

But it wasn't suppose to go this way
She was suppose to be another game to play
And I can't figure it out
I don't know how she did it
But she made me fall, fall, fall"

yea he use to sing those words. constantly.
always use to come to me, my shoulder was always free
i was always there, the girl who always cared
the one who was easy to talk, i was the listener
but every time he'd spit his feelings. to me it would always hurt
i always wanted him to find something right someone cool
a chick that would makes problems into fights.

it wasn't like an usher thing "you make me wanna"
but his feelings and his well-being is what i was always fond of.
i care for him

he just needs to find that.

Gotta Get Off...

2010-08-18T03:21:00.000-04:00

i want to be able to give this new new all of me but i'm still in with my past
man this life comes and plays all sorts of feeling tag and send you on some roller coaster ride with no barf bag

i don't wanna linger on you anymore...so how to i get off this ride?

Untitled

2010-08-18T03:14:00.001-04:00

seems like a broken record play over and endlessly
why do thoughts come back around in the forum of you?
only to think about this passion then get lost within it, beginning to lose myself in it.
it all comes down to you.
this will make me, break me, misplace me...then try to find me

so i think

you see your a sugar coat
i figment of my wild imagination
i think, yet i feel this fib i tell myself
"things will happen, it will go my way"
only to get shot down and betrayed
by not only the subject, but also myself. you see i sit here and believe in something
that everyone can see happen but the two who are well off in it.
one chooses to agree, while the next...well can't see
can't see cause its not where there head is nor will ever be
one has faith while the other, could care less...they're heartless
that word stings. heartless.
how could one be so damaged to become heartless
romantically numb
emotionally limited.

i thought i could never see myself in that state but the more i re-live the moments that took me to that place
the more i digg within it to find a peace for myself
my mind takes me to so many places. all figments of imagination.
i have faith within this walls only to fall into reality like rain falls from the blue sky
the hidden truth comes crashing down and in an instant i'm blown away by things that i wish weren't true
things i feared, things i prayed the opposite for.
i didn't want this. i didn't want the pain you inflicted, but i greeted it with open arms
it was too familiar so i was drawn to it like shopaholics are drawn to sales.
so is this my fate, is this where my stop is?
this world that i feel i now have to embrace?

you drove me to this place.
so when will the next one be my escape?

Ride The Wave

2010-08-16T18:39:00.000-04:00

ride the wave
the peace of mind the sounds of the water in which it takes you to a place you call home
a place where the grass is greener, the air is cleaner and the sun always feels good.
the smell if nature takes over and you begin to feel real peace
everyone has some kind of take on peace.
some turn to drugs
some turn to alcohol
some turn to clubs and some turn to sex
while you, well you just turn to your most inner thoughts
the power of your mind
the feel of your soul
the space in your heart
that's your peace, that's your grace
you find the one true happiness in yourself
your dreams are your guidebook and thought process equals the whole journey

so take this ride
ride the wave.

- Aubrey Hope

I GO BY

2010-08-16T17:47:00.002-04:00

Janelle

Jay Jay

Aubrey

Hope

Scotty

Nelle

there’s more, but these are the main ones.

Pick One. Either Way They The Wrong Answers (So They Say)

2010-08-16T17:35:00.001-04:00

i write because i can
i express cause it's needed
i keep things bottled up and they say that's wrong
but when i wanna let everything out, they say: do it with caution.
why should i have to be limited on what i want to let out and what i wanna hold back?
why should i have to hold my tongue in silence just to spare others when they don't think twice about me?
do you want me to yell at you? do you want me to cry? do you want me to just do nothing and stand by?
i let it out, i get questions, i keep it in, i still get questions
i have my own way of being heard and not being heard.
i have this thing were i WRITE. i feel that when i do i shouldn't have to hear you.
i shouldn't have to vibe you out, and read what you gotta say without eve saying it.
i shouldn't have to prove myself to anybody but the most important three.
i write cause it makes me happy. i write to set free whatever it is what tends to keep me heavy

my feelings

i let them loose cause they are wild.
they are crazy, they are fierce.
they are dangerous.
that is my poison. it's what kills.

so let it out, or bottle it up?

- Hope

Will Never....

2010-08-15T16:45:00.002-04:00

hot breath with a hint of mint, faded eye shadow and mascara marks dance on my eyes
i'm tired. yesterday's feelings with this mornings laughter linger on my face
a mixture of the two. and a feeling i can't erase.
i'm shook up, yet totally excited because this experience was more then i could ask for.
finally i got what i wanted this summer. a chill day with the people i care most about.
Drake filled car. not that new ish he talking now no, the actual stories he spits.
relate some how to all of them. putting in a trance in the back seat i feel light as snow flakes.
looking out the window but not really looking outside. more like me, in my mind pasting my life in the sky.
the window was my outlet for the moment. as soon as the car went in drive, the memories vanish.
they fade but only to bring up feelings of hurt and wanting. sadness and dis-likeness towards his actions
why should i care? we young, stupid and experimental. too bad i was the lab rat and you were the doctor waiting to test.
then i switch. looking up at the stars puts me at ease. shooting stars poked there amazing bright faces. and i managed to get a quick wish in. sitting with my brothers feeling their sadness and slowly relating again.
you bare your everything and have someone throw it out like last nights leftovers. hoping to God that they finally see what they been missing, what they been craving. but me only knowing and basing my actions on his reaction is vital for my breaking heart. then boom. my mind faces me with the reality that this...will never...

Back In Time

2010-08-12T22:44:00.001-04:00

black frames and g-shocks.
skinny's and high tops.
a cool fitted and curly locks.
that's how i wanna kick it.
that's the swag i'm soon swinging with.
it's fits me...where i wanna be.
but all up on girl ville with three.
nahh just chill old school and friends who seriously cool.
fly back in the past where everything was clean.
none of this messy dirty crap that y'all newbie's feed.
back in time man.

Back In Time.

- A.

i'm into telling you what you wanna hear. not what's really true. you're never true with me anyways. #TrueColours.

2010-08-11T03:05:00.000-04:00

break down of what i mean

Example: “yo what if i were to ask you to be my girl, would you be down?”

“uhhhh yeaaaa….?”

i said “yea” cause it’s what you expected. i said what was expected instead of what wasn’t cause either way both answers would have thrown you. you’d think i’d say “NO” but then again you were kinda on the fence, not really knowing what to expect. but kinda expecting “yes”. keeping my feelings in mind however most times i would have said “no” cause it’s what is usually said. but i lied. i knew that if i said “yes” i would have got either *silence* or an “oh”

basically i wasn’t being straight up *first time ever* because i thought it would be a little spice added to the cook-out. i told you want you kinda wanted to hear. to be honest i really didn’t want to answer the question cause i didn’t care. i know you. i know how you are with girls. i know how you are with me. why would i wanna be in a realtionship with you? all i did was LOVE you. i didn’t wanna be with you. i liked thinking about a new you. a you that had open eyes to something that could have been one of the best things you ever done good in your life. but instead you manipulate my mind and took big advantage of me…like they always do. i give you props. you played a good game. told a couple lies…leaded me on…once again. but who’s the fool? me? i think so….

someone once told me, “don’t try to play a game that doesn’t make sense to you. you will only feel stupid. foolish even.” it’s cause i never found out the rules. this game has no rules. everyone fights dirty and most of the time, the victim ends up with a heavy heart and dead weight. the suspect could care less. but this time around i was feeling both ways. i felt like it was over for me in a sense. i just couldn’t believe that someone i could trust my life with would play with something i cared most about. something i would die for. he fucked with it. then i sat right here in this chair and stared out into nothing. i felt nothing. not a single sting of feelings. i felt like my heart stopped beating. like it was cold, but yet no goosebumps. it was as if a bomb went off and my whole sense of remorse was vanished. i could care less. i could feel less. but i wanted to hurt someone. hurt someone like the ones before me did. i wanted to make someone fall for me…i wanted them to feel emotional pain like what a girl feels. feel their heart rip out from them and watch as someone stomps all over it. does shit to it that you could not ever imagine. yea i wanted to be that monster. that BITCH you’ll hate. that chick you wanna erase. that cancer with no cure. i wanted my name to drip from your mouth like blood does from a slit wrist. i wanted to destroy.

now i can honestly say that i’m not looking nor will i look forward to someone coming my way. i don’t wanna sound like a regular chick talking about “men are dogs” and BS like that. now all i want is company. i don’t know about commitment. seems that when you show a dude that that’s what you want they get scared or something. so i’m showing nothing. heartless and free. bittersweet. i still wanna know what it’s like to be on the players side of the fence at the same time i’m scared of that side. cause once someone gets hurt like how i get hurt, it’s a wrap, that’s all they ever wanna do…is inflict pain. this point in time i know i don’t wanna deal with….whatever this is. i just want company. i want a different type of friend. someone where we can share the same feelings without the boyfriend/girlfriend label. i’m not into that label. with that comes talk of all towns and noisy people and such crap. i want the opposite sex….point blank. just to kick it with.

yea that’s it…just kicking it. :)

- Aubrey

Deuces Remix

2010-08-09T18:27:00.003-04:00

all that nonsense is for her…cause i’m dippin out now ow ow ow. always finding out the worst. you a straight mess up. you’ll regret the day when i find another…who knows just want i need. and knows just what i mean when i tell him keep it drama free. find your feelings bro. i’m already throwing up the DEUCES. i told you that i’m leaving… stay mad, give a F**k, nahh ain’t no best of luck…me and the team throw those deuces up. ;)

He Sings: she on some new ish she chucked those deuces up to you. told you to move on to something new. no more calling her your boo. so she out she said BYE BYE! say bye bye to waste. next mans get a taste.

used to be running lines, i tell you “you were mine.” thought it was true love, but stupid men lie. it’s like i send my love with calls three time, came over cause i care, but i aint get a simple “hi” tryna see your brown eyes, but it’s like i’m plain blind. screw it let’s hit the clubs. i don’t sip. don’t pour me none. cause when it’s all said and done, don’t wanna show the world how much a hate you. i hate liars screw love i’m tired of trying. my heard huge, living in silence. i never felt that we ever vibin cause every time we alone it’s an awkward quiet. leave my heart on your kitchen counter, don’t want it back you already broke it. this is over, so don’t trip dude. it kills to have to let you go, but baby i can’t take it i’m out the door.

this new one always on some fly man ish. so he flips that middle finger, the index finger follow. to you. showing you ain’t got no future tomorrow. yea you a dick, to bad you ain’t to big to swallow. chicks running around complaining, thinking that you some other usher raymond. don’t care if it registered. don’t drip, when i’m gone, it will. man you full of drama like the white chicks on the hills. i finally noticed it, it fully hit me. like shit hitting the fans it finally hit me. got a new dude, and he ain’t you. he gives me sweet chills, something like de ja vu. all my attittude, you goin here about it, and all that ish he does for me, yeah you goin read about it. Aubrey rep t.dot west town. but i’m just throwing two up. chucking up the deuces now.

Silence

2010-08-09T03:35:00.001-04:00

i sat quietly enough and i heard the train go by and i wondered: will my life take off as that train does? will my dreams hit my reality like a head on collision?

when you sit in silence sometimes the troubles of the world don’t seem to matter when you’re in your own thoughts.

- Aubrey

Words That Will Ring...

2010-08-09T02:51:00.002-04:00

Would've came back for you ,
I just needed time, to do what I had to do
caught in the life, I cant let it go whether thats right I will never know,
hoping you will forgive me, never meant wrong,
tried to be patient, waited too long,
but I wouldve came back, but i wouldve came back,
wouldve came back, wouldve came back.
Wouldve came -

- Drake

Missing: Aubrey's Heart

2010-08-09T00:56:00.000-04:00

it's about as big as a fist and it's faded purple-ish in colour. it's has a few tiny cracks and some rough patches but it's still a heart nonetheless. not really pretty to look at considering it looks like someone glued it back a couple times from dropping it. it also has tiny holes from missing pieces but you'd have to look at it very close up. other then that it smells like lavender with a hint of lemon.
return it to Aubrey.
thanks.

- Management .

i wanna thank Management for taking the time out to put out the missing report
but here's the thing.
if you really do find that heart.
go to Egypt and throw it in the Nile.
i say that heart cause it's no longer mine. i dislike that heart because i put it through too much, it needs a better home cause if i take it back now, i'll live with it in vain. i won't listen to it...
broken mind + broken heart = destruction. i barely did right by you. some say you're the biggest lair so your cries fell on my deaf ears. so now i think it's safe to say that heartless is the way to go right now. at least if i get hurt after all this...won't feel that much pain where my heart should be...just numbness....

- Heartless Aubrey

P.S. this heartless thing is a permanent thing.

I'm Completely Messed Now.

2010-08-08T23:58:00.000-04:00

i am officially destroyed.

now i wanna hurt

i wanna bring pain on to every and any boy that comes my way

you know why?

cause i'm broken now.

it's been too much, too late.

i've tried to be the honest, the faithful, the authentic girl that someone will need

but i'm too messed now

my mind is so freaking...MESSED.

i just wanna slap a face....off

i just wanna break a heart, i wanna make them fall and have no intention of catching them

it's guys like this that make girls like me become the ones that everyone hates.

- A.

TUMBLR

2010-08-08T11:13:00.003-04:00

i gave in. and i like it.

http://aubreyslittlethings.tumblr.com/

come visit.

- A

What If...Right Now?

2010-08-07T15:05:00.000-04:00

What if i kissed you right now?
would it come as a shock, would you turn away
or would you embrace me like we all embrace God gift of today?
what if i kissed you tomorrow
would you enjoy it? tell all the home boys: "yo me and her finally on it!"
hey what's if i kissed you next week
would it take your breath away so you couldn't speak?

what if? what if?
what if i held your hand, took a walk to the calm place and kicked up sand?
what if we laid in the sun, in silence just watching the clouds pass us by
or what if there was cotton on the ground and the nights got colder
we were chilling with a group if friends and one said: "yo i think it's time for you to hold her"
they wouldn't have to say it twice cause you knew the time was right

i would wonder what if's forever
but just holding you down i feel would be better.

- A.

Expressions

2010-08-03T03:46:00.001-04:00

beginning to love me.
there were times i wish i looked like someone better. God made me this way. he made me beautiful. he made me alive. he gave life. in this body i will begin to live...for him. from the tip of my split ends to the end of my toe nails i will take one day at a time to find love within God. i can't find that type of love anywhere else so why not look in the place i doubted couples times in my life. i felt what's it's like to have him there...i don't wanna lose it. i'll fight all this temptation and do right....just one day at a time.

- A.

Dot & I - Our Beginning

2010-07-30T06:13:00.000-04:00

so yesterday mother and i went to Younge street. we were on a mission. i was about to feel the excitement of purchasing a camera. not just a dinky regular digital camera, no. this was a D90 Nikon we were searching for. then right before our eyes, this store not to far from where my mom works. to be honest i forget what it was called. :( but hey...they were PACKED WITH CAMERAS. and Mike, who dealt with us was the nicest salesperson EVER! so we walked in and Mike and another gentlemen greeted us with warm "hellos" and such. so we greeted back. then my voice came alive "do you guys carry D90's?" then scanning the racks i saw the tags "D90 Nikon" then i said "oh you guys do" my heart started singing. then Mike said "as you can see in it's place there is nothing there." i got scared and my heart stopped. then he looked up at the shelf and said "we do have a kit though..." WHICH IS WHAT I WAS LOOKING FOR. i looked at mother then looked at the camera. then a smile appeared on my face and never left. after like five minutes of thinking my mom said okay we'll get it. AHHH! he took it down from the self and opened the box. my dreams flashed before my eyes. with every opening of a box. (three boxes) i wanted to scream, it was sooo beautiful. finally after all the paperwork and extra chat i was never paying any attention to cause i was holding my career in my hands, i finally get to take the Nikon home. skip the train ride and the paranoia i had on the train hoping no one thinks about jumping me or my inner Jet Li will kick some ass, we finally make it home. you would think i would settle in but NO, i buss that sucker open and put it together, didn't even charge the battery yet and started snapping. everything and anything got snapped. told a couple friends on MSN and Facebook that i got my baby. all this time i wanna name it. well her. but i didn't want it to be a lame name like daisy or something corny. so i was thinking all evening about it. while doing that i went to see a friend and maybe snap some shots there or whatever. got a couple nice ones but i have a lot of growing to do. she also got some couple shots. she too wants a camera like mine. after that i went home and snapped some more...then got on the three-way calling tip and was talking about my baby. she has no name yet. right then and there i decided it was a girl. aha! then i was talking to my friends about a name. then i thought about this show i used to watch with i was little and one of the characters names was "dot" i was like, "i like the ring to that. and i don't find it lame. SO HER NAME IS DOT. DOT AND AUBREY..WHAAAAT? HOW SICK IS THAT BRO?" I swear i heard crickets on the phone cause home boys went silent. then eventually dosed off on the phone laying next to Dot on the floor while jersey shore was playing on the tele. i missed it all by the way. :(

to new beginnings. :D

- A.

Jazmine Sullivan - Holding You Down (Goin' In Circles)

2010-07-28T03:01:00.000-04:00

I Shouldn't Be This Unhappy....

2010-07-27T23:54:00.000-04:00

i really shouldn't.

- A.

yea yay me

2010-07-27T23:34:00.000-04:00

so it's was only two days and i failed. whatever.
and it's not the fact that i wanted to use the computer, it's the fact that me and alone-ness doesn't really mix all the time. it's the only way i communicate with people besides the phone. i'm not really a phone person with everyone...just a few. so now i'm broke, again and stuck at home.

life is sweet.
not..

- A.

What Does That Say?

2010-07-24T03:56:00.001-04:00

why settle for less? i remember him telling me that. funny thing is that he was the one i was settling for. so what does that say...

committed to doing this

2010-07-24T03:23:00.000-04:00

i will me M.I.A. for maybe a little over a week. no computer period and no phone unless i really need to know something. time to lock myself off from people. i don't care if we batty and bench i need time and space. i'm tired yo. just take it as it is..i'm going through too much.

- A.

Don't Worry About Me....
and if i don't answer your call a first time, DON'T YOU DARE RING OFF MY PHONE. it won't make me wanna pick up, i'll MAKE my mother be rude. not an issue....

NOTE TO FRIENDS.

2010-07-24T02:42:00.000-04:00

so no one is coming to support me, at least the ones that i wanted to be there. i excuse the ones that have work and work only. let me make something clear since i'm already pissed. when i have another dance thing coming up...and trust there will be more. i will NEVER ask you guys to come again. since i been with NLDS only MY WIFE SHARON has come out to see me. NO ONE ELSE. it's all good cause when the rest of y'all have something big and what me to come....IMMA BE THERE. you know why? CAUSE I'M A GOOD FRIEND. BUT DON'T EVER COUNT ON MY TO EVER TELL YOU TO COME OUT TO ANY OF MY EVENTS EVER AGAIN. you guys don't realize that i may not be the sickest most ill dancer, but it's the least you can do...S U P P O R T me....what's so hard in that. i tell you guys a good two weeks a head of ttime "yo i got a dance thing coming up, why don't you come" tell you the day y'all say we'll see...then y'all make plans...LIKE WTF. it's OKAAAAAY THOUGH.

just remember what was said.

- A.

I'm Yelling At You

2010-07-24T02:35:00.000-04:00

smashing phones and breaking glass - I've put my feelings through too much
you do not seem to get the fact of this here....here being me
lemme try and break it down for you.

i see passed you. i never said this before but i see passed these chicks you talk about, i see passed this money you talk about. all that shit means nothing to me. cause all i see is you. YOU. like wtf, stop asking me to explain, stop asking to know why. i told you, and since you can't see what i do either i feel there's no point.

there was this one dude i used to digg as much as i digg you. i messed that up, i never intended for THIS to end up as it is. me and him don't even speak yo. i rarely feel this strong about some nigga AND THEN YOU COME WITH THIS.

wait wait. why am i bothering? i can't force you to see something your mot willing to look at. i bet it's how i look. yeaaa. or maybe how i act? hmmm. i can guess all the questions in the world and i'll never know. do you ever show me these type of things? whatever, i'm yelling at you, wanna know why.

cause i know say when it comes down to the point where i wanna move on you're going to come at me with some sob story like last time. but this time i won't fucking hear it. i'll still be there for you like i always am, always will be. you'll vent to me whatever. but my guy issues will NEVER BE SPOKEN ON. God is my witness. doesn't matter what i tell you or how, i'll never hear me or see me for what i do anyways.

chase what's pain, but delightfulness is right at your doorstep...well was...

- A.

Curious George

2010-07-23T15:57:00.001-04:00

so intrigued by me, but yet it's "i just wanna know" ting.
always letting this feeling hide because i feel it's just a longtime fling
or is it...?
it should be the other way around
me wanting to know everything there is to know about you and how you feel
but i guess what i show isn't fake, just something real
it has your attention, it keeps you drawn in
but spilling out what this is sometimes makes my head spin
should i let go, should i hold on?
how long will i have to decided? how long?

maybe it's a wait and see thing...
maybe its a wait and never see thing...
maybe it's a stop waiting and finally see thing..
who knows, but maybe if he still stays focused on what he wants to know, what i have to say
maybe i'l keep saying i don't know just so he can stay...

- A.

I Will Do Right By You...

2010-07-21T17:29:00.001-04:00

I'm so in tune with you but yet, it's like i have no respect for you. i try to understand what i have to do to please you...i pass sometimes but most of the time it's an issue. especially when it comes to that subject, it's like all your cries, all your screams, all your pleas are falling on my ears but my brain disconnects the connection. for that i'm sorry. i'm trying my best to set everything back on course but this will take time. it's all the matter of having patience and having the strength to say yes when needed and no when necessary.

Dear Feelings,

I will do right by you...

Yours truly,

- A.

Not Only Me But You Too...

2010-07-21T02:47:00.000-04:00

as i lay myself to sleep
god i pray my soul you keep
for my friends keep them safe
guide them through this night till day

i love the ones i keep close

- A.

They Say...

2010-07-21T00:11:00.000-04:00

..."I know you. your easy to read."

that's cause I give you the pages...
you can never read between my lines cause i prevent that...
don't ever say you know me cause you don't KNOW me...

- A.

Feeling Like A Song Writer...Trying A Thing...

2010-07-20T22:18:00.000-04:00

My Version Of "Is This Love?" By Chris Brown.

I Kinda Like It...

18, fitted clean, yeah i'm bout it
Wife beater tee, skinny jeans, yeah he got it,
his body always gets my attention (he keeps it so fresh yeaaah)

So we going out? (I'll pay for it)
Boy i gotta know (I'll wait for you)
Hoping that our parents don't mind,
Cause yo, i gotta make you mine yeah
Boy give us a chance, we goin make it
Yeah we ain't too young, so let's take it
So just let me know, yeah

Is this love? (just gotta know)
Is this real? (boy just let me know)
Is it you tryna get at my heart
If it's love (all my boys and them imma give it up)
Is love? (his playing days are over, he better hang it up)
gotta know, just gotta know yea, is this love?

If he gotta girl I don't care cause I want him
I gotta dude but if he want, imma leave him
Clearly he's the boy that i'm working on (he keeps it so 100 man)
Wanna be his girl in his life now
He can tell those other girls goodbye now
Boy just let me now, tell me...

Is this love? (just gotta know)

Is this real? (boy just let me know)
Is it you tryna get at my heart

If it's love (all my boys and them imma give it up)

Is love? (his playing days are over, he better hang it up)

gotta know, just gotta know yea, is this love?

I ain't been doing much sleeping

just been thinking

about you and me just spending time together

I have never ever felt like this

i gotta know

is this how love really is?

Is this love? (just gotta know)

Is this real? (boy just let me know)
Is it you tryna get at my heart

If it's love (all my boys and them imma give it up)

Is love? (his playing days are over, he better hang it up)

gotta know, just gotta know yea, is this love?

- A.

Through My Eyes....

2010-07-20T20:58:00.003-04:00

...this is how blurry my world gets...when thoughts of you just seem to progress....

Surprised?

2010-07-20T19:24:00.000-04:00

are you surprised to see me boo?
yeah yeah that's cool, i'm showing you that ain't nothing new
so what's cool with you?
meet someone new?
ahh whatever. why am i asking? i could care less honey
now that i got all loot all this money,
i'm living just fine.
don't get me wrong, all this money doesn't satisfy, at night it doesn't chill my wine
but me and my special sweetie, we know how to have a good time...
does that kill you?
well boo you...
time for you to hurt, just like you let me pain it up lonely
got me thinking your love was legit, but you were the biggest phony
now you beg back for me love and for what?
so you can mess it up again with some next slut?
so you can crawl back in bed the next morning like everything is sweet
nahh, i had to tell you do it like an egg and beat
but life couldn't be lovely
with me and my new bunny,
he knows how to show love, he knows how to treat me baby

so remember something, you let go of a real lady...

- A. xox

Drake "Sooner than Later" COVER REMIX BY ERIKA DAVID

2010-07-19T18:43:00.002-04:00

VERSE1:
you forgot to call me on my birthday
you swear im the last thing on your mind
there is nothing you can do to fix it
somehow i still want you by my side

we got this love connection, cant explain it
you give me chills up and down my spine
hoping that you could just step your game up
boy make me yours, lets stop wasting time

HOOK:
so can you do me a favor
can you pull it together
make it sooner than later
we wont be here forever
and well realize weve waited too long
lets make this official

cus you dont need no one else
and i dont need no one else
i dont need no one else
you dont need no one else
i dont need no one else

VERSE2:
weve been goin at this for a while
your the one for me, its plain to see
you tell me you cant find nobody better
yet i just feel like another homie

so i thought we had this love thing, cant explain it
what are you waiting for, pls tell me why
i need you, i am nothing without you
come save me baby, be my shining knight

Gotta Make You Understand

2010-07-19T07:44:00.000-04:00

it's the way you wear those jeans
don't you know your swagger's mean
when you walk up in the room
all the shawty's stop to stare at you
oh baby, they just wanna eat you up

you got the matching hat
with your brand new Louie bag
got those fresh new Nike sneaks
boy i can't help your swaggers the truth
i just wanna show you my love

boy i

can't get you off my mind, you're like my favorite song
you know you turn me on so let's rock rock all night long
cause i, oh i
i just wanna be your girl

i just wanna be your girl. ;)

- A.

The Whole Point: The Chase

2010-07-18T23:27:00.000-04:00

to you it may seem small, to others, it could be the biggest thing in their life.
i got inspired to write about chasing dreams

"don't follow your dreams, chase them" - Terence J.

don't ever let someone tell you your dream is too small or too stupid or too out if this world. just because it doesn't fit their standards doesn't mean it's not worth it. yes sometimes dreams and change or sometimes you can combined your two favorite things. i know when i was tiny i would always say. "i'm going to be a singer one day, sing with the greats and have people enjoy what i enjoy, music." i would always say i would sing with Toni Braxton or Deborah Cox, even Celine Dion. then it all changed for me...i was into singing yea but i could never see myself on stage like i used to. i never really saw my name in lights like i used to. then one day i looked around my house and tried to see what was in my house that i could live off of and enjoy at the same time. something that i always knew, something i always kept close. besides all the writing i been doing from young, it was all the pictures my mom use to take of me and our family. then it hit me. photography, writing. BAM. best of both words. i still sing, i still write and i still take pics. but i feel i can always do more.

you see the thing with me is when i dream dreams or have an idea of what i wanna be or do, i don't really care about anyones negative opinions cause it's benefiting ME not YOU. if you do not approve, then boo hoo. i'm not here to please you in that way. i just hope that a camera comes my way. all i do is dream. it's basically my hobbie. i'm chasing this like it's a life or death situation.

all in due time...

- A.

It's You Again

2010-07-18T02:33:00.000-04:00

leaning up against the wall
just looking at me on the opposite side.
just looking
at me
seeing
m e
you grasp my vibe, it's chill, like we
we stare, we read our body movements
we enjoy, we feel, we know this.
you grab my hand, so soft in yours, fits like a puzzle piece
we're hungry, our thoughts are our feast.
it's you again
the one i want deep
inside my being, you are a part of
cause you have this effect on me.
i still continue to stare, you still continue to vibe.

'side track'

i'm still focused, you are my main focus
have you noticed that?
have you ever have that?
do you even want that?
cause it's not the want that i need to give that
just the fact that i want to.

do you understand just want your are to me?
which is why it's you...again.

- A.

Does Being 18 Not Matter?

2010-07-18T01:30:00.001-04:00

thank God for blessing me every morning for waking up and actually seeing the 18 hard years i've faced. thank you God for breathing air into my lungs and helping me view the pictures of the world. Thank God for helping me learn how to feel, love, and concur all my fears and evilness surrounding me in this everyday life i face. Thank God for my healthy friends, also look over the friends that feel the world is against them. show them the light and guide the way for them through they're tough times. Thank you God for my family. blood/non-blood. i love you guys more then i do my own self and i know God forever has you in his thoughts cause i forever have you in mine. ♥ without your guys, i have no inspiration. i am truly blessed. - Amen

with that being said.

i have something to say, it's been on my mind since it happened and i'm kinda upset about it...
so my friends came by today. they were of the opposite sex. they have came over before yet alone so have a few others. my mom felt a way at first but i'm older now, i feel responsible about them coming over cause i have no intension of doing anything with any of them. so we chill and wait for a next friend to come and get us. my father calls one of my guy friends. me finding this funny i told him to tell dukes "HEYY" he does so and my dad freaks. yea i understand i'm your little girl and you want no harm. BUT HELLO. I THINK I KNOW WHAT I'M REALLY DOING. considering my mom was home too. including me there was three of us, plus mama. so what can really happen? after freaking on my friend he says he wants to speak to me. i said whatever. "hello?" all i hear is a spazz attack in my ear. i know you care, BUT YOU CARE TOO HARD. 18 18 18 18 18 18 YEAAAARS. i'm and adult. i dislike when adults say "...and just cause your 18 doesn't make you an adult" so what does....25....30? like you grown folk talk about how you want us to grow up and stop acting like children yet you still treat us like it....i can't believe i'm talking like this...i feel like i'm 16 again. i kept saying this crap over and over, i'm not a child anymore. i'm not the 12 year old that use to steal and buy bare stupidness. i'm not the 14 year old and got involved with drugs that no one knew about till i was 16. i'm not the 16 year old that ran away twice. i am the 18 year old that knows better then her previous mistakes. what part of that don't you people get? i haven't had sex, i never been to a legit jam, i never took a serious drug like ecstasy, i never been to a rave, never done a hot box i think they're called. either way like when i do things i know what i'm doing or that i'm ready to see what it's like just to get it out my system, done. anything i do is my RESPONSIBILITY AND WHATEVER HAPPENS IS BECAUSE OF MY ACTIONS.

STRAIGHT.POINT.BLANK.PERIOD.
and if you feel to realize, then that's on you. forreal.

- A.

P.S. no stress i still LOVE my pops, just too over protective...it's annoying at times but it's something i gotta live with it. and how much you wanna bet he'll find out about this blog post? he finds out about everything.... *grumpy face*

uhhh yea..Real Talk...

2010-07-17T19:19:00.000-04:00

too much on my plate to say the least.
from feelings to family fights, real talk i can't take it anymore
i'm tired of all this negativity around me and i feel like separating myself from it
at the same time i'm feeling really lonely and no one to turn to
everyone is doing there own thing. everyone has their life right now.
and i'm stuck here trying to find mine...
i'm trying to find a job, i'm trying to make money, trying to find myself. trying to see what works
but i'm stuck here between myself and others. i'm the type that love pleasing others before i pleasing myself
cause seeing others pleased is pleasing to me.. but. *sigh* like i don't know. this summer seems like it would have been the best ever but it's really far from that...

to sum it all off i guess, i feel real out the loop and also that i got too much to deal with...anymore and i'll freak on someone... :(

- Lost One

Usher - There Goes My Baby

2010-07-17T16:52:00.002-04:00

EXPRESSION

2010-07-15T17:36:00.001-04:00

it's been a minute.

AAAAYYY YOOOOO. hear me out now
i think it's time to give y'all a show, when I'm done i'll take a bow.
young and talented, full of positivity and big dreams
everything i do, best believe i make it look as what it seems
I'm nothing like your average, I'm something outer-space
i live life sometimes in the fats lane, but i also dig a slow pace.
erase anything that's poison, lace the losers with mace
I'm here to fulfill my path, show everything on my face
through my body and out my mouth
this is me, it's what I'm about

EXPRESSION. i love EXPRESSING.
do you like expressing?
isn't in impressing?
isn't it sensational?
I'm just feeling too damn beautiful
yea i love myself, i love my mind, body soul
something that i could never let go, always hold.
something i can always share with people like you.
something i will never lie about, real true
feels good.
feels great even

THIS thing, real beautiful expression!

if i'd say it. it'd be like this

2010-07-13T03:50:00.000-04:00

at the end of the day bro, no one has me like you. real sees real and that's what i see in you. sue me. i can't kick it with dudes like i do you. everything is just chill like that. i still am that type to go after what i want but in the case of you i didn't cause yea you did talk about these other girls and such shit. i always thought yo, i never compared. i tried moving on, but you still lingered. i don't know why, maybe its cause your my best friend. can't remember the last time i could just like be real straight with someone like i am you. when the day is through, it's you on my mind. you know how many times you showed me you had me, even when i had doubts? "who i got you, don't i always have you?" yo i show you the same type of love, if any chick says they have you, they don't have you like me. i know that 100% fact. i put that on everything. yea there are times where i slip up....barely, you can't even count that on two hands. but i swear i make up for it. i've always defended you when it came down to it.

yea you talking about other chicks effected me at first but yo, who was i to say it. as far as you knew i didn't feel nothing for you...so i thought. yo i don't even know what more to say on this subject cause it's been to long, i know what i want but it's like "why the hell am i wasting time? why the hell am i still in this......hole?" other dudes come and go but they can never amount to how i feel about you.

different vibe I'm feeling man.

i may seem like I'm confused and not knowing what i want at time but i say that ish cause i try to fight that i dig you. i try my very best actually. never seem to pass me. your people may talk as if they know the whole thing, there's always two sides to one story. they only know what i tell/show you. they don't know how i really feel. they don't know what i go through.

they just don't.

don't know what else to do, nor say, but hey. it is what it is right?

God has plans, maybe this ain't it.

Blank Stare

2010-07-11T23:24:00.000-04:00

been doing it a lot lately, considering the fact that i'm dreaming out situations in my mind that can go down. yea like it will ever happen that way...

life of not getting your way...

- A.

Save The Best For Last - Vannessa Williams

2010-07-11T20:27:00.002-04:00

Sometimes the snow comes down in June
Sometimes the sun goes 'round the moon
I see the passion in your eyes
Sometimes it's all a big surprise
'Cause there was a time when all I did was wish
You'd tell me this was love
It's not the way I hoped or how I planned
But somehow it's enough

And now we're standing face to face
Isn't this world a crazy place
Just when I thought our chance had passed
You go and save the best for last

All of the nights you came to me
When some silly girl had set you free
You wondered how you'd make it through
I wondered what was wrong with you

'Cause how could you give your love to someone else
And share your dreams with me
Sometimes the very thing you're looking for
Is the one thing you can't see

And now we're standing face to face
Isn't this world a crazy place
Just when I thought our chance had passed
You go and save the best for last

Sometimes the very thing you're looking for
Is the one thing you can't see

Sometimes the snow comes down in June
Sometimes the sun goes 'round the moon
Just when I thought our chance had passed
You go and save the best for last

You went and saved the best for last

Bring Forth...

2010-07-11T18:21:00.000-04:00

ever been in love? or lust? whatever....
all these boys wanna grab, it would only happen if i let them
but they ain't you...

i sing your name in the heavy rain, but what good will that do?
it won't bring forth the one thing i want, which is unity between us.

Drake

2010-07-08T00:09:00.000-04:00

i can't listen to you the same anymore. it's not you. trust me your amazing. it's just the fact that this dude. he listens to you all the time. especially since you dropped this album he can't stop playing you. you remind me of him. it kills. i enjoy you but it's like enjoying him, and i can't cause he isn't mine. it's like you're writing the things he can't say to the one he's feeling. that person not being me. another reason why i get frustrated and such things.

i gotta play all the old tunes, like "comeback season" or "room for improvement." my favorites. the ones he doesn't know about. I'm not saying he's a band-wagon fan, it's just he's not familiar like i am. I'm kinda happy he isn't.

i don't know how more to express how i feel about....this.
just know i'm struggling.

do i still like him? if so why do i?
he doesn't see me. he sees she. she ain't me. never will be.

- A.

My Life

2010-07-06T15:48:00.000-04:00

school wise, i screwed up and yes i know. i'm a slacker.

when it comes down to it all, no matter how hard i try i can't focus on something i will never take interest in: school. it's not a want, it's a need they say. well i feel that i don't need to know about hamlet and how to calculate the area of a circle. i feel that i don't need to know how plants grow and about the civil war. i feel i need to know about how colours move across paper and now my voice sounds in an empty room. i need to know what's it like to stand behind a camera and snap someone for just a moment, capture that memory on paper forever and love every second of it. i need to feel what it's like to pour my soul on paper and let only me read it. i need to know what all that is like.

if you haven't notice my now, i'm an art student.
art is what i bleed, it's what i feel. it's what makes me get up in the morning. it's what makes me cry, what makes me laugh. it's my everything. without it i am nothing. why can't the world see that? why can't they pick up the clues. when i sing, when i write, when i dance, then i take pictures and edit them. i'd kill for people to just understand that is who i am and who i wanna be. all this shit is hard for me, especially with this learning disability the TDSB labeled me with. school is difficult unless it about art. ART. people don't get it. they fail to realize that i'm something of the expressing kind. not the english or math or science. it's a;; boring for me. all of it. what am i do to now with this thing called my life?

- A.

Lose My Breath

2010-07-06T02:17:00.000-04:00

he does it, i love it
the way he always knows the spot in which to touch
the way he knows my body, the way he whispers, i blush
he supports me with such movement that it seems effortless
never makes a sloppy move, never makes it feel like it's pointless
kisses so soft, so passionate, I'm at a lost for words
he craves me, keep him coming back for more.
he makes me lose my breath, every stroke, ever caress
relieves my body I'm tension, from all the stress

he's only there to satisfy, in only these type or ways
when the session is over, he never wants to stay
you see there's thing he keeps near to him
its not what we do. if what we did was a light-bulb, the bulb would be dim
our sex has him weak, to an extent
he thinks about her, dreams about her. everything about her. i get straight bent
i'm somehow taken back for a second. i share something with him that my husband deserves
but he doesn't take it into consideration, gets on my damn nerves
whatever, i'm not her...i'm stupid right
no maybe i'm just taking this all wrong, i'm too up-tight
i give you my all, and i get half
she gets the whole you, but you know all of me
what? something on your mind, something you can't let it be?

when we do what we do, do you ever think of me?

doing what we do, thinking it all over
i begin to get lost in my being and lose my breath....again

- A.

Just One Of Those Talks With The Family

2010-07-02T12:33:00.000-04:00

so blood and i are laying there, i'm trying so hard not to cry cause i'm over-frustrated...
she's telling me to calm down and take a breather, tell her what's up and she'll take it from there. the thing with blood is she's the only one that can solve my problems period. no one else keeps it 100% X 394856230578 like she does. so catching my breath and letting the tears soak up in my pillow i spill. spill it all out like i slit my wrist. "in all the times you had something to spill this is the second time it's about this fucking boy. yo do i have to give him a clue man? why can't he see?....wait wait. but then again you can't force someone to see something they need if they haven't figured out their own shit. common sense" those words hit me. literally. then i instantly stopped crying and looking out my pixie glass window and wondering.

why can't you see the obvious? do you like getting hurt?
i just wanna be there for you in all types of ways
cause i know and you know i'm worth it.

- A.

Happy Told Me It's Over Because My Sadness Is Killing His Vibe. -_-

2010-07-02T12:09:00.000-04:00

couldn't use twitter to vent so i gotta blog.

seriously, it's happening all over again
the part of my movie where i fall
the part where my fam was right
the part were i soon get hurt
because of all the things his soon to say
all the actions he's bond to make
all the clues that i succeed to miss
all the times he comes around plays down that fake kiss
i hate thinking about this
he doesn't FUCKING REALIZE what he does
and when he does, he acts like it's nothing

don't even come to me and complain you need this in a chick and that in a girl
cause when a real WOMAN comes around you're blind.
but hey who am i to tell you shit right?
who am i to correct you from your mistakes.

oh i know, your friend
you know, the one that looks out for your well being
the same one that has you no matter the situation
the one that feels what you feel
the same one that sometimes puts her feelings aside to cater to yours

wow, talk about dedication.

- A.

P.S. Drake - Fall For Your Type & Kristie Alexandra - Lust For Life

Can't Express How Much...

2010-06-30T16:28:00.000-04:00

...I'm down for you
i care for you more then...then anything.
one of my few
you know?
but like i just can't express how much
i'm going to ride for you.

words fail me
you're one of those other halves i'd take a bullet for
pick over money
and fall in love with all over again...

*sigh*

- A.

I Spilled It

2010-06-27T18:00:00.000-04:00

the ink in which i used to write our history.

the ink i swore to never even look at again considering what it was used for

we had no more history, so i had no reason to write.

i just left it there, thinking i would never use it again.

and then just when i was putting my old feelings beside it, it fell over on my carpet of dreams

messing it up. completely

i tried washing it, just made it worse.

i scrubbed, i dabbed, i even threw pure soap on it

still nothing. the stain in there forever

but of all places why would it fall on my dreams?

not like you a stain in my dreams.

are you?

either why now if we were ever to have a history, i could never write it.

that was my favorite ink.

you were my favorite history.

i was the only one chasing.

- A.

Boyfriend Of Mine

2010-06-26T23:01:00.000-04:00

Girlfriend Of Yours

It's you that i begin to adore

- A.

Jon Jon - Silly Me

2010-06-26T01:50:00.001-04:00

Drake - Lust For Life [remix] "Crash Down" by Kristie Alexandra

2010-06-26T01:47:00.002-04:00

We Begin

2010-06-26T01:19:00.000-04:00

we sit in front of each other.
just staring, just smiling, just vibe-ing
we aren't an item, but if people were to see the chemistry, they'd think otherwise.

i give you a deep gaze. you wonder
i speak

"right now what i want you to is to feel me, just for a minute. pretend that i'm your girl, i'll pretend your my guy. we'll show affection, we'll act. think of it as role playing. hold me like you love me. hold me like you never want me to leave. act like i'm your only one. kiss my forehead. show me your love. give me your all. only for today. only for right now. me is all you see. just do me"

with that being said you pause for a minute.

Ready,
Set,
Go.

we begin...

A Vent Or Something. I Don't Know.

2010-06-23T23:50:00.000-04:00

if they said it once, they'd say it a thousand times more.

"you got some growing up to you. relationship and maturity wise"

but how can you when you 're on a level that one one is on?
yeah, yeah he told me i had a mind set of a 12 year old when it comes to boys, but he dumb me down into thinking so. but others showed me otherwise. my guy friends told me that i need someone who's grown (but who doesn't). overall i'm a "imma hold you down even if it kills me" kinda girl. when i "fall" i fall hard. that person is my main focus, other guys are not even in consideration. some failed to realize that and let their insecurities get in the way. usually i do that.

it's usually like my guards up to high and i push away, or it's too low and i let things slide or i just don't care period and just like having a boyfriend around. but now it's something different. people showed me in the past that this might be a real deal for a minute, never really took it in cause again the situation had to deal with our levels. we're around the same place, at the same time we fool around like it's nothing. just ordinary shit.

i guess what i'm trying to say is that, i'm just going to stay chill. maybe speak on it. but for now i'm going to see and feel out for vibes. thing with me i'm good with reading vibes, i just don't say anything at all on it cause i'm like that i guess. but whatever though.

there's just some feelings i try to explain and pray they make sense either later or instantly so i can move forward on that.

so do i think i'm maturing? more then ever now. this is all a part of knowing my wants, my needs, keeping my feelings first and staying grounded. something like that.

my knowing stage.

- A.

Destruction

2010-06-23T17:49:00.000-04:00

enter, yea you did that
total destruction, yea you created that
you're the gas to the flame
you started a chain, and now you're figured out
but you seem to die down when you master plan is on blast
like an explosion, but no one died
that was the plan all along, you wanted something to die
someone to plant a flower in it's memory
just to have that feeling that you made something DIE.

people like you, need to roll over, and see the things in life that you can't destroy

thank God for this bond...

- A.

We Want This

2010-06-23T02:41:00.000-04:00

speaking with you and taking you in just made me want this
want this, want this.

it's grind time

get your mind out the gutter
i mean like get this money
this power
this respect
like i know i sound like am old rap video
but like it real shit
slips up, that's a no no
and past one are in the fix up
learned my lesson learned your lesson
so real shit, let do this
been hungry for a minute now i just want it.

i wanna succeed whichever way possible
even if it's breaking the rules, it's not a way to be
but when you see it right in front of you, right in arms reach

grab that shit and hold your people down.
STRAIGHT.POINT.BLANK.PERIOD.

Mind....Set...

- Aubrey

Blah Tip

2010-06-23T02:26:00.001-04:00

yea i'm on that blah tip
everyone's always got they own shit to deal with
understandable
but people feeding you shit you don't know
you start to wonder and wonder
and it's like "yo, are you for real"

yea a way to grow up, big deal
may think we on some different level
but take a second to feel
been under a rock for a minute, now the sunshine hit me
and it's like heaven, rays of glowing light on my skin
you begin to trim the essence of the situation cause of the time and place
but yo, set backs come and they go
live life
deal with it
things are out of my reach and they just slip though the cracks of my fingers
shit happens
live life
deal with it
overall when i can't fix it
it's just a blah tip

take me for what i become and listen to the situation cry
it is what it is

move forward.
do what you feel best, i can live with it
so can you...

- A&J

It Would Be Nice

2010-06-22T04:11:00.000-04:00

it would be nice to actually wake up knowing i got someone to call just to hear they're morning voice and make them laugh a little, tell him to have a nice day and that i was thinking about him so i called. it would be nice to actually call him up on a rainy day and say "i'm in the mood for dancing...in the rain" he tells me he's down and swings by and we dance, we run, we laugh, we hug, we feel, we know, we see, everything, in the rain. it would be nice to actually just lay around tangled up in each other under a clear sky just looking at stars talking nonsense, but everything we say seems clear. we talk about our wants and needs, how we met and where we're going. it would be nice if he actually played in my hair. tell me it was amazing and natural even though it's a faded red colour now. it would be nice to actually fall asleep in his lap and he feels my face and tell me i'm beautiful when i sleep. it would be nice to actually sit in the sun with you. the sun kissing our skin. me hugging you from behind while we just sit and enjoy the weather. it would be nice if i actually blew bubble gum bubbles and you kissed the other end. have it pop on our faces and we pick the pieces off. we say eww every time we pick one off but it's still cute at the same time. it would be actually run around in a field of tall grass you chasing me while we fall over each other with every soft tackle, then lay in the grass and just hug. this would be nice....

all this would be nice
too bad it only happens with perfect best friends in movies who eventually fall for each other...

- Aubrey

Boredness Strikes

2010-06-22T00:11:00.000-04:00

this was the day i was getting my nails done before the prom daaaay

bored as hell waiting

this is what i came up with

P.S. i DISLIKE SCHOOL!

How I Really Feel

2010-06-21T23:11:00.000-04:00

*Note THE LAST TIME I'M ADDRESSING MY FEELINGS ON THIS. i needed it to be closed so i'm doing so...

- Aubrey

The Remedy

2010-06-21T11:56:00.000-04:00

sit back and just unwhined.
just to let you know, i'm here to make you feel fine
my mission, to relax your being
i'm here to give you a satisfying feeling
i'm going to find what it takes to push your buttons
press away then set you off, begin this late night loving

"so where do we start ma?"

close your eyes
relax your shoulders, let the world rise
you've carried to too long
you've showed the world that you're strong
let me rub your body down, oils involved
massage till the issues are resolved
body wise i'm trying to un-tense you
by spending all this time with you
let it all go, let it all free
while we here, i'll take you to extacy
by my simple touches and manipulating your skin
i can erase what's deep within
drain the toxic waste stress brings
take so why you'll believe you had wings
don't escape me
i'm your remedy...

- Janelle

High Standards

2010-06-20T21:57:00.001-04:00

it's something that you have that i don't fit.
high standards
you wanna chick like Nicki
big tits, phat ass
a chick would be luck if he even passed
pretty face, nice eyes
yea, something like that = your prize
flawless skin, 5'5, long hair
someone on your arm that will make the whole world stare
but me
aha! just a joke thing for you still
a girl you fuck around with just for the thrill
too busy ignoring the inside that the outside over shadows the best quality
that's what sets your high standards apart from me
you see i'm not the type who dolls herself up to be on some movie screen
no phat ass, average tits, so i believe
that i got what it takes to be the best without having to look my best
in my world it's like that
in your world it's glamor and blitz, that's where its at
no matter how bad i wanna fit your standards
there too high for me

but you fit mine cause i don't look for much...

- Aubrey

Just Wondering...

2010-06-20T17:42:00.001-04:00

...How Long Will This Happiness Last?

HOPEFULLY ALWAYS, IT FEELS SOOOO GOOOOOOD!

Blah # 3

2010-06-20T02:26:00.001-04:00

I noticed that when i'm mad and i say something will happen, it really does
then i look back on it and kinda wished it didn't happen...all cause i was right.

blah

- Janelle

Twisted Mind

2010-06-20T02:20:00.000-04:00

* i have these things. i hate calling them "dreams" or "day dreams" cause it's not like that in a sense. i think about something in words and just make it into a little movie in my head. i think i'll call them "flashes" or something, who knows but here's one i wanna share.

explicit content

i want you to look her in the eyes like you did me

see her

i want you to touch her like you did me

feel her

i want you to lay her down and kiss her softly

show her you want her

get passionate

"click"

all the intimacy stops

something just clicked with you

something didn't feel right

something....deep.

you get off the bed

she asks where you going

she's thinking she did something wrong and gets all teared up

you don't care right now.

you tell her you'll see her tomorrow

she runs after you, you run down the stairs and fly out the door

you run, i'm on your mind

you gotta reach me, you gotta see me

i'm the one you think about

her

her?

her who

you run to my place, you knock the door.

no answer.

but people are inside

so you turn the knob and the door opens

you hear my voice

it sounds like i'm singing

then you hear a voice filled with bass

a manly voice

you walk to my room

you see my face hanging off the bed.

i see you

i smile

but it wasn't a welcoming one

you continue to walk

you open the door

you begin to feel emotion

pain, anger, hurt.

broken is what you are

i'm fucking the enemy

your enemy

just like how you fucked mine

you enjoyed her

so i am enjoying mine

with every thrust i take it all in

while you just stand there and watch

broken

still, i smile.

- Aubrey

Quick Blaze Before Bed.

2010-06-19T01:34:00.001-04:00

NO NOT WEED. blaze as in like a quick spill i guess before bed...

today was relaxing, hot at first then got super cool. it was nice. i enjoyed myself and got a cool tan. (well i like it) had two quick naps and chilled with some good people. more like fam you know? *smile*

but then i came home. to air that was full of anger and things of that nature. tried my best to fight it till six people came talking to me on msn that i wanted night from them at this point and time, considering the most amazing day i had. three talking none-sense on how they wanna kick it, one talking about his life, one showering me with compliments cause he digs me but i'm not into him like that, as a matter of fact not in anyway and one that thought it would be cool to have me lingering in something that wasn't basically there. lost feelings for me and never told me. whatever they all bitches. YEA ALL. i call them like i see them still. maybe if they change there ways i might change my mind for a second. anyways

so i'm guessing that's it since i didn't wanna give you 12 paragraphs.

till next time.

- Aubrey

P.S. All This (not what i wrote) Shall Pass. Days will come where people will feel the pain more then i felt, then realize they're mistake. either come running back or leave me be, either way it's your life and i'm not paying you any attention. also if any of my friends are caught up in any mess that involves my past and these people i address in any type of way that will make me feel a way, L O C K - O F F !

growing up never been this easy...

Excuse Me Sir...I Gotta Let You Know

2010-06-16T15:15:00.000-04:00

excuse me sir but i can't help something
i can't help but look into your eyes.
so hazel, so bright.
tell me sir, do you ever hide behind those beautiful eyes?
please don't.
but i know you tell a story
you been through things i know
things you didn't deserve
people used you, they took advantage of what they thought was your weakness
you niceness and your caring-ful ways
but your eyes say soemthing, something of hope
something that your still willing to do even thoug you feel like giving up
yes i found it.
JUST DON'T GIVE UP.
your eyes are too pretty to give off the giving up vibe.
but hey sir i just wanted to let you know that
i really think your eyes are beatuiful
and any girl with a beautiful soul, will be able to see you eyes and say the same thing i just said.

(maybe that says something about me *wink*)

- Aubrey

P.S. it was meant for someone who has no idea. *wink*

Late Night Bizz

2010-06-15T00:58:00.000-04:00

"...in a sense i was tense, but my body lose around you, what imma do without you?..."

minutes to hours

hours to days

when will i feel that real ray of sunshine again

when will you kiss me skin so soft

when will you take back the things you bought

when will i begin to heal

when will you begin to feel

when will we forgive the past

when will remember our good last

in you i seek

cause it's real you speak

my soul you peak

keep it on a happy streak

you are honesty

and give me hopeful possibilities

to express my passionate abilities

to show you what true is

call this my late night bizz

Quiet Day My Ass

2010-06-13T17:43:00.000-04:00

communication is key, but why should i be open with people who can't handle what i will say? why should i fall into your childish games and play ring-around-the rosey? aha! i'm at a point right now where i'm not scared to make some cuts off my team and shit, just know. this isn't out of anger, it's out of frustration. i don't talk shit like he does when i'm pissed. i know how to hold my own. so fuck that, fuck her, and him, and you. i'm tired. I NEED SOME SLEEP.

and to think i CAAAAARE. BUT YOU SHOW NOTHING....K A R M A!

nuff said!

P.S. I Just Wanna Eat

2010-06-13T13:08:00.000-04:00

urgh, i woke up heavy, as if i didn't wanna come off the couch and live this new day God has granted me cause i felt i let you down and for what? for me to deal with the you make me feel guilty, as if i'm the worse person in the world is killing me right now. i let your mistakes slide but mine is what you hide behind cause i never did you wrong..till now...

thinking all night what i could do to make it all better and go back to the way things were so crisp and shit, but as much as i think it's not making a difference. you see me as something i'm not and i can't change that. i can't travel back in time and redo what happened cause that's not how it is. i don't know what more to say cause i'm sooo flabbergasted because of what you said. it still rings in my head.

if i didn't care as much as you think, would i be this restless? would i take the time to freggin write out my issues? would go to my mom like i do and talk this out with her? it's just so hard to deal with but something is tell me to still deal cause it's all worth it you know. actually i don't think you do. family should know family. you're my family and you don't know me? so what does that make us? family still? you think i have no idea about you but i know. trust me.

i'm seeing this as a another day gone by trying to figure out what to say to you and how to say it without snapping cause right now i just wanna yell at you and make you feel as bad as i am feeling right now. that's wrong. that's spiteful. but i'm not going to. i just gotta think.

everything is messed. with me anyways.

- Janelle

P.S. i just wanna eat.

Are You Serious Right Now?

2010-06-13T01:44:00.002-04:00

i never felt this crappy when i made Andrew get stitches because i was swinging a golf club and ripped off his whole eye brow... yea i made a mistake. what you never gonna let me live it down? maybe you don't understand that i actually wanted to leave where i was and come see if you were okay. maybe you should consider the fact that when i'm angry i never refer to you as "some dude, some boy" cause i refer to you as "F A M I L Y" but no, as soon as i make a mistake i'm the worse person in the whole but you can go around and fuck with my feelings as much as you want and i can't say shit right? cause you're mr. perfect. everything you do is right. every time i need someone to talk to you're there. every time i need advice, you're there. every time i need a shoulder, you're there. you're always there for me right? you never get distracted over the phone with me when i'm having a serious "heart to heart" right? i know cause you're the best friend i always dreamed of. i also dream of ruling the world in spandex...

you fail to realize that i'm who you take for granted ever god given day cause you think i'm always going to be there, sad to say it's in my DNA to always be there for someone, even if they're a total dick like you. so snake? SO SNAKE? really now? i never check you when i hurt you physically? one time i never did and it's all the time now? you know my everything and i know shit about you right? what kind of fucking friendship is this if i have to drain myself to make you happy for five minutes. why do i have to use my body in order to please your every need when i can't have two seconds to let off some steam without it even being an issue. to some i may look like a complete bitch cause i fucking hurt you and apparently felt no fucking ways but yet i'm sleepless worrying about you right? i guess i'm the bad friend. i guess i'm the one wasting time. i guess i should go into my natural habitat and live where the weed grows huh? since that's all i am: "some snakeasz girl"

i swear when i'm gone eh? this time don't even think about picking up that phone and dialing my first three digits... my number will no longer be in service for you when i'm gone...

- Aubrey